This is what I get for trying to be nice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2005
This is what I get for trying to be nice
4
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 3:15pm

I let STBX come over yesterday while I was not really around and baby was sleeping to box up his CDs and books. I told him I wanted to see everything he took before he left but just trusted he took no more than he said. Since the divorce has been filed, he is not to remove anything that could be considered marital property from the home. Well, he took some DVDs which are not all his, my best glassware, and ALL THE WIRING for the TV/DVD home theater (he unplugged & disconnected everything and took the wiring with him). I don't even watch TV downstairs; just his daughters do, and they will be heartsick when it is cold this weekend and they can't go downstairs and watch a movie like I usually let them. He did this because I will not outright GIVE him the TV which he feels he is entitled to. If he can't have it, he figures no one can. For those of you who don't know, I had a brief affair and that is why my H is so very, very angry. I was very sorry for what I did and realize I made a very bad choice. I wanted to try to repair our marriage but all he wants to do is punish me. Every day he reminds me of what I have done, as if I don't think about it on my own. I am very sorry to those of you whose marriages have ended because you were betrayed. I feel awful for what I have done to my family. At some point, though, I have to stop taking responsibility for who he has become; he is a grown man, not a child, and he is choosing this path of anger instead of one of healing. I am not saying he had any obligation to forgive me, but what he is doing is very destructive to everyone. He needs help and won't admit it. I still love him very much and it is hard for me to see him this way. But I do not believe that I deserve to be terrorized by him. I am not the whore that he says I am. I made a very bad choice and I AM in counseling and on medication for my depression and dealing with my issues and I am confident I will never cause anyone this kind of pain again. Sorry for rambling. I just don't think he needs to still be such a jerk to me when I have done all I can to make amends. He is not paying utilities in the house where his kids live, and who is that punishing? I told him I am not going any further in the divorce process until he can get some help dealing with his anger. I don't know if that had any effect on him or not. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 3:46pm

You don't have to apologize to us, you are having a hard time and have the same right to be here and receive support as someone who was betrayed.

Is there any way to get some new wiring and have a friend hook it all back up? That is the best way to resolve what he has done, is make it okay for the children. Hopefully he will see in time what his doing, but he just isn't ready yet. Let him have his anger, and try to protect yourself. Next time don't let him come in. You can be nice, but you don't have to give him a chance to take advantage. Just have him give you a list and you can pull the stuff together and give it to him at the door.

I had an affair too, and I gave my ex several months to vent. We agreed to divorce in the end of May in 2003, but we were stuck in the house until September when we closed on the sale of our house. It was a horrible summer, but as often as he needed to I just let him say whatever was on his mind. I know that helped him, and I felt I owed that to him. Your STBX needs to get this anger out somehow. Is he in counseling? In the end his anger will hurt him more than it will hurt you, but when you are in the middle of it, you can't really see that. I tried to get my ex to go to counseling and he wouldn't. He knows I went but he wouldn't go. He seems okay now though.




Edited 4/21/2005 3:48 pm ET ET by firstamendment

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 3:49pm

Get a list together of everything that he took that he was not supposed to have by court order. Give it to your attorney to have him/her write a letter to his attorney stating that he is to return these items within X days in the same condition that they were in when he removed them from the premises.

Steph


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take- but by the moments that take our breath away. - Author unknown


The 2004 IDEA, special education law, goes into effect on July 1, 2005. Do you know how and if this will affect your child?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 3:52pm

He needs to get over the anger for you before he can see he is hurting his kids by taking the wiring, not paying utilities and just by being angry with their mom.


It took me a long time to get over my ex's affair. I might still not be over it 100%, but I do get along with him for the best interest of the children. I have to, they see and feel everything that goes on.


I am giving you big hugs. I am sorry you and your kids are going through this.


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 10:36am

In addition to what's already been said..... go and get the basic wire/s to just hook up the TV without the surround sound... so it will at least work... and let him be happy with his nest of wires!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~