What is falling in love???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
What is falling in love???
11
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 2:33am

The more I think about it, falling in love is very much physical, isn't it? My husband and I are done, but when I think about whom I fell in love in the past, I definitely did not fall in love with someone just because he was responsible or had a stable job or did the right thing. It was the appearance, the voice, the smell, the way he talked or walked, or something that was visual and sense-based. Since falling in love is not rational, it is dangelous!!! But then again, that's when I was in early 20's...

Yet, I am not capable of just having sex with someone for the sake of sex. I wish I could, but I guess I am only used to my STBX since he's been the only one for a loooong time. I don't love my STBX anymore, but I cannot think about other guys touching me at all.

I realize I don't fall in love with some guys who seem to be the good guy, you know. The one who seems to do the right thing. I remember my relatives were trying to fix me up with a guy who would have looked after all the financial matters, but that was not even an option to me. I couldn't even imagine living and sleeping and bearing kids for a guy that I didn't even feel for.

Did you feel this way after the divorce? Like there is absolutely no way that there will be a good enough person for you out there? If so, have you changed? I am happy because I am getting rid of an abusive relationship, but at the same time I feel that I should accept the fact that I may be single and sexless until the day I die? Or maybe I should just leave it to the future, whatever that holds.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 6:55pm
Yes, what you are feeling is normal, part of the process of detaching from your X. I really relate to what you are feeling right now, I definitely have BTDT. It does get better. The advice responding to your later post is dead on...read, get counseling, invest in yourself. When you are truly comfortable with the concept of being a single person, totally OK with not having to have a guy in your life is when that perfect guy seems to appear out of nowhere. When you are confident, independant, and comfortable with who you are, then you are not likely to fall for another "bad boy". You will most likely find yourself attracted to more than the physical attributes of the guys who will most definitly be interested.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 2:57pm
I know how you are feeling, I feel the same way. I can't imagine being with my STBX anymore but I also can't imagine being with another man. I too wonder if I will be alone for the rest of my life and that scares the hell out of me! But, I don't know how to get over it! And, the thought of 'dating' again seems crazy right now. It's been SO long and I'm not sure I even know how!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 6:00pm

With U ladies. I am petrified myself at the notion of. Right now I am at the point where I just can not imagine being with anyone other than my STBX--U see, I have never been. He was my first and only. And it wasn’t an easy thing even then for me to trust someone so, because of my abusive childhood. But I can not imagine being sexless either for the rest of my life. But then I can not imagine being with someone else either--it’s a vicious circle that I am certainly not ready to take on. I loved queenbuns advice. When you are ready --when you’ve learned you do not need someone else, is when it happens. Right now I am pretty much a recluse and shut in--I know not healthy, but I feel I need for a time of mourning. I might recommend you consider consulting a life coach. Like a cheerleader, they are apt to point you in the right direction. Sometimes you can find a combo of therapist and life coach-- which is what I have. Hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 7:51pm
You are right and I do believe that things always happen for a reason, and also when you least expect it. I guess I am just struggling with how I am supposed to be, it's been so long since I've been single, but it'll come with time. And, I have 2 boys to keep me very busy right now which is definitely a godsend! Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 2:29am

I have read a few of your other posts, ROM, we have very much in common. I too met my X very young, 14, and never even dated anyone else. He is a prominent professional, we built his practice together, he has a crappy personality disorder that is getting worse and he gradually became more and more abusive. My kids and I called it the Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde personality, we could never tell just what would set him off. It is beginning to effect his work. Filing for divorce was the hardest decision I ever made, I would not have been able to see it through without a therapist keeping me focused on the reality of the situation, not the hope and dream that he'd get help and be the person I once loved so much. Having a very experienced attorney who has dealt with people like my X many times also helped. Now that I have some distance, I realize I could not have continued to live that way, my kids could not have continued to live that way.

