What if

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
What if
14
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 4:55am
What if you can't do it? I've been to the lawyer, I know i'll be ok financially now, but what if i just don't have the strength to tell my kids their lives are about to be turned upside down. I'm seriously thinking after being cheated on and lied to for many years of staying. Anyone else just too scared to tell their kids> or just too scared period?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 7:54pm
Thanks for the support you guys. I feel like I have no one around to talk to. They've all kinda just been busy with their own lives. Plus even the though of telling my kids (4 and 6) sends me into hysterical tears. I wish so bad it hadn't gone this far and we could go back to our normal lives. So after christmas I'm thinking we will put the house for sale. What do i tell them about that? Is this when i break it to them, or do I wait until its sold? If I wait, why do I tell them the house is for sale? I can't even believe I have to put my kids through this, its so heartbreaking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:09pm

Hi Summer - I am sending you (((((((((((a great big Canadian bear hug))))))))))))). I know excatly how you feel. I just put my beautiful girls to bed and had a big cry once they were asleep.

It seems to me that you and I are on the exact same schedule. We too will have to put the house up for sale early in the New Year. H was hoping that we could manage with me buying a new house and getting the girls settled in there while we sell this house. That sounds ideal but I doubt we can realistically manage it. Karen mentioned in one of her notes that she let on that they were looking for a new house while they were selling the old one, and then told the kids once their house sold that Mommy and Daddy were each going to buy a house. You could always try that approach.

My H is spending a number of nights at a friends place right now. Since he works many nights, the girls really haven't caught on that anything is out of the ordinary yet. Once January hits though - I know he will want official freedom. We can likely keep it from the kids for a couple of weeks due to his schedule. Our first daughter's birthday is the second week in Jan so I am hoping we can get past that occasion (by at least a week) before we tell them. I really do not want the girls to associate a special occasion with the time their family split up.

Is there any chance your H would be willing to try counselling? Please do not be too hard on yourself. You sound really down and I know what an awful feeling that is. I have found myself feeling lonely and isolated ever since I found out he wanted to split. Have you been to a counsellor yourself? I have found that to be quite helpful - just talking out my concerns with someone who is neutral has helped put a little wind in my sail so to speak. These situations tend to damage our self esteem. At the end of the day you deserve someone who will love you for being you. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved.

Hang in there summer and please write anytime.
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:16pm
Awww Rose thanks for your concern. I am down. I feel so depressed, like to the core of me is just sadness. I can't buy a new house, I'm currently in fulltime school getting my RN degree so I have to live off of the equity of my house for the next 3 1/2 yrs. So the kids will be in some sort of rental condo or apartment, which doubles my sadness. We have such an awesome neighbourhood, its why we bought the house. I can watch my kids walk to school. So many kids. Block parties, everyone gets along. My kids rule the neighbourhood. They feel safe here and its soon coming to an end. So many people sit here and tell me oh it'll be ok u;ll be surprised how your kids react etc. But I am doing this to them. GAWD. We did try counselling, i wasn't in love with him so I wasn't giving my marriage my all. I kind of gave him the rope and he hung himself which was my justification. So now on top of it all I feel its my fault for his infidelities since he knew he wasn't loved anymore. UGH!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
In reply to: summerhot06
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:52pm

Oh Summer - it sounds to me like you are putting all of the blame on yourself and we all know that it takes two to tangle (or is it tango ;). If you weren't in love with him he must have dropped the ball at some point.

My H says he hasn't been happy for a number of years. During that time he has essentially been rude to me and taken me for granted. He has not been a good partner or a dependable companion by any stretch of the imagination. I think I fell out of love first but it doesn't make any of this any easier. This is not the story book ending I had in mind for my family. But I know we both created this situation together. You did not make him sleep with someone else. He could have put his energy into trying to repair the relationship. He is an adult and he is repsonsible for his decisions. He doesn't get off the hook here!

As for your living situation, is there any chance you could find an apartment in your current area? With any kind of luck your kids could remain in the same school. Could you even find a basement apartment in your neighbourhood? I know it is not ideal but maybe it is an option. Congrats on going to school by the way your children will be so proud of you!

I know what you mean when you say you feel sad to your core. I am forcing myself to interact with people and to show a happy face for the sake of my children. It is killing me inside but that is what I have to do to get by. I just try to keep myself busy and our days full (they are in daycare during the week but I try to fill up our weekends - you can't under-estimate the power of a good distraction for all of you!) Hang in there Summer - I am here for you and there is lots of great support on this board.
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs

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