What If......

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
What If......
8
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 2:48pm

STBX is the only man for me? What if he, even in his jobless, drunk state, he's it? Was he my one and only true love? What if he was my soul mate and i tossed him out because he's a drunk and cannot hold a job? What if a warm body in the house is better than no body at all? What if i didn't try hard enough to make it work and now my kids are growing up without a father?

My kids have been in a funk for the past two weeks. DD misses daddy terribly, but daddy is too buy getting drunk to notice, unless it involves getting a dig in at me in front of her. DS doesn't seem to really care if his dad is there at all. Hes focusing more on school and his social life. He says that he can't help his dad, so why worry about it.

Then there is me. i am worried about being a single parent. Can i do it? My ds is 15, its such a pivotal time for him. Am i setting a good example by leaving his father and teaching him about responsibility?? and what about dd, 10? What am i teaching her? Am i going to be alone forever? Face it, i'm 40. my ds will leave in 3.5 years. Off to college or god forbid, a military career. Then it will be DD and I. What will become of us if STBX cannot help support her? I feel like i am on a sinking ship.




Edited 3/13/2007 8:50 pm ET by whatabadidea
what
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 3:03pm

"Then it will be DD and I. What will become of us if STBX cannot help support her?"
If he is still drinking it won't matter if he is with you or not-he still won't be able to support her.
If you show your daughter that it is acceptable to live in the situation you have been living in she will grow up thinking that it is alright for someone to treat her that way also.
This is not what you signed up for. He does not have cancer... he has alcoholism... is it a disease?...yes. Is there a cure?...yes. If you have offered to find him the help he needs and he has refused there is nothing more you can do.
Maybe he was your soulmate. But he is not the same person you married. I know the drunk guy on your couch is not your soulmate.
Hang on girl. You are doing great.
M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 3:15pm

Your kids have a father but he is an alcoholic.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 3:30pm

You are in a dark place right now but it won't last forever. You and your children are going through a difficult transition but you can rebuild. You have taken a brave and important step in creating a safe and healthy life for you and your children. You have already shown how strong you are.

It is easy (believe me I have done it too!) to let yourself become overwhelmed by all of it and feel like you are on a sinking ship.

A warm body who is not a true partner and is even a destructive force on your and your children's lives is not a positive in your lives. In the end, the children will know you did what was best for all of you.

It is natural to feel that this person was the only one for you. You are mourning the end of a relationship. Try to take things slowly, if you can. You can find love again.

Someone suggested a while back making a list of Facts, Fears and Goals. Include some short term achievable goals - as simple as feeding the kids every day this week or scheduling an appointment for DD with the dentist - things you can easily cross off. You will begin to see how you can get through this. I found this exercise to be very helpful.

I am sending you lots of positive thoughts.

I hope that helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 3:53pm

Di and M

I know you are both right. It is so painful when ds has his head on my shoulder sobbing about whatever is wrong. I know he misses his dad, but he tries to be a rock. And when dd is to the point of being physical ill because she is crying so hard because she misses daddy, it just breaks my heart. It makes me feel selfish for trying to give them a better life. There was never a shortage of love in our home, just a shortage of money, patience, and booze.

Quite honestly, I don't miss stbx AT ALL. Seriously. How sad is that? 20 years of marriage. Gone, nothing there, nothing inside me for him, no love or respect. The past 5 years of my life were hell; life with an alcoholic, contributing nothing. Deep down, I know that leaving him was right. But I have all of these feelings, most unresolved. I feel fear, I feel pain, I feel uncertainty, I feel guilt, I feel anger. However, I also feel pride for leaving and I feel so much love for my children.

Its sad really, that i didn't put this much thought into marriage. He asked, I said yes. For this divorce, I have dissected every possible feeling, every possible avenue, every possible outcome of leaving him.

I'm just scared that my children will leave me and i will be alone. I don't want to end up alone.

What

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 4:41pm

What... I have been where you are now.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 8:00pm

di
i had a conversation today at the gas station that went like this. this person works in the same building as me, i see her in passing and i notarized her divorce paperwork, so she's not really a stranger. i know her to see her, but i don't know her name.

woman next to me "oh are you going home?"
me "yes to a glass of wine"
woman "yes i have a glass everynight too, everything in moderation, unlike my ex"
me "Oh thats right, i forgot you were divorced"
woman "yep, he was a drunk, wouldnt' go to work, sat on the couch, drank all day, i paid all the bills, etc.........."

this woman, this person i see everyday in passing, was repeating my life to me. it was like, "are you married to my husband??"

i think there are many many people in bad relationships. its so sad that many families are torn apart because of substance abuse.

there is a better world out there for my children and i.

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 10:27am

Oh honey, I have only a moment, but wanted to send you hugs. You have been so strong; you have kept the ship afloat. Your heart is breaking for your kids right now and for your stbx. It is ok!!! But, don't worry about him being the only one ... not likely and even if you don't find another man you think is worthy of you, that is ok, too -- you need to take care of you.

If he heals himself then at least your kids will have their dad back. By then you may not want him back.

Lots of folks are on their own. I was and will be for many more years than I have been married and it will be ok. There are sad/lonely moments, but life is rich and full of other relationships (not necessarily romantic ones), especially with our most precious children. We can live great lives.

And suffer these really really hard passages.

Hugs,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 12:45pm

thanks m.

i hope you are doing well yourself. shoot me an email when you get a chance.

what

what