This is what I have to deal with (m)
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This is what I have to deal with (m)
| Fri, 04-15-2005 - 5:56pm |
STBX left me with exactly $315 to pay $600 worth of bills and buy groceries, gas, and kids' lunches for my 3 children for the next two weeks. This is what was left after he kept $240 for himself, paid his April and May cell phone bills, and made his March and April payments on his beloved boat. When I asked him why he got to pay all of "his" bills (the utilities are in my name) first he said "because I'm not the one who got caught with my pants down." True, it was my affair that ended the marriage. I was extremely remorseful and quit my job as he asked to work on our marriage. This lasted for two weeks at which point he decided upon a divorce. He is stuck in anger mode now and there is no getting through to him. He accuses me of not wanting to work when I have been sending out resumes every other day. Meanwhile, he missed 3 days of work including a paid holiday for a loss of about $800 (he was "sick; divorce is stressful.") I am so frustrated I could cry. My provisional hearing got moved up from today to teh 26th and I am anxious to hear what the judge has to say about his idea of supporting his children, who I have been letting him see whenever he wants. Please help me calm down!

>>>When I asked him why he got to pay all of "his" bills (the utilities are in my name) first he said "because I'm not the one who got caught with my pants down." <<<
What he's doing is very unfortunate and hopefully he will wise up soon and see that he is hurting his children more than anyone by not working out money with you. If you talk to him, don't tell him what he's done wrong or ask him why he's done what he's done - you know the reasons is because he's trying to hurt you. So take the focus off you. Tell him instead that the children need electricity in their home and lunches for school, and you want to figure out what can be done, as their parents, to make sure their interests are put first (no blame, no anger, just a calm, rational request). Make it about the children and that no matter what you've done to each other, you both have to take care of your children.
>>>...I am anxious to hear what the judge has to say about his idea of supporting his children...<<<
If there is no current order for support, then your STBX is not in violation of anything when it comes to the law, and the judge isn't going to care that much. When you go to court, I would hesistate to let the judge know what he's done wrong (with money) and what you've done right (liberal visitation) - but instead just try and get a fair hearing about what can be done on that day in terms of spousal and child support going forward. The judge has heard it all when it comes to adults hurting each other in divorce, trust me. You don't want him to see bitter parents that can't work together. You want him to see a strong woman, doing her best to find a job but who doesn't have one yet, and who has primary financial responsibility for the children with no income, without hearing blame about who's fault it is that you are in this situation. If your STBX wants to blame you, let him, but don't sink to that level yourself.
If I were you, I'd call the school and tell them the situation you're in. See if they have a free lunch program or even a free milk program. Then look into food stamps, utility and/or any financial benefits you can get until you get on your feet. There is no shame in this, you NEED it to feed your kids and keep the utilties on. Then call all the companies you owe money to and let them know what is going on. They will most likely let you pay off your bills and help you figure out a payment plan. Good luck!
Melanie
I'm going to join in here and reiterate that which Melanie just said. Public assistance is there for those of us who have the need for it! I myself am on public assistance and am doing the best I can to find a job...I have been doing this since November 2004. Jobs are hard to come by but the job market is sure to open up soon and by the time school is out, I plan on working to support my dd's without public assistance. It takes time and patience, but I do believe you will be OK. My stbx left me last Sept. and even though he has been court ordered to pay so much per month for cs and alimony, he has not paid a dime to date. Not to worry though, because in the long run, it will come back to him...
Do you have a support system that you can count on for help until then? Parents, friends, anyone? They are more than willing to help you if you just ask. Don't hesitate to let them know what is going on in your life, OK?
Do NOT sound bitter and lay blame in court...they don't want to see two grown ups who have chosen to have children together act hateful...it is hard for them to distinguish between children and adults when this happens and they will not choose between the two of you. I say this by experience.
School lunches can be reduced or offered for free. There will be some simple paperwork to fill out but you are almost sure to get it. Don't stress about this, even if you have to send box lunches for a few days. It will all work out, I Promise!!!
R~