What is fair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2006
What is fair?
1
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 3:59am

We have so far agreed on everything....and now we are trying to hash out the actual schedule for visitation. We agreed to probablly having 2 days a week (no overnights), but seeing as our dd is only 14 months (and still breastfeeding) we need to ease into it. Ex owns a business and says the only day he can guarantee off is Sunday, but not Sat. (how convenient for him), or Monday (because of work). I'm thinking ahead to when she's older and one weekday is not going to fly well. Like how can he get a Sunday, and then a Thursday for instance?? What about school? Just that one day during the week seems odd to me.

I will be having sole custody, and was wondering what the "average" custody schedule looks like for this. I feel like with this one I am DEFINETLY getting short changed. Maybe we could just agree not to file that one day on the court order, and leave that one weeknight visit out of the writing? Hopefully he agrees to that, do you think that might work? Another thing that bugs me is that if he gets her every Sunday that means I will not be able to take her to church on Sundays, and only he'll be able to, and it kind of messes up ever being able to have actual weekend plans. I tried to offer every second weekend, and the week in between one visit as well....but he won't go for that for whatever reason. How could I convince him? Does anyone see a solution I'm not??

Given our situation (according to my lawyer) it is pretty much guaranteed that if I went to court I would get this, but I don't want to step on ex's toes, because I really want us to remain civil for our dd's sake. But at the same time I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Our whole relationship was based on HIS schedule, and I don't want to have to completely give up what I want just because that's what he wants. When we were together he hardley ever had any time for me and dd, and I actually have a feeling that he won't even actually use his access rights after a while unfortunately once he feels it is interfering with his 'free time'. How should I handle this???

Thanks for any advice!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 7:59am

Hi -

Well if he doesn't go for 50-50 then EOW and one week night is pretty standard. The NCP having a week night is pretty common. They just pick the kid up after school/daycare or after care and keep them until school/day care the next morning. As far as every Sunday instead of every other weekend, that really is something to work out between you. Personally I can see not liking every Sunday, just because you could never go away for a weekend trip w/o coming to some agreement, but in some custody orders the NCP has every weekend. It does sound like he wants it to work around his schedule - but who really wants their time to be while they are at work? and you do want him to maintain contact. If he has the child on times that he has to work, what will he do? Will he leave her with family or hire a sitter? The time that he wants with the child is pretty limited. It is less even than EOW and one week night.

I definitely would not argue the one week night. If church is your big issue with the SUnday - how early is your service? Could his time maybe start after church either every week or every other week? Basically I think that you need to think about how often it comes up that you need to/want to go away for the weekend and figure out whether it is worth fighting it. His requests sound pretty reasonable/fair to me. Think about - is your problem with it that he is getting what he wants or that you really think it is not a fair visitation schedule?

Also - if you figure out that you probably go away for 2 or 3 weekend trips a year - then put that in the agreement. "With x amount of notice, you will have the child for the whole weekend not to exceed 3x a year."

JMHO - Tina