What have you learned??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
What have you learned??
7
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 9:38pm

I am wondering when you move on, what are some of the things that you have learned from your marriage that you will try to avoid in the future?

Mine are:
1) if his house is a wreck, just run..I am not kidding..leave! I took care of his appartment when we started to date and 7 years later I am jumping up and down if he pushes the button to start the dishwasher (but of course he will not load or unload it).

2) MOST IMPORTANT!! IF he drinks, then I am gone. I can not deal with another alcholic!! I can not do that mistake 2xs.

What advice does everybody else have?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 9:50pm

I've learned many things, but my favorite for separation and divorce is ..... Get it in writing. For example, never, ever assume that he/she won't let the GF/BF sleep over. Never, ever assume that he/she will continue to pay for half of things. Never, ever assume that he/she will not change for the worse, especially once they start dating.

My favorite for dating again is ..... Anything that you hate about him/her just a little will be magnified and become a huge roadblock once you get married. You can't change him/her.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 10:00pm
If you married one loser, don't look for the guy who pulls your heart strings right away after meeting him. Look for one who has no abuse in his background in any way, shape, or form. Look for one who doesn't drink or do drugs and hasn't. Look for one who is your friend, first and foremost. If he still doesn't turn your crank (so to speak), but he's your best friend, take the time to see if you do fall for him.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 10:00pm

Well I've learned...

That although I would like to have another relationship one day, I don't NEED one. I am fine on my own.

Like Dr Phil says, you train people how to treat you and I am going to learn to be a better trainer!

I have to follow my gut. I felt a really "ick" feeling more than once before I got married but paid more attention to his words than his actions. I will pay attention to actions and my gut in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:08am

I have learned that you have to love yourself FIRST AND ALWAYS no matter how many times he claims to love you and only you forever.

I learned that you cant depend on someone else to make you happy no matter how many wonderful SOUNDING promises they make you.

Always believe in yourself FIRST! There IS a TIME for everything and it does happen for a reason.

And even though it seems like you wont survive the breakup/divorce, when you feel totally broken and lost you WILL survive. You will love again, smile again, feel whole again. I know because I went through it and survived it. I believed my ex was going to be the love of my life, my forever, I was devastated when he cheated again and again and I ended it. Im over it now and can smile that it happened instead of still crying that it's over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:28pm

don't expect marriage/relationship to solve your problems.

don't enter a relationship until YOU have worked thru YOUR issues. unless you are in a healthy place, you are going to always attract, an be attracted to, other unhealthy people.

and DON'T walk down that aisle if you have any doubts. if it feels weird or wrong - it probably is. if your relationship hurts - that is not a good place to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:48pm

Always follow your initial gut reaction rather than your heart.

Next serious relationship... do a background check!! I know it sounds crazy but had I did that I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 1:05pm
Great topic!
Mine are – I will never let anyone make me believe I am weak again. I have learned I am SO much stronger than I knew! I have also learned that I AM BEAUTIFUL! I have learned that I do not need to settle for “scraps” of respect or attention. I don’t need to be the center of someone’s universe, but I will never settle for being disrespected again. I will look for a partner who is financially stable. That doesn’t mean “rich”. That just means he’s able to manage what he has. Also, someone neater than me would be nice! ;) I can be a slob from time to time (but I CLEAN IT UP). My eyes are also MUCH more opened to “needy” men. I will avoid getting into a relationship with them. I have also learned to SPEAK UP! When something feels out of place – I will say something, rather than keeping quiet and resenting him and myself for doing it! I have learned to TRUST MY INSTNCTS and my own judgement.
What I learned…. Love should cost as much as my marriage did. To quote 2 great musicals: “I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine.” (RENT) “Too long I’ve been afraid of losing love I guess I’ve lost. Well if that’s love – It comes at much too high a cost.” (Wicked)
I have also learned to love MYSELF! I feel I am someone WORTHY of love. I look forward to finding that magic again! 

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr