What do you think about this...?
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| Tue, 10-18-2005 - 12:45am |
I just got off the phone with STBX. We've been living in separate residences for about 6 weeks and have a verbal agreement at this time about visitation. We're at 80/20 custody (he has our ds and dd every other weekend and overnight every Wednesday).
Now this is going to seem petty but I'm pretty worked up and want to see what you think...I found out tonight that he is keeping some of their clothes after he returns the kids to me. I went to put our dd in her cold weather pj's tonight and only found one pair when I used to have 2. He happened to call and I asked him about it and he said "Well or course I need clothes for them when the stay with me." I told him that I pack a bag every time they visit with everything they need and I have asked him to return the bag as it was sent and he has never said anything about keeping any of their things. Then he says "What am I paying you child support for? I thought it was for clothes for them?" and I said it is but that he only pays for 80% of that expenditure so if he wants things to stay at his place, he needs to purchase it himself. This came after he asked for diapers one night when he was picking the kids up. I gave him a package and later asked him to pay me for them and he again said "That's what I'm paying child support for." My thinking is that if I'm paying for *all* of the kids' living expenses except for food when they are with him, then shouldn't he be paying me 100% child support or am I looking at this wrong? He often brainwashes me into thinking I'm nuts if I don't see it his way so I'm never sure what to think.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.

I used to do the same thing even though Stupid doesn't pay me any child support. I would pack snacks for school, give him lunch money, a bag of cereal and a couple of boxes of mac and cheese. Even though I was being evicted and my car was reposessed. It amazing what support you can provide if you really want to. But, I wanted the freedom and it was the only way to feel good about getting it. Sometimes I would even give him gas money to come pick him up. What a loser!
Jess
I have this problem.
I either don't get the clothes back or I get them back stained all to heck.
I have certain clothes that I send over there. I never send anything "good" like school clothes and I try to send the same things every time. I am down to the bare minimum, I don't send extra outfits for our 2 year old.
I still don't get things back. It makes me mad. He has started to buy things for his house because quite honestly I am sure he is sick of taking the kids out in stained clothes. ( maybe he should use a bib once in awhile! ) When the change of the seasons happened, i needed to get clothes that fit the kids ( darn kids are growing! lol ) I found out I was missing a lot from my son's clothes that were probably there all summer, sweatshirts etc..... I sent an email with all that was missing and I got most of it back. No questions asked. BUT...... he did play the "what do I pay you child support for???"
Well.... your answer should be You pay child support so that I can provide a roof over their head that can be embelished with electricity and gas.... and I buy food for them for X time that they spend with me. When they are sick, i take off work to take them to the doctors and I use gasoline to drive them there. There is always medicine available if they run a fever or catch a cold. At Christmas time, I buy their presents, during the school year, I pay for their school pictures and any activities they want to do.... when we are out at the mall I buy them lunch or a soda, I buy their school clothes when they need them and I buy them clothes when they grow out of the old ones. It costs a lot of money to raise a child. If you would like a dollar by dollar expenditure list.... I can arrange that... until then, just send the clothes back that I buy. K?
I hate that they question things like that. Its like because they don't have the kids all the time they assume that they are free. Like what the state mandates they pay us is enough....LOL! What about braces, sneakers, a science project, field trips..... school book orders? eek.....
When I was going through that divorce process the court referee told my XH that he needed to get ALL items like a car seat and crib and diapers for his house before he would be allowed to keep the kids for any extended period of time. It worked, my XH started buying things for his house.......
Hugs and good luck.
I know how you feel. I used to always send everything for the baby when my ex would pick him up. Now I dont. Yes he pays c.s but it doesnt cover no where near everything for the baby's needs. I cant call him asking for more money. So from on he has to be a responsible adult, im not holding his hand anymore. He still tries to ask what food am i sending for the baby, I tell him when he's in your care YOU have to provide for his just as I do. If you cant provide for his basic needs then you cant take him. Ive tried being nice by sending stuff and he gives me his a$$ to kiss.
So now let him be a "father" and see how hard it is to provide. I have the baby 99% of the time and when the c.s money runs out I provide for him still there is no way around it so for the one day or two days he gets him for 6-8 hours he's trying to tell me that I have to provide everything for those visits as well. Get real. He needs to grow up.
I mean if your kids are with him and he doesnt feed/change their clothes than that is neglect and his butt can be in a sling. That cant be allowed. Dont hold his hand because as long as we let them get over they will.
Child support is to equalize the income between households so the standard of living is similar for the children, theoretically.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
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Perhaps where you live, but this is not universal. Here in TX, unless the parties agree otherwise, the NCP pays a standard % of income, regardless of which parent earns more. Attorneys are not even allowed to enter into the discussion the fact that CP earns many times more than NCP. And there is a top-end cap but no bottom-end cap. You can and do have NCP's earning very low incomes paying large CS amounts to CP's who earn 3-figure incomes, forcing NCP into poverty or making it impossible for NCP to provide a decent home, food, entertainment for their children. No wonder so many NCP's disappear from their kids' lives. No wonder the kids don't want to go visit the NCP's tiny apartment and eat beans with no cable. Although the intent of this law was honorable at one point, it has degraded into being used as a tool to punish one parent. Now, don't get me wrong, I definitely believe both parents have the responsibility to provide a decent home, food, clothing, etc., but this "cookie cutter" approach is extremely unfair. And I totally comprehend that the state mandated CS %'s usually don't come near to providing adequately for children. One size does not fit all. I would love to see Texas totally re-do how CS payments are calculated.
My ex gleefully predicted that he would win full custody and force me to pay him every month and end up poverty stricken, so I wouldn't be able to afford to have the kids visit me. While CS payments are frequently appropriate, on occasion the way this works here can be patently unfair and used to the detriment of children, not to their benefit. Children should never be without what they need, whether they are with their custodial parent or not, IMHO. Thank god ex was wrong!
This whole issue is a real hot button for me. If my ex had won custody, I would have been financially devastated having to pay the state-mandated amounts and would not have been able to provide adequately for my kids on my possession time. It would have resulted in HUGELY disparate homes for the kids.
There's no way that CS can EVER really be fair, it is so arbitrary. I agree with the posters who state that pj's, socks, undies, playclothes, toys, etc. can be kept at each home with only a few things going back and forth--like coats, shoes, etc. My kid even has a bike at each house. My teen packs her own bag and moves alot of stuff back and forth sometimes, sometimes just a backpack--she has pretty much identical stuff at each home. I pack for the little one and very little goes back and forth, seasonal stuff mainly, or her sports uniform, school t-shirt, etc. She also has pretty much identical stuff at both homes. This is harder when they are little and outgrow stuff so fast. And yes, I think he should purchase his own supply of diapers as well as food. Is there a crib and stroller for the baby? What about a carseat? My main question is this, which one of you earns more? Does him paying CS cause a real hardship for him? Is the amount enough for you to provide for the kids? My personal opinion is that the way CS is calculated is quite often unfair. Every family's situation is very different and the courts don't often take this into consideration.
Child support and the keeping of the children's things should never, ever be used as a tool to hurt or control the other parent. I've seen in my situation how this is harmful.
Edited to add: I have heard CP's say, "he should PAY for what he's done to me". My friends are in utter amazement that my ex doesn't pay me CS since he has so much more $$. I agreed to that to get the man to stop his custody suit--it wasn't worth the risk in my opinion. It's God's job to make him pay for hurting me, not mine, not the courts.
Edited 10/19/2005 12:14 pm ET by momsacupcake
I agree with you.