What gives stbx the right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
What gives stbx the right?
16
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:26pm

What gives stbx the right to take my kids so much? I just need to vent. For years he's had nothing to do with the kids. He's chosen to come home and crawl into a bottle of beer and play computer games pretty much ignoring us now he's entitled to the kids? Why am I being punished so he can have what he wants?

He's got the girls this weekend so I won't see them at all from Friday until Monday night then his two evening visits are Tuesday and Wednesday next week so I won't have any appreciable time with them until next Thursday. I wish he'd just drop off the face of the earth. I don't care that he left but why is he taking my kids when he's had nothing to do with them for so long?

The only things he ever did for the kids were out of necessity because I wasn't here. Now he's entitled to them? This is just making me sick.

I just need to vent.

I just had a fight with dss. He started in on me saying that stbx wouldn't be fighting me like he is if I'd just agreed to give him what he wanted up front and not filed for divorce. WTF? STBX tried to stick me with all the bills in this house while he was to move into a condo and get a Mustang and he wanted me to hand him the kids in spite of drinking excessively (excessively for HIM. He drinks daily and has for many years) for the past three months. How the hell can dss think I should have just rolled over and taken it up the butt and handed my kids to a drunk? I guess blood is thicker than water. Never mind I raised him while his father ignored him like he ignored the girls.

I'm so hurt and mad tonight I just want to scream.

I've never hated someone so much in my life. When he doesn't call the girls or return their calls, I keep hoping he wrapped his car around a tree. I've never wished harm on someone before. I hate this.




Edited 5/23/2007 9:32 pm ET by gr8fulmom1

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:33pm

Just wondering ... didn't you say that your stbx has to do breathalizers etc. whenever he has the kids? Weren't there lots of other restrictions, as well? How is that working? Why *is* he getting them so much, anyway?

Sorry you are having to let your kids go and be with him. Hope, at a minimum he isn't drinking.

I think Karen, one of our co-cls said that divorce really improved her Xs abilities as a father -- better father post-divorce. Maybe, just maybe, that could be true for yours. Probably not, I know and that is scarey, but one can pray.

I certainly hope my stbx surprises me! I would much rather my kids deal with a competent Dad than what I imagine might end up being the case.

GL getting through the upcoming weekend.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:44pm

I'm sorry that you're going through all of this.

 


Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:51pm

Because we live in a pro father county. The default in this county is 50/50 with the kids, literally, turned into ping pongs bounced back and forth between mom and dad.

He does his breatalizers at a local police statation and then has to go for a urine test after a weekend with the girls. The urine test detects usage back 5 days. I think I only get notified if something is detected but he has to show up for the assessment. He's an SOB about the breathalizer. Can't believe I'm being such a $itch that I make him take one. You see, his drinking isn't the problem. I am. UGH. And now dss is telling me I'm the problem.

Drinking is so socially acceptable that people defend his right to drink even around his kids. Basically, if you're not abusing your wife or kids and don't have DUI's, it's ok here. But it's not ok. Kids should not have to spend so much time with a $hitty parent.

It doesn't help that I met with our old marriage counselor yesterday and he warned me about dry drunk syndrome. I thought all I had to do was keep him sober. Now I learn that he'll be edgy, short and have difficulty controlling his emotions for a while. Great. And my kids get 6 straight days of this.

The holiday on Monday is what made it six sraight days. I asked for the 4th of July because we always go to fireworks with my brother so he gets memorial day and labor day. I tried to work the weekends out so that stbx would get memorial day but I'd have the saturday and sunday before but that didn't work out. His normal evening visits are Tuesday and Wednesday next week. So he has them from 5:00 to 8:00 Tuesday and Wednesday as well as the weekend.

I'll see the girls for about 3 hours on Monday then for half an hour when I pick them up from school and half an hour before bedtime on Tuesday and Wednesday. They'll sleep here Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights but I won't actually have time with them. He's allowed to be as late as 8:30 with them and abuses it. He doesn't get that they need to be in bed by 9:00. He wants to make it as inconvenient as possible for me hoping I'll start giving him overnights on week nights which would strengthen his argument for 50/50 custody which results in me paying him child support becuase I out earn him. It's all about money and screwing me and I know it.

