Is what I'm feeling normal?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 09-01-2005 - 2:40pm |
Hi everyone,
I am new to this board but have been reading it for sometime and need some words of wisdom. For the past several years, I have been miserable in my marriage living with a man who was very controlling and verbally and emotionally cruel to me. All my friends and family are happy that I'm finally getting out of this. I have put up with his crap for far too long (20 years).
This past year I emotionally checked out. My H and I fought all summer and he finally filed for divorce at the end of July, I guess to let me go. August was a very ugly month as we lived under the same roof. He threw all my things in the unfinished basement and put a lock on our bedroom door to keep me out. He also froze our credit card so I can no longer use it and he locked away the checks for our joint checking account (I have since opened a new checking account and applied for a new credit card for myself). This has been very demoralizing to me, especially because my two children have witnessed all of this. He has his own attorney, and of course I have hired one to represent me.
I decided to get an apartment where my kids can stay with me part of the time until this divorce is worked out. Today is "Independence Day" for me and I am able to move into my apartment. Why is it then that I feel down and confused? I'm thinking maybe it's because of change. For those of you who are now separated or divorced, did you experience the same emotions? I know this divorce will be for the best in the long run, but I still can't help but feel sadness, fear and relief at the same time. How did you cope? Any suggestions are appreciated. I just need to know that what I'm feeling is normal....
Thanks, B

Even though I've only been seperated for 4wks and totally moved out of the house as well. I will tell you I felt the same way when I was packing, I felt so lost, sometimes I still feel that way. As many of the woman on this board will tell you it's a rollercoaster and it is so true. You feel so many different emotions it is unreal. You would never think a person could deal with these kinds of feelings but we can and we will. I still cry myself to sleep some nights, and some nights I sleep good. It is so different and so lonley, but it will get better as time heals. I've come to the conclusion to just ride it out, and let my emotions do whatever they want, but I will not let it get me down. Remember that, don't let this get you down b/c if you let it, it will, and it is easy to do. My x was so mean to me up until a few days ago, now he wants me to feel sorry for him, and he calls crying, but I don't really feel bad for him at all. Now he knows what he put me through and what comes around goes around. Good luck to you and keep your head up.
Stacy
I think we have probably all felt what you are going through now. I have been physically separated from my husband since February and I still feel lonely and confused sometimes, even despite the fact that at least once a week he reminds me of how cruel he can be. I was only with him for 5 years so I can only imagine that after 20, what you are feeling must be overwhelming at times.
Your husband sounds a lot like mine and I give you credit for getting yourself out of that situation. As time goes on and you realize how happy you can actually be and rediscover yourself, you will know that you made the right decision. Things will get easier.
Good luck.
I'm so glad you've got supportive friends to help you realize your value, in spite of ex's behavior.
I, too, have BTDT with a controlling ex, been locked out of the bedroom, had the finances moved, etc. Good for you for taking back control of your finances. Now that you have an attorney, you will get good instruction as to how to protect yourself from financial sabotage.
Your feelings are entirely normal and to be expected, especially after a long time of verbal abuse. I think you will start to treasure the ability to make your own choices and decisions. I remember a time when I went into the video rental store and realized, Wow, I can choose and watch whatever movie I want without criticism.
Enjoy your new freedom!
Cupcake
B, I understand how you feel. The mix of both sadness and relief can be very confusing.
My STBX and I were together for 12 years, married for almost 8. Even though I know it's for the best, I do cry and think back to the good ol' days. He even started saying he wanted me back, but I am NOT going to fall for it this time. In a way, I feel like it would be easier if he hated me!
Just know you're not alone.
hi and hugs! yes, what you are feeling is normal. what you have been going thru for twenty years - *that* is what is "not normal"!!
I think that there are two issues at play here:
first of all, no matter what happened in your marriage, i think that 20 years ago when you exchanged vows, you did NOT envision divorce. and so, no matter what happened, you kept beleiving/hoping/dreaming that the marriage would be "ok". there is a sadness that is associated to the loss of dreams and hopes, even tho reality was way different.
second, I think that when we are in controlling and abusive relationships - as difficult as it is, we get used to it. and if your stbx is anything like my ex (who is also controlling and abusive) you began to believe what he was saying to you: that you are a nothing, that you are nothing without him, that you will never make it on your own, etc. in a way, you "let" him control things because it was easier than fighting all the time (at least that's how it was with me). you know, i was a single mom before i met him - and while i wasn't doing great financially - hey, i was raising a kid on my own, i was working, i was functioning, i was paying bills, etc. and he made me think that i was a 'nothing' because i did everything ' wrong' (like there is only ONE way to pay bills) and i didn't have any money. and for the seven years i was married to him - i was afraid to leave because 'what if he is right'? never mind that i had done things on my own for so many years. in the end - i did leave, and i am doing ok. not great, but under the financial circumstances of the country i am living in (israel) - i am doing "ok". and he is the one with no friends, even his own cousins are closer to me than they are to him.
how did i cope?
first - i reached out to my friends and family. i talked to people, i stopped keeping things bottled up inside. i was no longer ashamed of having been abused and controlled by him. in the past, while i was trying to keep the marriage alive, i used to lie about my life, painted a rosy picture of 'life with him'. covering his A$$, you know. and i was finally able to be honest - with myself, with my DS, with my friends. i think that once you are able to do that, be honest - then people will feel free about helping you. of course, there will always be those who can't'/won't - but don't waste your energy on them
second - i got professional help. first i read dr phil's book (life strategies?) . and by "read" i mean i really read it, did the work. that was the first step for me. the second step was seeing a therapist and being 'real' and 'honest'. sifting thru what matters and what doesn't. learning to work thru the guilt. etc.
third - i take care of myself. for seven years i put my husband first and only. he was the difficult one, he was the one with all the issues. everything in our lives was about HIM and his comforts and discomforts. i remember when i really "got it" one day: i woke up early, prepared school lunch for my son, prepared breakfast and lunch for my then husband - because he was always on some kind of diet - but i would prepare special foods for him that he asked for and then he wouldn't eat or he would leave it out on the counter all day and so that nobody else could eat, things like that. anyway, i felt "responsible" that if *I* didn't prepare his special food, then he would "have to" go to the mall and get some kind of fast food meal (yeah, stupid, but don't ask me to explain my dysfunctional way of thinking back then!). anyway - so i made everyone else their meals, but i didn't have time or energy left for me - so i would end up buying a bagel or something - something unhealthy. and one day i just said - screw this! this is ridiculous! what about me? in addition to eating healthy foods, i make sure to exercise, meditate, relax. i don't have money to go to a spa - but i can take a nice long bubble bath, complete with good music, a nice glass of wine, a silly magazine. then i can scrub my body with a scrub, give myself a facial, massage my scalp with olive oil and honey. stuff like that.
good luck to you. you will be fine.
Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. And Sk1960 I had the same issue that you had regarding the lunch/special diet situation. I was just trying to be nice by helping him out with his lunches and still got many complaints over the years. I do not miss that part anymore!
It's such a huge adjustment and I am just taking it a day at a time. I still have most of the stuff in the house which he has not yet "released." All in good time I suppose....The apartment does not feel like "home" to me yet, but I need to give it time. My kids seem to like the place I picked and they seem to enjoy coming over to stay with me. All I know is that I am happy that I do not have to go home to him anymore and that is a relief in itself!!!
Bel