What the HECK is going on with me !!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
What the HECK is going on with me !!!!
4
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 12:06pm
Help!!! Tell me I am normal, please!!! Lie to me if you have to!!!! I am completely messed up. I just signed my divorce paperwork on Monday and I can't stop crying. I am second guessing everything now. Did I do the right thing? Could I have made it work with my ex? What in the heck just happened to me? Will I be happy? Why am I missing my life with him? What will my children think of me later? Am I just a part time MOM now???
Without boring all of you, I'll give you my very, very short story...... My H and I met when we were young, wild and crazy. He and I made some mistakes in our relationship all along. None of them were helping build a healthy relationship. We had children. Life seemed great. Later in our marriage, my H lied about a continued drug use (did all along, but I thought he quit like his promise to me). His tone is condescending all the time. He's very sarcastic and cutting. He treated me like an object. He was jealous of my job (made more $). Two years ago, he and I had intimate interlude with a friend of his, regretfully on my part. Alcohol had something to play in it. never got over that.
But.....he is a wonderful father. He loves the kids. Would do anything for the kids. Loved me. But wouldn't get help for the drug use or convince me that he had stopped. And in the end when I met OM and fell in love with him. (He's wonderful!) H didn't REALLY fight for me. He said he did, but with thoughts, not actions.
Now, one year after he moved out. We are divorced. I am sad, angry, mixed up and don't understand what I am doing. What I have done and why I have done it.... And even to the end, he told me he didn't want the divorce and still loved me.
I left because I thought he and I would never make it and I wanted to start this new life with this new OM. I do love OM. He's almost perfect in that he has the sensitivity that most men don't, but with strength and security. He's charming, romantic, adorable, handsome, thoughtful and I am crazy about him.....but.....I still have these feelings of anger, sadness and regret with the ex. Is this possible to have both of these at the same time??? Is it normal to feel this going through a divorce? Hell, we met young and were together for 17 years.
I have two kids in elementary school. They went to counseling. They seem to have adjusted well with the seperation and now divorce. They too love my new man. But still have feelings of sadness which is normal. And I get them 8 out of 14 days. That's not enough!!! I miss them so much. But should I have stayed for them????
My Mom said that my ex emotionally manipulated me and still does. She said that if our marriage was good, then no one would have come between us. She wasn't his biggest fan. He didn't have a relationship with my Mom. My new man calls my Mom and talks to her like a person and they have great talks. I'm glad. My Mom is awesome. My Mom is also right. He did and still does emotionally manipulate me. He told me that I made a mockery out of our marriage by seeing another man when we were still married technically in one breath and in the other tells me he loves me. Every time we have a conversation, he brings up the past. Throws it in my face and wants some type of validation which I can't give him because I believe he made some mistakes too that caused this to happen to us. It's like I am letting him put me down, letting him yell at me and tell me what I did as a form of punishing myself because I do feel some guilt of what I did. I allow him to say what he does to me. I know I shouldn't. But it happens.....
So, my very short story ended up longer than I wanted and I apologize if I have rambled. Any advice that you can give, I welcome. Any of your own experiences are welcome as well.
God Bless, B
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 1:00pm

I am having this same problem these days. UGH!


I wish I knew how to fix it.


My ex left me pregnant with our second child and with our 4 year old at home. I found out later he left me for another "girl". Since then, things have gone down hill. We go months without seeing him sometimes, basically his choice. He was a great father to our son and I still believe in him even though he continues to treat me like crap. Everything is my fault, even though he left me for someone else. Makes me nuts.


Anyway, I still think about him. More the last couple of weeks than anything. I have "dreams" every single night! It's driving me nuts and I don't know how to get rid of them....lol. I don't think about him when I go to bed, in fact my SO and I usually talk about everything but him before we go to sleep.


I would love some advice on this. For me, it's been 19 months, I am with someone else, had a baby with this man and my kids love him. I am crazy about him. He isn't perfect but there is NO REASON I should want anything to do with my XH.


UGH!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 3:17pm

"I allow him to say what he does to me. I know I shouldn't. But it happens"

You can decide to stop it. You don't need to wait for some milestone, you don't have to look for signs that the time is right. You can stop it now.

If he starts in, you can say, "that's your perception," or "so you say," then end the conversation. Stick to talking to the kids, and when all business is taken care of, end it. Now is the time. Don't ask yourself why you put up with it, just make the decision, and stop.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Wed, 03-30-2005 - 8:12pm

Why do you only get your kids 8/14 days?

Just wondering?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 9:12am
Believe me, 8 out of 14 days isn't nearly enough for me. When H moved out, the kids were shocked and very upset. We started splitting time and they felt better. They really do love him and he does them. If I had MY way, I'd have them most of the time, but It's not about me. It's about them. They want to see him. They need to see him. At some point, they will figure him out. I can't make that choice for them. He doesn't abuse them. He does have an anger tone and is very sarcastic, which my kids are learning. But he is a good father. Does them right most of the time. It could be worse.
If he gets pulled over for drinking and driving (which he doesn't do with them), or for possession of drugs (which he doesn't do around them), then I can go back to court and take them away. But at this time, I don't have any proof. He is seeking counseling for his drug problem and the counselor has told me he has quit. I don't know if I truly believe it, but I have to have faith for my kids.
Thanks for all of you reaching out to me. It is so comforting to know that others feel the same way or are going through the same thing.
I came to this board a couple of years ago when I was having troubles with my marriage and there were so many of you that responded and helped me. I thought I'd reach out again and get the support I needed at this stage in my life and again, you never fail me.
Bless you all.