What I Want..... VENTING

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
What I Want..... VENTING
24
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 1:35pm

I want a normal life.

A life with a h who isn't an alcoholic, who goes to work and supports his family. Kids who worry about normal things, like homework, not why don't we have a family like we used to, a home with a loving family, not one with a roommate sharing expenses.

i am 40 years old. i thought by this point in my life i would be consumed with preparing my older son for college, continuing to grow a nest egg for retirement, and watching my children grow into beautiful, productive members of society WITH THEIR FATHER BY MY SIDE. but no, i am alone, in a house with a roommate and her kids, sharing living expenses so i can survive until my next payday or until my stbx decides to mail the child support check. in the meantime, i have to take stbx to court for his continued intimadation and harrassment. my roommates 16 year old attempted suicide last night (he took 20 benadryls) over a girl, my father is still in the icu, day 9, for alcohol withdrawals, my friends have abandoned me for having an affair, my xap won't talk to me, because my stbx told his w about our a, and i feel like a total failure.

why is life so hard? and will i survive this "winter period" of my life? i need springtime.

ugh

what.

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 2:25am

My STBX isn't that bad but I wish he was right now. It would be easier to get custody. STBX has an arragnement with his boss whereby his boss looks the other way on his hours and he looks the other way on his pay. He has his tracks covered well.

I'd love to just take the kids and start over but he wants the kids 50% of the time (to avoid child support I'm sure given that his history with them is very uninvolved). I'm stuck in a battle to keep him from getting the kids half the time because it's only a matter of time before the drinking comes back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 7:40am

gr8

i was very fortunate in the fact that my stbx refused to show up for court 2 times. the second time, i asked for sole custody and got it. it will cost stbx a lot of money to take me back to court and try to get it reversed.

i am already planning my future without him. my first goal is to have ds graduate in 3 years, hopefully finish my bs degree, and then move west with my dd. the east coast is starting to get to me, the traffic, the humidity, living outside washington dc the thought of terrorism is always in the back of mind.

so i am thinking AZ. nice weather, golf courses, etc....

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 9:12am

thanks wut2do.

i am trying my best.

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 5:48am

I couldn't be that lucky to have him not show up. I don't know what his motive for 50/50 custody is but it's not the best interest of the children.

He's been an absentee dad while living with them for years. Now 50/50 is what he DESERVES. It's either to spite me, because he just doesn't like being alone and the kids are to be his company or to avoid child support. Since everyone he talked to about leaving me before he left brings up that he talked on and on about money, I'll go with the latter. Anyone can look and see that the only things he's done for/with his kids are what he had to because I was ar work or taking a class or something. But now he should get 50/50. UGH.

Sunday visitation would be more honest. That's about the interaction he's had with the kids all along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 10:12am

when stbx and i first separated, he didn't want to spend anytime with the kids. he said
"i won't be your doormat so you can go out wh*ring around". what a jerk.
his kids wanted to see him, missed him terribly. his behavior has worked out well for my ds (age 15). he hasn't been to see his dad in a month, nor does he want to go. ds also gets very upset if there is beer in the house, as his father drank nonstop all day every day.

ds even went as far to throw out a 6 pack that belonged to a friend who came by to help us hang pictures and things. he didn't want to see it in the house. (it was the same brand that his dad used to drink)

its terrible what divorce can do to a kid, however, in my situation, it was the right choice. living with an alcoholic was eating ds up inside. i know this as i grew up in alcoholic household. my father is still inthe hospital (its been 15 days) 13 of which were spent in ICU for DT's and withdrawal following knee replacement surgery. very sad to watch your father go through this (especially at age 73)

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Wed, 05-16-2007 - 10:37pm

Unfortunately, living with mine was better than divorce. With us together, my kids had one sober parent in the home. STBX is pushing for 50/50 custody so I have to pay him child support. That will mean they do not have a sober parent 50% of the time. While he does seem to have cleaned himself up, it's without any kind of admission he has a problem or that it harmed anyone else. My fear is this is just temporary until he gets what he wants and then the problem that so quickly disappeared just comes back.

My gut feeling is if I were not making his drinking an issue in the divorce, he'd still be drinking daily and to excess. He's just on good behavior because he has to be for the custody battle. I just hope the court can see that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 8:22am

I completely understand where you're coming from. While the best predictor of future behavior IS past behavior, people do step up.

Read "Breaking Apart: A Memoir of A Divorce" by Wendy Swallow. She assumed that she'd get full custody of the kids, but her XH fought for 50/50, won, and worked hard to parent their boys.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 1:35pm
STBX will work hard until he gets what he wants and then crawl back into a bottle and there will be nothing I can do to help my girls. His mother's promise of a blank check to bankrupt me will see to it he gets what he wants.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 4:34pm

isn't it sad that we all stand there on our wedding day professing our undying love for each other? i am beginning to think that it is not normal to spend your entire life with one person.

who invented marriage anyway?

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 6:20pm

I agree. Marriage licenses should expire like driver's licenses, lol.

In truth, we all change over time. When stbx and I married, he was 31 but I was only 19. I grew up. He was already as grown up as he was going to get.

Honestly, I made a STUPID mistake 14 years ago. I wanted to leave stbx but my FIL accused me of using him to get through college so I stayed and called stbx on his promise to have a vas reversal so we could have kids. I, honestly, thought he'd tell me no but he went through with is and since he kept his promise, and to avoid it looking like I'd used him to get through college (which in hind sight was STUPID since he also got his degree in this marriage) I stayed.

I thought having kids would fill the emptiness and it did. Now he wants to take them away half the time and my heart is breaking. I don't care that he left. As my brother said when he found out "you didn't lose much" but the kids are another story.

To make matters worse, I just don't believe in 50/50 splits of kids like he wants. I think kids should have a home. I think when they're asked their address it shouldn't be dependent on the day of the week. Our courts here are into parenting time big time but kids also need time to just hang with friends and not to be made to feel a sleep over is stealing time from a parent.