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| Tue, 03-06-2007 - 1:00am |
Me and my wife is on the verge of divorce. We are going on 7 years being married. Communication is the biggest reason, caring more for her feelings, lack of intimacy and romance toward the end of these years together. She felt i wasn't communicating with her enough, and i really wasn't i guess. I am pretty laid back and quiet. She also says that i would just get angry when she would come to me with a problem she was having with me, instead of caring about her feelings. I could have been a little more understanding when it came to her feelings, but i have feelings to correct? I could say the same thing against her. I took on a big package when i married her, she has three kids of which two other dads were in the picture, so it was kinda hard for me to bond with the two older boys, they were 10 and 11 and then a younger girl age 5 when i met them. She holds this against me also,for not bonding and talking more to the kids, even though the boys father was not in there life and would barely call them. A couple of times when she said she was feeling "lonely" she called one of her ex boyfriends, and on this other occasion she started talking on a regular basis to one of her past friends and I started feeling a little jealous i guess you would call it, well it turned out he started likeing her and basically hit on her during conversations on the phone. It really bothered me when she was talking to him. I let her talk to him even though it bothered me, and then once she told me that he made a pass at her, she did stop talking to him but, later on she was talking to him again. But the worse thing i did towards the oposite sex was look, and she always held the looking at other women against me to this day. I would never cheat on her and conveyed this to her countless times. When we seperated 3 months ago we agreed on dating and trying to meet new people. She met a couple of guys, i still have not met any women. After learning that she met a guy and was talking to him, my heart fell out of me, and i told her that i would like to work on getting back together. I really didn't do much to try to get back together besides taking her out to eat a couple of times and trying to talk to her on the phone, that was hard because she always said she would call me back or put me on hold. She always insisted that i should date and get that experience, since I haven't dated that much in my lifetime. She was open for sex in the beggining of this seperation, but i didn't feel like going after her because the intimacy was fading toward the end. This is something else now she is holding against me, that i did come after her for sex during this seperation. Well right now she informed me that she does'nt want to work things out. She just wants to be happy for herself right now. I am so confused I don't think i was that bad of a person. I know i have some faults and could have stepped up more. There is more but, what do you guys think about this relationship? Do you think she came to a harsh conclusion by saying she wants a divorce now. I think my not having sex with her played a big role in her decision
from

You sound so sad. I really don't know how much help I will be but I want you to know you are not alone.
I am in the opposite place from you right now. I wanted out of my marriage. My STBX did not. I begged him for years to do councelling, and spend time with me. He like you described yourself is quiet and does not show emotion very well. I could accept that alone but he totally ignored me for a long time. I tried to make it work but it wouldn't with only me trying, finally I gave up. I stopped begging him to do things with the kids and I and did them on my own. I stopped asking questions about his day and stopped telling him about mine. I just withdrew. Finally 2 months ago I came to the realization that it was over for me. I think he thought that my not fighting about doing things meant things were better. He is devestated and wants to do councelling now. I don't as I have been through all the emotions he waited to long.
I feel SOOOO guilty about hurting him and I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake. But I know I didn't. I thought about it for TOO long for it to be a mistake.
Right now my STBX can only think of good things that happened in our relationship, he forgets that 90% of the time it sucked or was non existant. Step back and look at your relationship from the outside. Was it really that good? Are you really happy in it?
Being the one that is left behind is hard as you really don't get the choice. I am sorry you are going through this, I hope your wife knows that you are hurt but I can guarantee she is too. I have never gone through anything as difficult as this and hurting people is not something I ever do.
Keep posting there is lots of great advice and people that are in the same shoes as you t really helps to know you are not alone!! HUGS
S.