what is happening?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2011
what is happening?
6
Sat, 08-13-2011 - 8:24pm

My husband called me while I was away with my 3 children on vaction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 08-13-2011 - 8:34pm

I think your DH is even more confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2011
Sat, 08-13-2011 - 9:12pm

It is all just happening so fast that I can't even breathe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 08-13-2011 - 9:13pm
Basically he's telling you he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be with her and still have sex with you. He also wants to keep you around because the grass isn't looking greener on the other side with her. DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2001
Sat, 08-13-2011 - 10:43pm
Sorry about your situation. I can imagine the shock you are going through. There is a betrayed spouses support board on IV that you can also look at. Others are going through the same feelings as you.

My opinion is you need to see if you want to stay in the marriage or not. Your H is fence sitting and wants the best of both worlds. It sounds like you don't even know how long his affair has been going on. If you've been intimate, you'll need to get tested for STDs. You may want to look into indvidual counseling for you and possibly marriage counseling if you want to try to work things out. He needs to drop the GF and have no contact with her if he even considers wanting to repair the marriage. If not, go to a lawyer and understand your rights and what you would be entitled to in case of a divorce. Make copies of all your financials (bank statements, tax returns, investments, etc). May be needed if you do go down the divorce path.

I know its hard to try to think logical when you are probably enraged. I'm a betrayed spouse and am now divorced. Its very painful and a rollercoaster of emotions. My opinion is you need to look out for you and your kids right now. After my X told me about his A, it seemed like he went AWOL or something. He also showed little regard for the kids (mine were 7 mths and 2.5yrs old at the time). He disregarded the kids for months even after he walked out. Its almost like he snapped or was on drugs. It was just a totally different person. We were together for 12 yrs so I felt like I knew him well. Obviously I didn't. Or sometimes these cheaters are living in a non-reality that seems so much more exciting than their real lives. At some point, their reality crashes down too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 2:39am
I agree, fantasyland always looks so much better than reality. That is UNTIL fantasyland becomes reality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2011
Sun, 08-14-2011 - 8:57am
It must be really confusing for you right now. I'm a psychologist and specialize in breakups. One thing that research shows is that after a breakup, things will never be the same again. Your trust is gone and yes, if you work on it, it will slowly improve but never to the extent it used to be. People who break up and get back again report much more negativity in their future relationship and show considerably less support towards another. Him wanting to sleep with you is probably a way to get back with you. He'd made his decision when he left you, which was to permanently destroy the trust between you. He is clearly not happy in this relationship and even if you decide to get back with him now, the likelihood is that he'll be soon off again with someone else. Do you want to put yourself and your kids in this situation again? sleeping with him now is not only 'just sex' it's the first step to an on-off relationship which may continue for a long time reducing your well-being significantly. The other option is focusing on what you want right now to feel better about yourself and have hope for the future. I hope it goes well for you. I'll be thinking about you.