I'm not holding my breath on him being a better dad. I know how he parented my ss's. He used to leave them alone at night and go to the bars. I didn't know about that until after we were married when he tried to get me to go out and leave the kids home alone. They were 9 and 4 when we got married. He thinks sleeping children need no supervision.

He's always been a negligent parent. A big part of the reason I married him is I felt needed by the boys. (hey I was only 19, what did I know?). Now I feel very needed by my girls but he's taking them away. I hate him.




Edited 5/23/2007 9:58 pm ET by gr8fulmom1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 10:06pm

I think the basic problem is that mothers are expected to be good parents. When a man is a good parent (beyond Disney-Dad) then people are blown away. My XH gets called a great father because he plays with the girls. Homework? What's that? He's NOT great. He's adequate. But his line to me all the time is that he's better than HIS father. Better than bad is still bad.

I think that everyone is entitled the chance to parent. Sometimes one parent doesn't get the chance while married for whatever reason..... SAHM does everything and there's nothing left to do. One parent just doesn't realize what needs to be done. But there are those who's eyes are opened and step up to the plate. There are those, who like my XH and my sweetie's XW, who swear up and down that they're good parents, and yet they ALWAYS put their own wants and needs above their children.

Frankly, I think that's abuse. If a person can't be an involved, active parent, then they shouldn't have custody.

I'm getting off my soapbox.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 10:25pm

I agree with you Calla... I do think that that expectation has been set by society... and it sucks in a lot of ways, but one is expected and one is applauded for doing what they should be doing all along.

 


Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 10:45pm

Yeah! And what's up with that?????

Oh, that's right. Life isn't fair.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 1:58am

"There are those, who like my XH and my sweetie's XW, who swear up and down that they're good parents, and yet they ALWAYS put their own wants and needs above their children.

Frankly, I think that's abuse. If a person can't be an involved, active parent, then they shouldn't have custody. "

ITA! STBX has a track record as an uninvolved parent and CANNOT put anyone elses needs above his wants. He comes first. Period but because he says he wants to be a 50/50 parent, he'll likely get 50/50 custody. All that does is insure that my girls are inadaquately parented half the time and they lose their home and their peers in the divorce.

STBX has his mom financing him yet he's going for child support. Guess that gives him extra money for nice vacations to go with the condo and the Mustang. I hate him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 2:17am

You know what really bugs me? I get "His drinking can't be that bad if you stayed" when leaving puts me in a position of handing my kids over to him half the time! At least by staying, I guaranteed my kids lived with one sober parent but that now counts for nothing. The fact I stayed means his drinking is ok with me. That is such BS.

The truth is, I put up with way more than I should have in order to avoid a situation where I had to share custody of kids too young to deal with his drinking on their own. Not only is life unfair but we can't win. Drunk daddy with his proven track record of neglect dries himself up for a few weeks and just SAYS he wants to be a dad now and they give him the kids like what he's rejected all these years is now an entitlement. And my kids lose the only person they've ever been able to rely on. Me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 10:02am

Trust me, I completely understand. It REALLY sucks. While my ex wasn't a drunk, he was basically absent (physically and emotionally) for the first 10 years of ds's life. After being neglected, financially abused, and coming in 50th place in his life (after poker, movies, golf, shopping sprees, happy hours, his friends, his mother) I finally had the guts to file for divorce. Unfortunately, I had to agree to a near 50/50 custody arrangement, too. And this was the man that would just skate in on the weekends and take DS to the movies. Of course, he was entitled to this custody because it was "fair." Unfortunately, I did not have the money for an endless battle in court over custody, so we ended up with about a 60/40 split.

It's been almost two years since we've had this custody arrangement. While it does get easier, there are days when I still have trouble with it...like when I hear kids playing outside and DS isn't here. It hurts me to think about how much time I miss with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 4:28pm
One of the things I hate about anything anywhere near 50/50 is that kids just don't have time to go play with other kids outside. I feel like I need to keep my kids with me when they're here and they're missing out on their friends. It is so unfair to them.

Pages