what have I done? reality sinking in.
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| Fri, 09-21-2007 - 2:16pm |
I've been a lurker here for awhile. Last night I talked to my husband about finally ending our marriage. We've been together for 22 years and neither of us are happy. He's been very agreeable and we've been talking logically about everything. I guess now it's really sinking in. So this might be a long rant. I just want to know if what I'm feeling is normal.
Alright so I know splitting up is the best decision for us. I knew when I opened my own checking account that things were going to start happening. I applied for a loan to refinance the house and got it. I knew it was at the point that there wouldn't be any going back and I was ok with that. We talked last night--I was so calm. We very logically talked things thru as to who gets the house, kids, etc...and that we'll live together while we save up money. I was so upbeat last night...more relieved that it was out in the open.
So he comes home today and tells me he's filled out paperwork to get his direct deposit transferred into his own account and he's moving on....
Now I'm starting to freak out. Can I do this on my own? How can I pay bills? Live on my own--I've never lived on my own. I went from my parents to him 22 years ago! Please tell me it's normal to be freaking out and second guessing myself about now. Is this just the reality kicking in. I mean I was calm and we know this is the right decision for both of us. Still I'm having this major panic attack that started after he went back to work an hour ago and it won't seem to let up. Somebody please tell me this is normal.
After we talked last night I felt so much. Scared of the unknown, excited about being in control of my own life, relief that we're finally doing something after just spending the past several years just "settling". Yes we've been thru counseling and nothing was resolved. It's just that now it's gone from the "thinking stage" and now is actually happening and I'm still all of the above but now feel so sad that it's over. Make sense? Why am I crying now--I thought I was done with all that when I made the decision to go forward with the divorce. I will get thru this right?

Well, why are you getting divorced?
We found that after being together so long we've just grown apart. We've been together since I was 16 and he was 18. Now it's 37 & 40 and we've tried. We've gone to counseling, we've tried to keep it together for the kids. I've been treated for depression for almost 12 years now--and I believe it's because of this marriage that's at the root of it. I've had to give up my wants and needs to keep him happy.
My husband spends 90% of his at home time on the computer playing video games. That in itself is enough to impact the marriage. I found his collection of cd's he'd downloaded online porn from--and we're talking at least 100 cd's if not more here. There's more, but I'm sure you're starting to get the idea.
We're amicably splitting up. Everything's in place to deal with house, bank accounts, etc... I'm hoping he'll spend more time with our boys (13 & 14) after he moves out.
Our older children (22 & 18 yr old dd's) have nothing to do with him as he was this way when they were growing up as well. He's not abusive towards them, just indifferent--or that's the way they see it. When they call the house they ask for me, not him. It seems to bug him, but what did he expect? He never spent time with them growing up. The boys are starting to act like that around him too--so I'm hoping he turns that around while there's still time. Otherwise he'll be a very lonely old man one of these days. He's never even held our 7 mo. old grandson. Just calls him a "parasite" and might look at him from time to time but never wants to do anything with him. Now is that a good example to the boys? They picked up the nickname, but love to play with the baby and show him off to their friends. I'm so glad they're not taking after their father. My 14 yr old ds has said that when he has kids, he's going to be a father to them and spend time with them. The boys are just now seeing that they have friends who have fathers who do stuff together and are asking questions as to why their dad doesn't. I've long since quit covering for him. Both our boys are in counseling--and have anger issues about their dad.
As for me, if I thought it would be better for the family to stick things out I'd stay. It's not an abusive marriage, just a neglectful one. I'm tired of settling, co-existing
Sweet,
I'm not going to question your decision to divorce, but I do want to ask you something: What took you (both) so long to be "independent" within your marriage, i.e. your own checking accounts, your own financing? I know its difficult to be objective about your own relationships, and I know its sometimes hard to let go of our beliefs, i.e. if you're married you always have a joint checking account etc.
So, given the fact you've "detached" to a degree and you have agreed to live together for the time being. What's keeping you from staying married and agreeing to "disagree?" It's some food for thought.
Just my two cents,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I guess the reason we haven't done anything is that we just didn't want to deal with things. We'd talked about splitting up but due to kids & finances we figured we'd give it "one more try". A few years ago he'd started saving money to move out and even was looking for an apt. before he mentioned that he wanted out. I panicked...his leaving wasn't what bothered me, it was that I didn't think I could make it without him. Well we agreed to one more final time. I finally found a med that worked for my depression and it was like I was waking up after a long sleep. I started feeling better about myself, took a job that I really loved (even if it was only temporary) and started to join the real world again. Things didn't improve with him. It got worse actually, I started realizing what I wasn't getting in the marriage. We did try marriage counseling & that didn't work out too well. I was blamed for the marital problems--and hubby spent most the session defending me. Basically our problem was I didn't keep the house clean enough, that's why he spent all his time online playing games and none with me and the kids. Even he disagreed with that one. He refused to go to try that again & that was the end of the marriage counseling.
The past few years I started dreading going home more and more when he was home. He wasn't happy with the house and such, did he help get it fixed up? No. His idea of housework is yelling at the kids to clean things up or fix meals. I think once I realized that he was the reason I dreading going home, I knew things were pretty much over. When I start thinking of divorce and having the sense of relief over making that decision, I knew it was over.
We've both been thinking of ending it for awhile. Hubby's from a divorced family and I think that's why he stayed so long. Me--I was just worried about making it without him. Never did this on my own before and didn't think I could. I do know now that I can & I will. We're both just feeling relief over this decision. I think our family will be better off not seeing me treated like a doormat and I'm hoping he'll realize he needs to change before he loses his sons as well. It looks like he's starting to spend time with them.
Just the porn issue in itself is
Our stories are a lot alike.