What To Expect?
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| Tue, 05-22-2007 - 4:56pm |
My husband and I are separating/divorcing. We are trying to end this mutually without anger. We have no kids, just two dogs. We have been together for 10 years and married for 3 (2 of them rough) years. We just grew apart, and stopped doing things together, and now there is a wedge between us and both of us are unhappy. I just want to know what to expect going forward. I do feel like my husband has cheated on me in the past or may even have a current relationship. He says no way, everyone else says no way, but it's just a "gut feeling". I am a planner at heart and I know I can't plan for heartache but I just want to be as prepared as I can be for the possible scenarios I might experience. Such as the information that may come out later that my husband was too scared to tell me about now. He's always been so secretive and he is used to lying to me to avoid fights and I just feel there is something more to why our marriage fell apart. I have read that I may never know but I can't not know. Too many people will start talking after I leave and I will find out sooner or later.
My H and I started off as friends. I've known him practically all my life. I've known him as a friend for longer than we have been in a relationship. I just want us to be friends again, is that naieve? I think it will take some NC time after we sell the house and I move out of state but I think I can become stronger and move on so that a friendship is a possibility again. Has anyone been able to maintain a friendship with their ex? I do worry about him a lot too, besides his mother, I am the only woman he's ever lived with. I took care of him, now he will have to learn things on his own for a change...
I don't know, I guess I'm trying to soften the blow the day I find out that he did cheat during the marriage and/or he has a girlfriend and/or he's getting married again and/or he got someone pregnant. I guess there is really no way to do that but just take care of myself during this rough time and expect that I might find this out one day. I need to make myself stronger before that happens so I don't go back to square one right? This will be hard...sorry to ramble...

Hi. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.
My advice to you is to get into some good counseling. Focus on yourself and getting stronger as an individual so that if these suspicions come to light as realities, they don't have the effect that you are dreading. You can't change what may have been done, nor what may happen in the future, you can only focus on growing as an individual so that these things don't have an effect on you.
I believe (and struggle with) self-fulfilling prophecy. In some ways it may come to pass that you are actively "creating" this potential future event. Or, if you want to look at it another way, the time you spend dreading the potential future event (which may or may not come to pass) you are already investing way too much emotional and mental energy into it. If it happens, fine. If it doesn't, great! Don't burn daylight worrying about what may happen. Set some positive goals for yourself, get excited about you new life, and try to let go of the worry that is bringing you down now.