what happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
what happened?
7
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 1:44pm

This is probably not the right board to post on but I wasn't sure where else it would fit... I've been divorced for nearly 3 years and have finally reached a place in my life where I am ready to meet someone, have a relationship, and take that wall down once and for all! I believe in and want to give/feel/receive love again...

So, back in early February I was introduced to a great guy who was looking for the same things as me. He has never been married but he had a 2 year relationship with someone (they lived together). We hit it off from the beginning and started hanging out together A LOT! About 3 weeks after we met he went on a pre-me vacation to Mexico with a large group of people from his hometown, one of the couples that went and I are good friends... she said all he did was go on about how great i am, that he's glad he met me, etc... he sent text messages about how much he missed me, wished i was there, couldn't wait to see me, hold me, kiss me... blah blah blah.. all of which was very nice to hear post divorce/getting over the XH once and for all.

Fast forward to this past weekend... he comes to my apartment, holds my hand, kisses me, laughs, sits on my couch with his hand on my leg........ and proceeds to tell me that he still has feelings for his XGF and wanted to be honest with me in the event i ever developed feelings for him he would not be able to reciprocate... i was FLOORED! all along he told me and our mutual friends that he was ready to move on, wanted to find a great gal to date, etc... and he gets one email from her and he's telling me this... this woman, and i use that term loosely, cheated on him more then once, hated having him around, they fought constantly, and were generally just BAD for each other... she got knocked up while still with him - by SOMEONE ELSE!! She is now engaged to be married to the father of her baby... she's unhappy and regrets letting him go and knows exactly how to keep him right there pining for her, all the while bashing her fiance who i hear is a great guy... he's going to be miserable because she's doing it for her own amusement... not because she wants him back....

so i'm very disappointed because i genuinely thought what we had could turn into something so much more... my first foray into the dating world after doing the hard work of putting myself back together after my 17 year relationship/marriage ended has just blown up in my face... i'm 37 and i don't want to play games or be someone's f*** buddy... Right now, i am not interested in dating anyone, my wall is back up (and double bricked now!), and i feel like i'm better off being alone then settling for someone else that might come along...

i guess what i am wondering is how many of you have had this type of experience and did you just brush yourself off and get back in the game?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 03-25-2008 - 3:34pm

Ali,


Let him go. He's done you a big favor by being honest about his situation. At

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-1998
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 6:59am
Oh boy how disappointing.
Well I suppose he IS being honest, that's something. He also sounds confused & very much a door mat to the xgf!! Maybe just keep seeing him on a more frienbly basis & see what happens. What's the betting she wants him back because she's heard stories of how wonderful YOU are!!

 



Tracy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 10:44am

I got divorced when I was about 40 and after 3 yrs of not dating at all (mainly because I had little kids and no time to meet anyone) I decided to do the on-line dating experience.

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2008 - 7:29pm

Chaulk it up as your "in between time"............till you meet the right person for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 2:10pm

thanks to everyone who replied... been awhile since I've been on this board and wish I had read all of your responses before this past Friday... ARGH... here goes... and yes, i know i'm an idiot so while you are reading my post and shaking you head saying "she's so stupid"...it's ok...i already know that...

so i didn't talk to or see him since march 22 when he told me he still has feelings for his ex... until he sent me a text message on april 2 to wish me a happy birthday...all i responded with was "thx!" and went about my day... a little while later he sends me the ole "how are you doing?" text... i said i was doing ok and asked how he was doing... from there we sent text messages back and forth... nothing deep just catching up... i figured i wouldn't hear from him again and that was that... i was determined to stay away from him no matter how much i wanted him... (on a side note, the night he told me he still had feelings for his XGF, he also said he didn't want to throw in the towel with me and that he felt he was screwing up a good thing with me... uh, ya think?!?!)

this past friday, like every friday, i go to the same local bar after work and meet up with friends and co-workers... well guess who comes in!?!?! yep... he waltzed right in there... looking a little nervous i might add... and i had had a few in me so when he came over i said hi... well it snowballed into a longer, deeper conversation where i told him what i thought of his little "game" of coming to the place he knows i go to... he wouldn't admit it at first then after about an hour he finally said that he knew i'd be there and that's why he was there... he fed me so much BS...and did tell me that he knows he's "f***ed up in the head"... and how if he thought of me as just his f*** buddy then he would have not talked to me after the first time we slept together, that sex "involves emotion" and when i asked if he meant that about me he said "no, for both of us"... i fell for it, huh? so we hung out until around 2:00 a.m. and ended up going back to his brother's house, which was the closest to where we were... and yep... i couldn't resist him... but guess what?? i haven't heard from him since... big shock, huh??

the truth is... i did learn something about myself... that i can't remain emotionless about sex like some people can do... i don't have it in me, it's not part of my personality... and i tend to believe what people tell me... especially when they seem sincere...that's not always a good thing, i know... and it was obviously what i wanted to hear... stupid, stupid, stupid.... i guess i just liked feeling wanted... i knew full well that he's not going to snap his finger and fall out of love with his XGF... i soooooo much want to send him a text to blast him... but it's not all his fault... i just want him to know that i'm worth more then being his f*** buddy and that he can p**s off... but i think silence might be my best recourse at this point... then hit him with that the next time he comes looking for me....

my mom told me that she wishes i "was safely married"... LOL... don't believe there is such a thing... thanks for listening to me whine... i know i'll be ok... it just sucks knowing that i'm not as smart as i think i am...

Ali

Avatar for iladyja
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 4:58pm

Yea, maybe stupid, maybe not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Tue, 04-08-2008 - 9:28pm

Hey, but it sounds like you know yourself a little better and you've got his number. You're not stupid. Cut yourself some slack. Hang in there! His loss!