What if

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
What if
14
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:55am
What if you can't do it? I've been to the lawyer, I know i'll be ok financially now, but what if i just don't have the strength to tell my kids their lives are about to be turned upside down. I'm seriously thinking after being cheated on and lied to for many years of staying. Anyone else just too scared to tell their kids> or just too scared period?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2006
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 7:20am

Yes, absolutely, I was married to an abusive man for 18 years. While I was his target, it was hard, but the minute that he started on the children, I fled from him. It wasn't easy starting all over in another state. But, you have to understand your self-worth. YOU ARE IMPORTANT as a person and as a human being. You deserve to have a happy marriage and your children deserve to have you happy. Because if you are not happy, then they will really see it and the weight of the baggage will effect you terribly whether or not you realize it.

Go talk to a counselor, take the time you need with this. If you have decided that there is no hope of rebuilding and he is not working on whatever issues he has with you then it is up to you to end the marriage. No one said you had to do it today. Get tested for STDs and document whatever you have available about his affairs. Open up your own bank accounts, get your own credit card, prepare everything you can in advance and it will make everything much easier when you do decide when you want to leave. Good luck to you!! Keep us posted on how you are doing.
--Joy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 10:12am
It's not about being prepared for this. I am prepared. When I caught him (in the act) we pretty much said it was over then. I have a feeling he would do anything possible to make it work if I gave him some kind of hope that i'd take him back, i haven't. Meanwhile his life is sprialling out of control. I fell out of love with him long ago. I am so scared to tell my kids. I know they are going to want to be with him 24/7. Scares me to death.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:40pm

If you need strength to tell your children, think of it this way.

Your children learn about marriage and relationships by watching you and your husband. Your example is the basis for how they will live their lives.

Although the short term seems dificult, they need to know that when someone is treated poorly, they hve the right, and the responsibility, to take care of themselves. Being trapped in a bad marriage is something to get fixed, not simply accept.

Do you want your kids to marry someone like their father? Do you want them to treat a spouse the way you have been treated?

And depending on the age of your kids, they already know, to varying degrees, that someone has been, and continues to be, very very wrong.

You can do this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 1:26pm
Hi Summer - yes - I am panicking about telling our two daughters (4&2 - although both have birthdays right after the holidays). My 4 yr old is totally into Prince Charming etc etc right now and I know she will be shattered. My younger daughter will likely take it in stride. I am so worried about them both though that I am literally panicked - I am trying to think of ways we can make this work. Bottom line - I know that he isn't willing to compromise and I, much like you, fell out of love at least one, if not two, years ago. He has been a miserable excuse for a partner. He jumps down my throat when I ask a simple question (on the rare occasions that they would witness this, my girls would ask why daddy uses that voice and I just used to say that he was excited). My H has not cheated but he has treated me like dirt on many occasions and has taken me for granted for years. I know I deserve better (he has actually told me that too!) but I too have been thinking about ways we could make this work so that our childrens lives won't have to be turned upside down. I am very much like you in that financially we will be just fine, it is just the idea of a broken family that really upsets me. H and I have talked about trying to still function as a family for their sake ie. still sharing Christmas morning, both showing up for skating lessons etc. Hopefully if we can swing this, I know it would make things so much easier on our children.... Please feel free to email me to share strategies etc. Right now we plan on telling the kids after the holidays.... (my heart really does feel for you...)
Rose
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 3:07pm

Hi~


Kids are resilient.... and they know more than we think they know.


When I told my kids that we were splitting up, I just told them that mom and dad would be happier with each other if we lived in different houses, and that they'd still get lots of time with both of us (of course, EX and I have to work to make that happen, but it's worth it).


If you're not happy.... you're not being the mom and that want to be... that you deserve to be... and if your marriage is wrecked... it's not being fair to you, or your husband, to stick it out.


I was prepared for the worst with my kids, but I think that I presented it in a reassuring, optimistic way... and they were fine.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 3:13pm

Rose,

I replied to your post below, but wanted to add a "me too" here. I know my dds are going to be devasted. Lots of folks talk about having a more optimistic attitude about how the kids will handle it ... I think alot of folks rationalize about impact on the kids to make themselves feel better about the decision to divorce.

Sometimes, though, divorce is the right thing ... then cooperating as much as possible is the best I guess.

We met with a mediator today. I wasn't happy with her quick interjection of her ideas and opinions as to what was reasonable or right. This was just an intro meeting -- she knows nothing about me or m h or kids ... I was not pleased. I had a lawyer, but she now has cancer so I am hoping to switch to her partner or another lawyer.

Anyway, if d is inevitable then I guess we try our best to act and make decisions that best serve the children.

GL,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 3:42pm
Wow! That is so overly simplified - but I am going to borrow it! I have been researching on how to talk to children about divorce and most of what I have read was very simple (Mom and Dad are having problems and need some time etc.) But your explanation is much more positive and likley easier for them to understand/grasp as opposed to adults working on some ambiguous problem. If you have any more tips, I would love to hear them.
Rose
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:03pm

Well, first of all, no matter what, the kids don't need to know the details.... who, what, why... other than "we can't live in the same house together any more."


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:21pm
Karen you bring such a great voice of reason to this whole scarey process. It is ugly and frightening - and as such our nature as parents is to try and shield our children from it. (Iam guessing this simplified approach works a little more easily with young children vs. older ones but I could be wrong)
I love your caring, positive and honest approach. I was literally panicking about how to explain this to our girls - ultimately I do think we will all be happier living separately. I do not plan on dating for a long long long time (DH will likely jump right into the fire though!)- I don't think the girls will be exposed to any new partners for at least a good number of months anyway. That will likely make it easier on them too. Deep down I know this is right for us - thanks again - I need to save your advice for use in a a couple of weeks.....
Phew.... do you hear me breathing easier....?
Rose
Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:35pm

I'm glad that you are breathing easier.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Pages