What do you wish you had done?

Avatar for atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
What do you wish you had done?
28
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 9:35am

I wrote a few days ago about my marriage and got some good advice back. My husband and I talked last night and divorce was mentioned by him and me a couple times. This morning he says he wants to work things out. With things going back and forth like this I want to try to prepare myself for the worst. If you could go back and "plan" for your divorce in advance are there any things you did or would do now to prepare finances, your kids, etc.

I don't want to get blindsided with a request for a divorce one day and be left financially unstable or with little access to my children. I know I may be being paranoid but I don't want to leave myself "unprotected".

Thanks for any thoughts.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 11:36am

In my fractured little world, I believe that your are either working on your marriage, or you're working on your divorce. If you work on both, you are taking neother seriously. And then you sned very mixed signals to your spouse, which will only amplify your current problems.

If you are still thinking the marriage is worth working on, work on it. Then, if things don't work out, you can truthfully believe that there was nothing else to do or to try. No stone was left unturned. You won't wonder or feel guilty.

If you think the marriage is done, go get a divorce. And don't pursue any marriage support because its a sham and a lie.

You need pick one and stay with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 2:00pm
I think you should throw yourself whole-heartedly into working out your marriage. You can't play on both sides at once. The marriage will either work or not (it takes 2 of you) but you can know that you gave it your all, whatever the outcome. Besides, if your husband knows you are not 100% commited to working it out, he may not ba as willing to try either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 2:06pm

Hi Alison,


My two cents? If you really want to work on your marriage then get into marriage counseling. Working on a marriage is not a do-it-yourself project. You can't be objective about your issues and you BOTH need to be prepared to take responsibility for the state of your marriage past, present and future. Counseling will greatly increase your chances of making it work. Ask for referrals and don't be shy about seeing a couple different people if you find the first one isn't a good fit for you.


Making a marriage work is a lot of hard work and its not an instant "cure." But, its worth it!


Good luck to you!

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 10:27am

Alison,
I don't think you are being parnoid, just realistic...I am in the same type of situation. One night, while drinking, my husband swore he wanted a divorce and then the next day...he wanted to work it out. I've told him things that weren't working and he is trying somewhat...but there are some things I WILL NOT put up with that he is not getting rid of...so I don't know.

I was a SAHM for 13 years and just went back to work Monday so I would have financial security just in case...plus I wanted to save some money for me just in case too. I didn't want to be caught with my pants down, so to speak. Although, I don't think my husband would leave me in that kind of situation...with no job & the kids to take care. I believe he would at least wait until I was financially stable.

I don't know what the future holds, but I want to be prepared and I think you are wise to do the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 11:30am

Alison and jaded1020,
Yep there are more of us in the same/similar situation. My husband and I have been through a lot of ups and downs and situations in the past 10 years that would have mostlikely caused alot of couple to break up on the spot but we didn't. Whether we worked it our or ignored it an moved on, I couldn't really say.

We have been through bankruptcy, separation by a job, a child, and his affair. Our friends and family well his family think we have this perfect little marriage. All the finer things in life and everyone his happy go lucky. There is a saying , "Money can't buy happiness but is sure is a pleasant way to be unhappy." Yep I agree.

We married young, I had never been with anyone else and now I am having my 30s mid life crisis. And so is he. We went to lunch together the other day and all we talked about was divorce. We talked about all the things that don't seem to work anymore. He wants me to be more outgoing I guess? Wants me to do things with him that I haven't ever done and honestly don't really fit who I am or have even been. I want more independance. I wan to have my own job, or business (we are self employed-he's the physical I'm the office). Not that I don't like my part of the business now, I love bookkkeeping and number crunching-I even have the college degree for that. That is me. The getting dirty in the field isn't me.

So after 15 years together 10 of those married, we have changed. OR our expections have changed. A good friend of mine, who's parents after 30+ years recently divorce said that it wasn't that they didn't love each other but things had simple changed. Their wants and needs changed.

I agree, our needs and wants and common interest have changed. But I still cannot imagine waking up without him or having him call to tell me a funny or gossipy story of the day. And he's even said that he can't imagine not having me there each night. But are we just settling becasue its easy.

I worry about my daughter. And I would sacrifice all the happiness in the world to make sure her life is as it should be.

What about the child? I don't care about the money or property. None of that matters, when it comes to the child. How if our hearts are broken how do we not break hers?

Broken98

Avatar for atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 11:42am

Thank you. It sounds like you know what kind of situation I am in. I guess the OP's are looking at the situation as black and white when it is actually grey. I am working on the marriage but am not that optimistic, am working on it though with all I have. I just still want to be prepared.

Good Luck to you. I hope everything works out for both of us as it should.

Alison

Avatar for atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 11:50am

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If we did divorce, our children would be our first priority. But, take it from someone who saw their parents live an unhappy existence just to stay together for the kids, it is not all it's cracked up to be. I would've rather seen each of them living seperately but happy. Although the financial aspect is something I have control over thus that is what I am concentrating on, my DDs are the most important in this but I think we will have to take their feelings into consideration as it comes.

My DD (6yrs old) said to me the other night (after my H and I had argued and I was crying) that she wished I had a boyfriend that I could go out with every week so that I could have a good time and be happy. It is already affecting her and I don't want my DD's thinking that couples fighting is the way married people live.

Alison

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 11:52am

ladies,

I must chime in a bit here. I understand that you are all frustrated with your spouses, but you need to look inside yourself for your answers.

Do you love your husband? Does he love you?

Do you make each other feel more positive or negative?

Divorce plan old SUCKS!!!!!! It is one the most painful thing you will experience. You are breaking away from a person you have had a lifelong bond with. 10,15,20 years. I truly believe it is harder to divorce someone than to actually lose someone to death. Death is final and there is no question about it. With divorce, you will always question yourself unless you have exhausted all the avenues available to you.

People think divorce is the solution. I think it sometimes causes more problems. It depends on the situation.

Your feelings for your partner will fluctuate during the relationship. There is nothing you can do about that. If you have a positive, trusting relationship the times of dislike and struggle will work out. If your relationship is abusive or trust has been violated, that is when you need to examine yourself and what you are capable of. It took me 18 years and three separations to finally divorce my husband. He cheated, lied and abused me for years. I exhausted all my avenues this time, and i know this is it. I am worthy of being respected and loved in a healthy way.

Relationships are only 'peaches and cream' on TV all the time, in the real world. A relationship requires work.

Good luck

Inner strength. MAddy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 1:34pm

Just had to indulge in a little self-pity and say that that is exactly what my h plans to do -- leave me with two young kids (6 and 4 1/2) and no job (I am a sahm). Stunning. So, I am doing everything I can to plan and prepare including looking into how to re-enter the workforce in the public school system so I can work my kids hours.

Glad you h is a bit more thoughtful if not perfect.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 3:59pm

Nor shouldn't a relationship be all work and no play cause that makes both partners

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