What I Want..... VENTING

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
What I Want..... VENTING
24
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 1:35pm

I want a normal life.

A life with a h who isn't an alcoholic, who goes to work and supports his family. Kids who worry about normal things, like homework, not why don't we have a family like we used to, a home with a loving family, not one with a roommate sharing expenses.

i am 40 years old. i thought by this point in my life i would be consumed with preparing my older son for college, continuing to grow a nest egg for retirement, and watching my children grow into beautiful, productive members of society WITH THEIR FATHER BY MY SIDE. but no, i am alone, in a house with a roommate and her kids, sharing living expenses so i can survive until my next payday or until my stbx decides to mail the child support check. in the meantime, i have to take stbx to court for his continued intimadation and harrassment. my roommates 16 year old attempted suicide last night (he took 20 benadryls) over a girl, my father is still in the icu, day 9, for alcohol withdrawals, my friends have abandoned me for having an affair, my xap won't talk to me, because my stbx told his w about our a, and i feel like a total failure.

why is life so hard? and will i survive this "winter period" of my life? i need springtime.

ugh

what.

what

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 9:43pm

gr8-

i wanted to share something with you since we were both married to alcoholics. my dad has been a heavy drinker for 50+ years. he had surgery at the beginning of the month to replace his knee. he didn't tell the doctor how much he drank on a daily basis. well, the day after surgery, he went into withdrawal, followed by dt's that required him to be sedated in icu for 11+ days. he was transferred to the behavioral health wing at the hospital for evaluation because he was very confused. turns out he has some irreversible brain damage from all the alcohol. he may never come home again. he may go straight to a nursing home.

my family is devestated. he and my mom will celebrate their 49th wedding anniversary next month. he doesn;t even recognize her. it is so sad. i was driving home last night, (my family lives 3.5 hours away) and stbx called me DRUNK of course. he said to me, where are you? (like its any of his freakin business) when i told him i was driving, he got really upset and started yelling at me saying it doesn't sound like you are in a car, where are you?

i flipped out on him. i started to go off about my dad and how insignificant and small he was to me and always would be from this moment on. he hung up on me. i met him today to collect MY daughter from her weekend with drunk daddy. he didn't even ask me about my dad. i handed him an internet print out of what my dad has and told him to read it, so MY children wouldn't have to go through the pain that i was going through. he just looked at me like i had 10 heads.

anyway, i am rambling. i just wanted to share my story.

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 10:40pm
what, I am so sorry. I know how awful it is to have an alcoholic parent. I'm sure it's even worse now that he's sick, knowing that his self-abuse contributed to his condition. You've been through so much. If you've survived all of this, you can do anything. And through it all, you've been a rock for your children. I know you probably don't always realize this, but you should be proud of yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 5:45am

I have to wonder why we picked men so like the fathers who let us down. You'd think I would have been drawn to men like my step dad who has raised me since I was 3. Nope. I went for the unreliable drinker and spent the last 28 years doing all the things he wouldn't. Well, most of them. I think I quit about 6 years ago just because I couldn't do it all with two kids and a full time job. You'd think we'd look at our fathers and run the other way.

Unfortunately, I'm finding that STBX listens to nothing no matter what expert tells him it. He won't read things I give him. Won't listen to the advice givin in the past in personal counseling and our marriage counseling so good luck with your stbx reading anything you give him.

When I read about all the kids already in visitation situations with drinking parents, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing fighting stbx on his drinking. Right now, I have the kids and have him blowing to prove he's sober to pick them up. He's probably going to get them 50% of the time like he wants in the end given our county treats kids like assets to be evenly divided between the parents in spite of my efforts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 8:01am

justice

thanks for your kind words. you know before i decided to d stbx, i got involved with another man. guess what?? he too is an alcoholic. i think i must have some underlying mission to save the world one alcoholic at a time. i used to have a glass of wine everyday. i haven't had a drink since thursday. i believe i am done with booze.

gr8

its called codependance. your stbx should heed the warnings of professionals. thank god i was there on saturday when the neuropsychiatrist asked my mom how much my dad drank. she was trying to come up with an answer and i put her on the spot in front of everyone. i felt bad doing it, but if they are going to help my dad and understand the severity of the damage, they needed to know. i am very angry with my father, he could have prevented this. now, he's an empty shell. i was raised catholic, and my family is totally dependent on the "power of prayer". i told them, "there ain't no amount of prayer that will restore his brain function." talk about being the bad guy.

if you grew up in an alcoholic household, i would recommend reading "adult children of alcoholics syndrome". good information. keep fighting your husband. break the chain for your children. i was lucky, my stbx didn't show up for court twice, so the judge gave me sole custody. my stbx doesn't believe he has a drinking problem, so i went around him and got the kids. eventually, your children will see that daddy has a problem. and soon, when they are old enough, they can tell the judge where and with who they want to spend their time. my ds (15) hasn't been to see his father. they talk daily, but ds is done with his crap.

hang in there. you are a strong woman.

What




Edited 5/21/2007 8:15 am ET by whatabadidea
what

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