What is he thinking now, ya know.....
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What is he thinking now, ya know.....
| Sat, 03-05-2005 - 6:17am |
Hi I've been on here before but it's been awhile, I'm now divorced. Feb 11, as i drove hom form court, with no one buy my self, and he never showed. I cried I mean really, cried as i sit here now i feel sad, of the loss, the loss of everything, from on decsion that he made to change our lives and the lives of our children. I wondered when he took that first snort, did he think of us? I wondered if that, when he took those pills, did he take them one at a time and say to himself, "here's to loosing her," when he placed that first bet the second the third, did he say this is for "each of my girls." When he would do all this at once did he say, "here's to loosing my business," I worked so hard for, "here's to loosing my home i built with my own two hands." And when he cheated did he say, "heres to my vow's". I thought of this on the way home, not really knowing what i was crying for, the whole loss, was it the loss of the man who was once a man, but now just a shell of who he was. He left us behind I feel, he left us so long ago and I was so blind. If I had none our love would come to this, we could of saved our hearts, could i have saved him? When he finally got the pappers saying he was divorced was he happy I wonder what he felt, he knew I was going. I don't think he thought about me actually going through with it. I don't know what i feel am I happy, am I sad, does the confusion ever go away. Do you ever stop hating, do you ever forgive, or anything. I now am the mother father of our girls and I'm tired. They are in counseling, and seem to be doing ok. I don't go I know i need to but, the last times i went they didn't go through this even though they are trained, I feel that the only one's who could help are the one's who lived it. I just want to know what he was feeling when he opened the letter saying your divorce is granted.
Laura
Laura

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laura
laura - people CAN and DO change. of course - not the BASIC personality, but people CAN and DO change negative habits, and addicts CAN change. I think the point that we all miss (tho, some of us eventually do catch on, lol) is that *we* can't change *others*. we tend to think that all we need to do is love/help/support/enable/coverup/be a doormat, or even we think that *WE* need to change in someway (lose weight, be nicer, get a job, quit our job, spend moeny, stop spending, dress this way or that....) and that *OUR* changing of OUR actions/habits will somehow convince/encourage our spouse/SO to change.
and i think that THIS type of dysfunctional thinking is our downfall.
Your ex has made his choices. and yes - its not fair. and yes - *his* choices are affecting YOU and your children. but those are HIS choices. and you can stand there until you are blue in the face - and it still won't make one iota of a difference because in order to change.....{drum roll} the person who NEEDS to change is the one who NEEDS to make that choice. if it doesn't come from HIM - it ain't gonna happen. and he needs to REALLY be convinced about this - not "i want my family back so i will go thru the motions of changing" but TRULY understanding (thru therapy, group therapy, etc) and TRULY taking the responsibility.
so ---- don't hold your breath. and you just have to pick YOURSELF up and move on. its not easy - i grant you that - but it IS possible. any changes that will take place from this point on - will be the changes that YOU will implement into YOUR life. your ex is on his own - and you need to keep him there.
again - huge hugs and good luck
laura
I wholeheartedly agree with the responder who said that people can and do change. Your kids' dad could change and end up being a great dad, but it is up to him, nothing to do with you. You can change and stop feeling like a victim and see this as an OPPORTUNITY for growth.
Bless you, it's been a tough set of circumstances, but you can make a good life for yourself and your children! You are responsible for your own happiness, no matter what the circumstances.
I suggest you go to the library and get all you can find about positive thinking, esteem re-building, etc. Have you ever considered Al-anon? I know you don't live with him anymore, but they may be able to help you release some of your resentment toward him and deal with him when he sees the children.
Keep yourself busy with taking care of the kids and doing growth-inspired activities for yourself. Stop yourself from dwelling on pain and loss. You can choose not to be a victim.
Cupcake
thank you laura
Here comes a cyber pat on the back and a big "atta girl"!
I have to constantly do the same things myself to keep out of the self-pity hole.
Laura
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