What do YOU tell the kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
What do YOU tell the kids?
11
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 5:32pm

I know conventional wisdom says we should shield our kids from as many details of the divorce as possible. And I certainly know that I can't degrade and insult EX in front of the kids. But what about basic facts? Specifically, my EX went 2 1/2 months without paying any support. . .by the end of that time, our TV/telephone/internet had been shut off and we were facing eviction. Luckily, we didn't get evicted, although we went 6 weeks with no TV/internet/Phone. . .which the kids noticed , to say the least(the oldest are 12 and 14). So when they asked me why I hadn't paid the Comcast bill, I told them it was because we didn't have the money. They pressed me with the "Why, why, why - didn't you get a paycheck this month" And I lost it and responded "Yes, I did get my paycheck. But Dad hasn't paid child support so there wasn't enough to pay all the bills"

Well, when EX came to pick up the kids for visitation, he drove up in a new Lincoln SUV. My 12 yo DS said "God, Dad, how come you bought a car instead of paying Mom?"

When we went to arbitration, that comment was used against me to show I had talked about divorce details with the kids (although, even if I had never said anything, the kids are old enough and smart enough to have figured it out) - and I got reamed by the arbitrator, who insisted that even if we had gotten evicted I should never say anything about it having to do with EX or child support.

I'm not sure I agree - but I don't know what to think. I understand they need to have a good relationship with their father, and I can't influence their opinions against their dad. But does that extend to hiding and lying about their father and his actions/lack of actions? Then they are getting to know a false perception of the man. Although they will have their own experiences with him from which to form their own opinions, I know.

I don't know! I'm so confused. I have 3 boys that I want to raise to be honest and respectful. I do want them to grow up with values; to believe that infidelity, lying, greed, etc. are wrong. And in a general sense they do know that. But I guess I must force myself to act as if their father is a great guy, and keep secret that things he has done are immoral. It feels fraudulent! But the things they don't know about are one thing. The things they can figure out (like the TV shut off, or the fact we go to the food bank)I mean- am I supposed to be the fall guy for that. When they ask me why we can't buy groceries, what do I say?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 10:24am

Well, I have tried to spare my kids many of the details along the way, but... kids are smart!.... so you also have to be realistic and honest with them.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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