What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
What do you think?
8
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 1:34am

Okay, I've posted here before, and I just want to make sure we are all on the same page. What do you say about a man who

1) constantly told me I am getting the girls ready late for school, which was completely untrue, and now that I make sure EVERUTHING is ready on time, proceeds to slowly make himself a sandwich, thereby wasting the crucial ten minutes that lies between getting them to school slightly before time, and exactly on time, which I don't like. I prefer them to be there a little bit before.

2) has made love with me on average once a year, and then once we decided on a day to make love, after we haven't for a very long time, proceeded five minutes before to look for the condoms and blames me for misplacing them. After I specifically asked him to prepare everything on time (condoms, to rest up the night before).

3) I asked to prepare my older daughters bed (there were no sheets) and requested to a)look for the specific sheet that was folded in the basket, whereby he looked for what seemed eternity, and couldn't find it, then finally found it b) put it on my younger daughters' bed, after I told him it was for my older daughters bed c) then proceeded to argue with me about pillowcases that he deemed too small to fit the average size pillows, which then of course was to me insulting my intelligence (for I am the one who makes up the beds and also they are the same pillowcases I always use.) When I asked him, "have you not seen these pillowcases on the pillows before?, he said yes, but whatever.
So, this man who has been in the army previously cannot seem to quietly be able to make up the beds without a whole hoopla surrounding the whole thing.

Now, I know this man is a passive-aggressive nutjob, but what other coin can you use to phrase this person? I am just trying to figure out what to think of him.

TIA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 8:22am

Sounds like normal relationship gripes to me.....


COMPROMISE.....


Hugs to you and good luck!


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 12:35pm
Not making love for a year on average, and having a husband who cannot make the beds when you ask, or get them to school on time is average, in your opinion? It's a very scary thought if you think that is normal. If you can't post something helpful, why post at all?
It bothers me to think that you, who post of your frustrations in your daily life, would reply with an answer as trivial as this. Especially since this is not the first time I am posting here. Would you like someone to respond to your post in a fashion that makes less the frustration you feel? Most people would agree that my husbands passive-aggressive behavior is NOT normal and I am a little surprised that you would think that it is.


Edited 6/8/2005 12:40 pm ET ET by smileylove
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 1:40pm

I am sorry you feel that way, honestly, those things are not something to waste time in thinking they are wrong enough to end a marriage or relationship. That is MY opinion.


I do agree that sex once a year is bad, but that sounds like a problem within himself, not you. From your post I am willing to bet the farm on you being more than able when the time comes ( or more ) and I think maybe something is wrong with him, maybe self esteem?


I am not here to judge, but based on what you posted, I believe those things are part of a relationship. Not every man is perfect, beds are not something to hold a grudge over in my book.....


Passive aggressive or not, you married him for other reasons, try finding those reasons again. Maybe counceling is a good idea?


Everything happens for a reason, I thank you for pointing out my opinion not being correct. Please understand I mean no harm and wanted to post maybe a simple answer to what may or may not be a simple problem. I don't know you and can only base my responses on what you post.


Again, my apologies.


Hugs,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 5:18pm

Here is what I think. I think that he did not want you to succeed in getting the girls there on time, did not really wnat to have sex, and definitely did NOT want to make the beds. Sometimes having to live with someone who behaves this way, you end up swinging out the opposite direction so vehemently that outside parties may begin to think that you are the nutty one. I've seen it happen. You get so upset over something that a stranger would see as very tiny and insignificant.

To them it's just a drop of water, to you it's the onehundred thousandth drop of water in his chinese water torture.

There are ways to live and love despite the passive aggression. Sometimes. If you are an infinitely patient and loving (nearly saint-like) person, LOL. And you need a really sturdy self-esteem, and great skills at relieving stress, too. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 5:36pm

I don't know the history on this post and at a COMPLETE risk of creating strife, does that mean that every man is passive aggressive?


I guess what I am saying is ( and this has NOTHING to do with the original poster

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 06-08-2005 - 6:46pm

Hi Rosemile -
Your post struck a chord with me... the drop of water/chinese water torture part especially. My STBX used to do stuff like that all the time - I would send him to the store on the way home from work for two items, say, milk & bread, and he woud show up with bread & butter. I persisted, because he was the one with a car, and the grocery is an hour and a half out of my way by bus.

But towards the end, I was doing more and more to avoid asking him to do anything, and it bothered me. Not because I minded doing it, but because what I wanted was a partner I could count on to do things, too. His focus was entirely internal - himself, his friends, his interests, his comfort. I got lonely, working in a one sided marriage, and that only increased the tension and anger.

I want to compliment you on your phrasing of the torture part - very eloquent. Maybe I will use that in my divorce statement!

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 9:48am

"His focus was entirely internal - himself, his friends, his interests, his comfort. I got lonely, working in a one sided marriage, and that only increased the tension and anger."

L, I want to commend you on YOUR eloquence now, too! That was absolutely perfect what you said. It describes what I am going through to a T. I just wasn't able to articulate it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 1:19pm

Thank you - it is a strange thing to bond over a mutually horrible situation, but hey - in times of strife the strangest things bring people together.

It is part narcissim, part passive agressiveness, and in my opinion, part God-complex, in that they think the world revolves around them, and that it is right that it do so.

Good luck, post to me anytime!
L