What do you wish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
What do you wish?
3
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 9:29am

What do you wish your friends would have said or done for you in the early part of your divorce?

I hate to intrude on your board, but I have a very dear friend, actually 2 dear friends who are probably going to end up divorcing. They are my 2 very best friends, who were best man and matron of honor at my wedding, have been together for 13 yrs, married for 6 yrs and on Sunday he asked her for a divorce. She is absolutely devastated and I am not sure what is going on with him as he will only talk to my husband. All I know is that they have been having trouble for sometime, but neither of them have cheated on the other.

I just don't know how to be there for both of them without getting caught in the middle.
She is going to need more support from me than him will, so hence the question above. What can I do to help her through this time? Any advice I should pass onto her from people who have been there or are going through the same thing? No one in my family or friends have ever gotten a divorce so this is all new to me. I feel helpless to help them! TIA for your time and again I apologize for intruding.

Tricia

 



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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 11:15am

I am 2 months into a separation from my husband of 11 years. I can tell you the best thing that friends of mine have done is just listen to me, without judgement. My closest friends have just been there through all the tears, anger, and all of the other emotions I have gone through. I have had a couple of them basically drag me out of my house for nights out when I really have not felt like it. We have gone to dinner, comedy clubs, and actually had a great time. This board has also been a hugh help, reading others stories has helped me feel like I am not the only one it helps with the isolation that I sometimes feel. Well I hope this helped a little just know that being there to listen is the best thing you can do for her.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 1:16pm

I have said on occasion that in addition to custody of the kids, someone should decided custody of the friends. some are bound to get caught in the middle.

I have a similar set of friends such as you and your husband. They have been great but the fact is - they are both remaining friends with me and her husband and my former husband are remaining friends. I feel badly that she has cut my husband off but that has more to do with her than with me. The way to not get caught in the middle, IMHO, is to not pass along any information you get from one side to the other. Be a listening ear and be supportive but keep it to yourself.

The best way anyone has helped me through this time has simply been to help me take my mind off things by doing stuff that is unrelated - going to the movies, a musuem or just out for coffee but not talking about it, unless I brought it up. That is what works for me.

Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 2:18pm

If they have kids, offer to babysit as much as you can. I have had tons of appointments related to the divorce and have needed tons of sitters. Fortunately, I have been a good enough friend and neighbor, as well as member of a babysitting coop that I have had lots of folks come to my aid.

Also, include your friend in activities your family is doing. Call her up and invite her.

Tough that you and your dh are friends to both of them.

In my case, almost all the friends are *my* friends so there isn't nearly as much divided loyalty.

GL reaching out!

M