What is falling in love???
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| Fri, 10-06-2006 - 2:33am |
The more I think about it, falling in love is very much physical, isn't it? My husband and I are done, but when I think about whom I fell in love in the past, I definitely did not fall in love with someone just because he was responsible or had a stable job or did the right thing. It was the appearance, the voice, the smell, the way he talked or walked, or something that was visual and sense-based. Since falling in love is not rational, it is dangelous!!! But then again, that's when I was in early 20's...
Yet, I am not capable of just having sex with someone for the sake of sex. I wish I could, but I guess I am only used to my STBX since he's been the only one for a loooong time. I don't love my STBX anymore, but I cannot think about other guys touching me at all.
I realize I don't fall in love with some guys who seem to be the good guy, you know. The one who seems to do the right thing. I remember my relatives were trying to fix me up with a guy who would have looked after all the financial matters, but that was not even an option to me. I couldn't even imagine living and sleeping and bearing kids for a guy that I didn't even feel for.
Did you feel this way after the divorce? Like there is absolutely no way that there will be a good enough person for you out there? If so, have you changed? I am happy because I am getting rid of an abusive relationship, but at the same time I feel that I should accept the fact that I may be single and sexless until the day I die? Or maybe I should just leave it to the future, whatever that holds.

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With U ladies. I am petrified myself at the notion of. Right now I am at the point where I just can not imagine being with anyone other than my STBX--U see, I have never been. He was my first and only. And it wasn’t an easy thing even then for me to trust someone so, because of my abusive childhood. But I can not imagine being sexless either for the rest of my life. But then I can not imagine being with someone else either--it’s a vicious circle that I am certainly not ready to take on. I loved queenbuns advice. When you are ready --when you’ve learned you do not need someone else, is when it happens. Right now I am pretty much a recluse and shut in--I know not healthy, but I feel I need for a time of mourning. I might recommend you consider consulting a life coach. Like a cheerleader, they are apt to point you in the right direction. Sometimes you can find a combo of therapist and life coach-- which is what I have. Hugs.
I have read a few of your other posts, ROM, we have very much in common. I too met my X very young, 14, and never even dated anyone else. He is a prominent professional, we built his practice together, he has a crappy personality disorder that is getting worse and he gradually became more and more abusive. My kids and I called it the Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde personality, we could never tell just what would set him off. It is beginning to effect his work. Filing for divorce was the hardest decision I ever made, I would not have been able to see it through without a therapist keeping me focused on the reality of the situation, not the hope and dream that he'd get help and be the person I once loved so much. Having a very experienced attorney who has dealt with people like my X many times also helped. Now that I have some distance, I realize I could not have continued to live that way, my kids could not have continued to live that way.
Life does get better. It is a long road, it is a hard road, but it is one you must travel to be whole and have a future. The kids need you to be stable and strong. They need to see one can rise from the ashes and like the phoenix, be better for the experience. The kids aren't going to get any good role model behavior from their dad. My big mistake in the whole divorce settlement was agreeing to joint legal custody, against my attorney's advice. I just wanted it over with. That one issue has caused me all kinds of problems because it gives my X power that he abuses.
I am 45, have 2 moody teens, a toddler and a psycho X husband, not exactly what guys are looking for in dating. Yet, I am on serious relationship #2 since the divorce was final. I have found that since I became comfortable with not having anyone in my life, I can relax on dates and be me. Sex that first time with someone else was a total freak out for me, but I was lucky to have chosen the perfect guy for that experience who made it truly wonderful. The guy in my life now is a good man: attentive, loving, affectionate, passionate, responsible, an involved dad, adventurous and just a lot of fun to be with. He may not have the GQ looks or the huge income of my X, but I am slowly and very steadily falling very much in love with him.
My advice to anyone fearing that great unknown of life after divorce- Be patient with yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve, to heal. Love will find you when you are ready.
Have faith, it will happen. When you are ready emotionally, physically & spiritually.
*I* may not be the person to give advice since I am at the total opposite end of the spectrum ... I dont have enough TIME to fit all the dates, in - lol.
I think it helps a lot to have the kind of attitude you have towards dating - you sound like a fun person. I imagine that you likely give off 'fun' vibes rather than 'desperate' ones. : )
I think many of the ladies who come here will likely find themselves dating again and falling in love again. It'll happen when you least expect it. When my Mom got out of her last long-term relationship, she really thought that was it. So she decided to just go have fun and meet people. Now she is in a serious long-term relationship - and she's in her 60's and just loving falling in love again!
I tried the online dating thing and it really wasn't for me. Right now, about all I do is flirt with cute guys. I've thought about just casually dating - nothing serious and no sex! I cannot imagine getting serious with anyone since I can't imagine many guys would be interested in being seriously involved with a rape survivor. And I cannot imagine being happy in a sexless relationship, so please don't suggest that! (My ex suggested that and boy did it make me mad....) If I found someone who was OK with my past and willing to work with me, then maybe it'd work out and that'd be great. However, I'm not holding my breath! lol. So I am going to work on having fun and making friends. I know that I don't need to be remarried again in order to be happy.
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