What is he thinking now, ya know.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
What is he thinking now, ya know.....
17
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 6:17am
Hi I've been on here before but it's been awhile, I'm now divorced. Feb 11, as i drove hom form court, with no one buy my self, and he never showed. I cried I mean really, cried as i sit here now i feel sad, of the loss, the loss of everything, from on decsion that he made to change our lives and the lives of our children. I wondered when he took that first snort, did he think of us? I wondered if that, when he took those pills, did he take them one at a time and say to himself, "here's to loosing her," when he placed that first bet the second the third, did he say this is for "each of my girls." When he would do all this at once did he say, "here's to loosing my business," I worked so hard for, "here's to loosing my home i built with my own two hands." And when he cheated did he say, "heres to my vow's". I thought of this on the way home, not really knowing what i was crying for, the whole loss, was it the loss of the man who was once a man, but now just a shell of who he was. He left us behind I feel, he left us so long ago and I was so blind. If I had none our love would come to this, we could of saved our hearts, could i have saved him? When he finally got the pappers saying he was divorced was he happy I wonder what he felt, he knew I was going. I don't think he thought about me actually going through with it. I don't know what i feel am I happy, am I sad, does the confusion ever go away. Do you ever stop hating, do you ever forgive, or anything. I now am the mother father of our girls and I'm tired. They are in counseling, and seem to be doing ok. I don't go I know i need to but, the last times i went they didn't go through this even though they are trained, I feel that the only one's who could help are the one's who lived it. I just want to know what he was feeling when he opened the letter saying your divorce is granted.
Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 6:23am
your right we will come through this, like all the messages i have recieved from everyone we couln't change them. My dr. regular dr, she's great she said to me one time, laura i beleive(she's divorced also} no one changes, I think that we are so blinded by love, that what ever should alert us we overlook, and as we grow with those people we finally see what they are. I've talked to him twice they were fights really, and haven't seen him since the divorce his parents pick up the kids, he lives with them, and has to have supervised vistits, untill he does a hair folicle test. i know this borad and all the people here will become my friends to hear me vent, and that is great.
laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-06-2005 - 7:04am

laura - people CAN and DO change. of course - not the BASIC personality, but people CAN and DO change negative habits, and addicts CAN change. I think the point that we all miss (tho, some of us eventually do catch on, lol) is that *we* can't change *others*. we tend to think that all we need to do is love/help/support/enable/coverup/be a doormat, or even we think that *WE* need to change in someway (lose weight, be nicer, get a job, quit our job, spend moeny, stop spending, dress this way or that....) and that *OUR* changing of OUR actions/habits will somehow convince/encourage our spouse/SO to change.


and i think that THIS type of dysfunctional thinking is our downfall.


Your ex has made his choices. and yes - its not fair. and yes - *his* choices are affecting YOU and your children. but those are HIS choices. and you can stand there until you are blue in the face - and it still won't make one iota of a difference because in order to change.....{drum roll} the person who NEEDS to change is the one who NEEDS to make that choice. if it doesn't come from HIM - it ain't gonna happen. and he needs to REALLY be convinced about this - not "i want my family back so i will go thru the motions of changing" but TRULY understanding (thru therapy, group therapy, etc) and TRULY taking the responsibility.


so ---- don't hold your breath. and you just have to pick YOURSELF up and move on. its not easy - i grant you that - but it IS possible. any changes that will take place from this point on - will be the changes that YOU will implement into YOUR life. your ex is on his own - and you need to keep him there.


again - huge hugs and good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 5:52am
Thank you for your message,that's one thing i know he will not go to therepy. and yes i need to pick myself up because i've been holding back for what i don't know. But i do know it's time.
laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 03-07-2005 - 1:30pm

I wholeheartedly agree with the responder who said that people can and do change. Your kids' dad could change and end up being a great dad, but it is up to him, nothing to do with you. You can change and stop feeling like a victim and see this as an OPPORTUNITY for growth.

Bless you, it's been a tough set of circumstances, but you can make a good life for yourself and your children! You are responsible for your own happiness, no matter what the circumstances.

I suggest you go to the library and get all you can find about positive thinking, esteem re-building, etc. Have you ever considered Al-anon? I know you don't live with him anymore, but they may be able to help you release some of your resentment toward him and deal with him when he sees the children.

Keep yourself busy with taking care of the kids and doing growth-inspired activities for yourself. Stop yourself from dwelling on pain and loss. You can choose not to be a victim.

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 7:13am
thank you cupcake, i did go to al-non when i was a teen for my dad's habbits. And i have been thinking about going for his. I will go to the library, i need to. I need to pick myself up, and start thinking positive. In stead of poor me. all this advice is very help full i appreciate and will strive to be the best i can be.
thank you laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:05am

Here comes a cyber pat on the back and a big "atta girl"!

I have to constantly do the same things myself to keep out of the self-pity hole.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 5:58pm
Lol thanks for the cyber pat. I need it. I had taken my youngest to counciling today, and she refuses to talk about her father and I. She's 9, and very angry hopefully, with the counselers help she can stop being so angry with everyone. Well i just want to say thanks to everyone, and i will start my new me.
Laura

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