What is he thinking now, ya know.....
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What is he thinking now, ya know.....
| Sat, 03-05-2005 - 6:17am |
Hi I've been on here before but it's been awhile, I'm now divorced. Feb 11, as i drove hom form court, with no one buy my self, and he never showed. I cried I mean really, cried as i sit here now i feel sad, of the loss, the loss of everything, from on decsion that he made to change our lives and the lives of our children. I wondered when he took that first snort, did he think of us? I wondered if that, when he took those pills, did he take them one at a time and say to himself, "here's to loosing her," when he placed that first bet the second the third, did he say this is for "each of my girls." When he would do all this at once did he say, "here's to loosing my business," I worked so hard for, "here's to loosing my home i built with my own two hands." And when he cheated did he say, "heres to my vow's". I thought of this on the way home, not really knowing what i was crying for, the whole loss, was it the loss of the man who was once a man, but now just a shell of who he was. He left us behind I feel, he left us so long ago and I was so blind. If I had none our love would come to this, we could of saved our hearts, could i have saved him? When he finally got the pappers saying he was divorced was he happy I wonder what he felt, he knew I was going. I don't think he thought about me actually going through with it. I don't know what i feel am I happy, am I sad, does the confusion ever go away. Do you ever stop hating, do you ever forgive, or anything. I now am the mother father of our girls and I'm tired. They are in counseling, and seem to be doing ok. I don't go I know i need to but, the last times i went they didn't go through this even though they are trained, I feel that the only one's who could help are the one's who lived it. I just want to know what he was feeling when he opened the letter saying your divorce is granted.
Laura
Laura

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:) hugs to you
My father was a drug addict. He cheated on my mom, didn't come home most nights, she divorced him. I believe now that he lacked the capacity to love himself and therefore he could not love others. He knew he was our father. He spent time with us here and there, but he also did drugs in front of us. He called and sent birthday gifts, but most times he was not there because he chose to not be there. He did not love my sister and I. He couldn't. When I was 11 he killed himself. For the past 23+ years I have wondered if he was thinking of me when he decided to end it. Was he thinking about me growing up, getting married, having a child, getting divorced? Was he thinking of me needing him? Was he thinking he loved me and did he know how much I loved him? And if so, how could he decide to do the one thing that would ensure I endured the most pain possible?
I know in my head that he was thinking he couldn't live any more. That he didn't deserve to. I know he was thinking we were better off without him, and the saddest thing is that he was right. I know he didn't mean to hurt everyone he hurt (us, his parents, his siblings). He just didn't think he had any other options. I know all this but it does not make it hurt any less. It doesn't feel like I have an answer to my questions because they are all the wrong answers. It wasn't supposed to turn out like that.
Please go to counseling. You need it for you and your children need you to do it. They are going to have more issues growing up than their own counseling will address. You need to get through this so that you can help them as they get older, so you know what to look for, what signs, what to say when they ask you the questions you never expected to be asked. You cannot get through this on your own nearly as well as with the help of counseling. Please trust me on this. There are counselors out there experienced in families destroyed by drug use. Find one and start going. Please.
I wish I could make it better for both of you... I couldn't possibly know of understand either situation.
Hugs and please know we are here.
Many hugs,
Angelena
laura i am sending you and your kids HUGE HUGS! you need to get thru this and you WILL get thru this, i promise you, you will look back on these dark days and think "wow, i did it, i'm ok, i'm on the other side, i survived it and i am stronger now". you will - we have alll been thru those dark dark days. i remember walking around feeling like a pot ready to boil. all someone had to do was say good morning and i would feel tears rush to my eyes. even now, when i look back, i can't believe it - how far i've come, how much i've accomplished in just a short time. so yes, it was horrible - even tho *I* was the one who initiated it, but i initiated the divorce because living with an abusive addict was no longer an acceptable situation for me.
every one here has a different story to tell. we have all had different hardships - some are stories of abusse, or drugs, or gambling, cheating, money, in-laws, you name it - i've heard every story in one form or another. so - the bottom line is this - its YOUR life now, its in YOUR hands and its up to YOU to make the best of a bad situation. I don't know why your ex decided to act the way he did - you don't know why he did - heck, he probably is so high right now that HE doesn't know why. but the really important thing to remember is that "THIS IS HAPPENING WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT".
so - its up to you. how do you want to spend the rest of your life. do you want to let your husband control your life, by YOU spending all your time and energy on trying to figure HIM out? or do you want to take all that energy and passion and invest it in YOU?
so take the time you need to cry and then get out there and get help.
>>>so - its up to you. how do you want to spend the rest of your life. do you want to let your husband control your life, by YOU spending all your time and energy on trying to figure HIM out? or do you want to take all that energy and passion and invest it in YOU?<<<
Very well said. The OP needs to grieve and get through this, hopefully with the help of therapy, but the bottom line will be where does she focus her attention and engergy. You can't figure out a drug addict or an abusive person. You can't change them and you can't make sense of their choices. You can only accept it is what it is and then take care of yourself.
It is okay for me. I can't change what my father's choices were. I was fortunately to have a very strong mother who who I could always talk to, express my feelings and have them validated, whatever they were. Plus it was a long time ago, and time does help heal wounds.
We don't get to pick the paths our lives will take. The troubles we experience make us stronger and make us who we are. I am happy with who I am and I am happy with my life today. The choices other people make cannot change that for me.
excellent outlook!
You are absolutely correct on all aspects....
Hugs,
Angelena
Laura
(((HUGS))) Laura, i have some of those same feelings (i just posted earlier tonite, its the 1st time i saw H, from afar, since he was removed via RO more than 4 weeks ago & i have since filed for Divorce). I think "What is he thinking? Is he thinking of us? Or is he still balming ME? Does he realize that his drinking & his abuse & his irresponsibility is what put him where he is, or is he still thinking i am a B****?" But mostly, "Will he come through for our 5 yr old dd, who adores him - or will he continue this downslide into Hell & end up alone, & dead?"
Could you have saved him? No. Emphatically "NO"! It sounds like there was assiciton, substances & gambling. NO ONE can save him but himself.
I also know mine NEVER thought i would actually go thru with it either. But i did. We did ... & we WILL come out on the other side. No matter WHAT happens to them.
R~
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