What do you wish you had done?

Avatar for atober
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
What do you wish you had done?
28
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 9:35am

I wrote a few days ago about my marriage and got some good advice back. My husband and I talked last night and divorce was mentioned by him and me a couple times. This morning he says he wants to work things out. With things going back and forth like this I want to try to prepare myself for the worst. If you could go back and "plan" for your divorce in advance are there any things you did or would do now to prepare finances, your kids, etc.

I don't want to get blindsided with a request for a divorce one day and be left financially unstable or with little access to my children. I know I may be being paranoid but I don't want to leave myself "unprotected".

Thanks for any thoughts.

Alison

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 5:06pm

i never said it's all work and no play. I just said that relationships take work. Any relationship. Friends, work, children etc.

Too many people give up because they believe the grass is greener on the otherside. THat may be true in some situations, but there is risk involved in that. People change, yes, but i don't think that being bored with someone is a reason to leave especially when children are involved. When you are in a relationship it is a partnership and requires both people to commit to it.

Relationships are supposed to be positive is all that i was saying. i know that people often dwell on the negative and let it overshadow the positive.

Reality!!! Any relationship takes work. Anything worth having is worth working for.

Maddy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 11-04-2006 - 5:16pm
Alison, If I had to go back and plan for my divorce I would be planning on how to keep it from happening. I would save enough money so that I could have drug it out forever. I would have the court make him get counciling. I would sue the other woman for all she has for how she helped cause the end of my marriage, but now she gets to keep her family and husband just because she changed her mind. Yes, I am begining to enter a bitter stage sorry. If I were you I would put my energy into saving my marriage. Not planning for its demise. Any marriage that does not have some sort of abuse involved is worth saving for the sake of yourself and any children you might have. Good Luck.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2005
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 1:07am

How to prepare your finances for divorce? I hope yours would be an amicable one if it happens. The day i got separated from STB-ex my relatives advised me to take out the money from the bank. I didn't think my son's father would drain me out financially. Guess what? He did! I was a SAHM and had no money of my own. I didn't handle the finances and trusted the husband for he was the breadwinner.

Divorce can get ugly. Good people who once loved each other could do worse things. What you are doing going back to work is a very smart move. I would suggest putting aside emergency money for yourself. You might need to pay for a mediator and/or retain a divorce attorney. Someone will have to move out of the family home and bills have to be paid. Child support and alimony takes time. Make sure your bank accounts are in both your names as husband AND wife and not just you as secondary member on the account. Copy bank statements and other important documents. You can even have a free consultation with a divorce lawyer now if you like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 12:03pm

To answer your original question (and I agree, life is gray, not black and white!) to prepare for divorce I would make sure you know his/the family's financial situation. While things are positive and you have access to accounts etc, make sure you know account balances, numbers, etc. Make a copy of bank statements/loans/savings/401(k)s/titles etc. so if things get ugly or he starts hiding assets or something like that, you have a paper trail. Get a copy of his recent paystub that states his salary, also. So much of divorce battles end up being over the finances...make sure you are protected in that regard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 12:06pm

Oh, and I would DEFINITELY see a lawyer, as the PP says. Know the laws of your state,your rights, and what you need to do. I'm a lawyer myself (in a completely unrelated area) but the same rule applies...the more you know and the earlier in the process that you know it, the better off you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 5:39pm
I think there's a moral to this story here, and I just realized it! As women, we should financially prepare to be single...just in case. I don't think it's outrageous to plan to possibly have to support yourself. Aside from divorce, people become ill, pass away, etc. You can still work on your marriage and create a plan for financial independence. I see nothing wrong with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 7:51pm

I've been married for 19 years and now am in the middle of a divorce. I gave my husband chance after chance to work things out. I felt he neglected us as a couple and us as a family. Things really heated up this year in Feb I told him to move out. We even looked at apartments together, then he wanted to work things out. Things were good for awhile. Then in May I went to a lawyer and had papers drawn up. I gave them to him. He was devasted and he wanted to work things out. I again said lets try. After all we do have a long history and 3 children. It appeared like he tried a little more, but, finally in August I found a text message from a woman to him, "thinking of you and loving you" Well, I dug a little deeper and discovered he had been communicating with this other woman all year, for hours at a time. Of course, this was the last straw. His last ditch effort to me to work things out with me, this time was, "you know I think we can work things out, because you know if we get divorced I'll be $650 in the whole every month." He only wanted to work things out because of his own selfish interests. I now know we don't belong together anymore.

I am so angry at him, and at me. I should have seen things for what they were. I should never have allowed him to take me for granted.

I think you need to take care of you!! Step back and try to look at your relationship. Do you really think you two should be together? Talk with someone who can be impartial and who can see your situation for what it really is.

Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 10:09pm

Amen!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 7:47am

Or you could try to change the society you live in for more equality conscious one....


And

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 10:02am

I'm not sure if you were replying to me... of if that's just where the reply was posted.....


My son knows all about how to help out at home--- I've posted that he frequently does the vaccuming at home AND he cooks.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~