What is a good counselor?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
What is a good counselor?
3
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 12:14am
I want to take my next step by seeing a counselor, but I don't even know where to begin... Do I just open up the Yellow Pages and call around? Saying what? Do I just get to the point and tell them that I have issues? Sorry for my ignorance... it's just I have tried to see several counselors but didn't really do much but chit-chatting about general things. How do you start talking about problems, or is it something counselor should initiate? I would really appreciate if someone could tell me some points on finding a counselor who works for your situation. Or even what a good counselor should help me to accomplish.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 9:41am

I think it's common to see 2-3 counselors before you find one that is a good fit with you. What I did was go on my insurance website, they had a list of in-network therapists. I printed it out and started calling only the one's who had PhD's (they have more training) and I looked for one's that dealt with marriage/family issues (I was getting divorced, but marriage counselor has the best background for my issues, which were understanding what went wrong in my marriage and how to find a healthy relationship now). You might have to see someone a few times before you decide they are or are not for you.

One therapist once gave me this advice: if you feel good after the session then that is not the right therapist. What she meant is not that you should feel bad, but that at least you should feel sad, angry, feel *something* after your session. The reason is that you are in therapy to figure things out, and if it was *easy* you wouldn't need someone to help you through it. Often the answers/issues are inside us and we've buried them because we don't really want to face whatever it is, and when the therapist helps us to see it, we cry or get mad or feel bad. But what happens then is that one we have faced it, we can see the issue more clearly and it's not so scary any more. After we cry or get mad, a little while later we feel better, more at peace, stronger. So if all the counselor does is pump you up and make you feel good about yourself, then they aren't really helping you much. In my counseling sessions, I don't always leave feeling sad, but there are plenty of times (especially in the beginning) that I did. Now it is more dependant on what is going on that week as to whether I feel good or sad. Sometimes I go in and I've done something and my counselor says I handled it really well and I know he is right. Other times I am sitting there, like a couple weeks ago, and I don't even realize I'm feeling sad and he just says to me, "When in your life have you felt most loved" and I just start bawling my head off because I can't answer the question. We talked for a while and I realize that I am really ready to find a relationship where I feel loved by the other person (something I usually avoid as a way of protecting myself from being dissapointed or having someone I love abandon me). That is what a good therapist does. He/she asks the questions that help you see what the problem is, and then helps you figure out why it's a problem and what to do about it. It's hard work, and it's not always easy, but it is the best way to get a better understanding of yourself and your needs, and how to get what you want/need out of life and your relationships.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 1:31pm

firstamendment gave some great pointers. its important to remember that therapy is a process - and its really about YOU doing the work and the therapist gently pointing you in the right direction (by asking the questions, etc). whenever someone says to me "my therapist TOLD me that i HAVE TO get divorced" i always wonder what kind of therapist that is (unless it is a clear case of abuse). therapists are not gods- and they should not be viewed as such. i also agree that its important to use someone who specializes in one or two aspects of therapy and not a therapist who dabbles in a little bit of this and a little bit of that.


definately ask them on the phone what their policies are re the first meeting - some therapists use the first meeting as a 'get to know each other' and don't charge for it - and its a good idea to go there with a list of questions. i once went to a really bad therapist who just used the first hour to

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 8:11pm

firstamendment and ck1960,

Thank you so much for such a great information. I am having a situation with my husband now and I will definitely need counseling... I am still in the very beginning of this ending process. I just mentioned my husband that I want to end this miserable marriage and even though he always said he was trapped and he regrets being with me, he just does not want to leave this marriage. What a mess I am going to go through... I know I will be exhausted because he has so much negative energy... I already feel tired by just mentioning the divorce. But I will stay firm. Again, thank you so much.