Life does get better. It is a long road, it is a hard road, but it is one you must travel to be whole and have a future. The kids need you to be stable and strong. They need to see one can rise from the ashes and like the phoenix, be better for the experience. The kids aren't going to get any good role model behavior from their dad. My big mistake in the whole divorce settlement was agreeing to joint legal custody, against my attorney's advice. I just wanted it over with. That one issue has caused me all kinds of problems because it gives my X power that he abuses.

I am 45, have 2 moody teens, a toddler and a psycho X husband, not exactly what guys are looking for in dating. Yet, I am on serious relationship #2 since the divorce was final. I have found that since I became comfortable with not having anyone in my life, I can relax on dates and be me. Sex that first time with someone else was a total freak out for me, but I was lucky to have chosen the perfect guy for that experience who made it truly wonderful. The guy in my life now is a good man: attentive, loving, affectionate, passionate, responsible, an involved dad, adventurous and just a lot of fun to be with. He may not have the GQ looks or the huge income of my X, but I am slowly and very steadily falling very much in love with him.

My advice to anyone fearing that great unknown of life after divorce- Be patient with yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve, to heal. Love will find you when you are ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 3:37pm
Boy did I ever feel that way. I was absolutley convinced that there would never be anyone for me. I had been married for 25 years to the same man. I didn't love him anymore and I was certain I would never feel that wonderful way again. I was actually ok with the fact that I might be alone forever. After all, I had my adult children, my grandson, my family, a good job, friends. I was pretty happy with my life anyway. I was sure happy to be out of a bad situation. And, another thing was, I dared not hope too much for what might not ever happen. Why make myself miserable? After about a year, I decided to try on-line dating. Just to get out and meet people. Just date, no relationships. I had promised myself that I would not settle. I wanted it all. Romance, love, a good life, kindness, compatability. No way would I allow myself to be treated badly ever again. So, after quite a few one date wonders, someone contacted me that I knew if he were real, he was special. Long story short. We have been together over two years. Both of us out of long marriages, scared to death and falling in love like never before. I still pinch myself, like "I get to be happy? I get to experience this?" And we aren't young and stupid either. Neither one of us expected to find this and yet we have. I hope that you do also. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 12:09am
You'll be surprised how, when you meet the right person, you'll be overcome with all those "butterflies" and want to be intimate again. It takes time but does happen...no rush, though. We all process our marital losses at different rates and there's no set timeline to when we feel like we want to be close to someone again. But, know that you won't be sexless forever...:).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 1:39am

Have faith, it will happen. When you are ready emotionally, physically & spiritually.


*I* may not be the person to give advice since I am at the total opposite end of the spectrum ... I dont have enough TIME to fit all the dates, in - lol.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 12:32pm

I think it helps a lot to have the kind of attitude you have towards dating - you sound like a fun person. I imagine that you likely give off 'fun' vibes rather than 'desperate' ones. : )

I think many of the ladies who come here will likely find themselves dating again and falling in love again. It'll happen when you least expect it. When my Mom got out of her last long-term relationship, she really thought that was it. So she decided to just go have fun and meet people. Now she is in a serious long-term relationship - and she's in her 60's and just loving falling in love again!

I tried the online dating thing and it really wasn't for me. Right now, about all I do is flirt with cute guys. I've thought about just casually dating - nothing serious and no sex! I cannot imagine getting serious with anyone since I can't imagine many guys would be interested in being seriously involved with a rape survivor. And I cannot imagine being happy in a sexless relationship, so please don't suggest that! (My ex suggested that and boy did it make me mad....) If I found someone who was OK with my past and willing to work with me, then maybe it'd work out and that'd be great. However, I'm not holding my breath! lol. So I am going to work on having fun and making friends. I know that I don't need to be remarried again in order to be happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 7:45pm
Thank you ladies for all the responses. It is good to know that there is a hope after the divorce. Obviously I am not ready because I am still wearing my wedding ring just to avoid men... But one day, hopefully, I will be ready! That is if I have time at all!!!

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