I asked him to be fair to me and tell me if there was someone else. He says 'No". He said it would be an easy way out if that was the case. We have been distant but Ithought is had to do with the way my daughter was behaving. In the 19 years together, we rarely fight. I though we were doing great (between him and I) He has not been hiding anything from me that I can see. I just don't know if I should just back off and give him space, or should I fight? Since he told me, he looks depressed. He says he never thought he would feel like this. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
He could very well be depressed and men do not deal w/ depression well.
Thank You. I suggested he look into a group for help. We both went to weight watchers to help us loose weight and it worked out great.
He could be depressed too. But I still would not rule out him having feelings for or seeing someone else. 9 times out of 10 when a man wants out of a long term marriage it's because he has someone else waiting in the wings. And he won't admit it if you ask him. If i were you I'd check his cell phone and e mail accounts.
I asked him again last night. Is there anyone else because now is the time to say it? He said, no. I talked with him and asked him to listen. I told him that I would back off of him for a while but that he needed to go through his "Thing" with all of us in the house. This is the commitment we signed up for and I would try with all my heart before giving up. I asked him to do the same. He seemed numb to the whole conversation but he listened.
I firmly believe getting your kids through their teenage years, especially the early teens, is more work than when they were in diapers! Is it possible your husband is just so discouraged and unhappy about your daughter's high-maintenance needs that he figures he could "get out of it" by just leaving?
I'd really encourage you to seek FAMILY counseling. Even the most understanding parents are vexed by their kids behavior. You need help. It may help your husband feel better about the family situation. And, I recommend marriage counseling again with someone whose got good "stage of life" experience with families and middle aged men.
I'm also convinced some men, not all, but some men, wake up somewhere around their 40 to 45th birthday and go, "OMG! I'm not 18 any more! I'm 40something! OMG! When did I get a mortgage, kids, a 401K, and when did my cute girlfriend start getting wrinkles = OMG she's my WIFE!"
I think most men navigate this period without leaving their wives and families, but they are suspectible to social suggestion as any teenager.
So, I give you tons of credit for setting a goal: Let's stay together and work through this. Is there any other MAN who could sit him down and talk to him, maybe someone else whose gone through the same phase and survived? It may be worth asking about from a family counselor or if you attend a place of worship.
Not saying it is the same, but it took a very long time before ex admitted that he was cheating, depsite me asking him several times point blank if he was.
Regardless, it is a sad situation and I am sorry you have to deal with it. I would go for counseling, as if he is that convinced he is bailing on the marriage, maybe it is time for you to cut him loose. I realize your daughter is having issues, but staying together for kids just never seems to work out for anyone.
That's is what I think is the problem.
I know exactly what you're feeling as I'm going through something very similar.