What a mess
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What a mess
| Sun, 06-24-2007 - 4:50pm |
I am new here and in need to just vent I guess. I have been married for almost 10 years and have two children, ages 8 and 6. I have been a stay at home mom for 8+ years now, have a very successful husband, a beautiful home and great friends. Sounds great right? Seems that way on the surface. So many of these "great things" work together to make me absolutely miserable.
The successful husband is an emotionally unavailable workaholic that makes great effort to consume ALL his free time with being away from home (working or not). My father died last year and I had to practically twist his arm to go to the funeral, even though he liked my dad very much. I spent 3 weeks out of state to handle my father's affairs with my siblings and when I returned, my husband told me he didn't even miss me. I should have known since he's never really been around for the important times in my life - after I delivered our first child, he went to work and I saw him only when it was time to pick us up from the hospital. I wonder sometimes if his need to work constantly is something I put on him even though his first wife had the same complaints.
I have been looking for work for almost 8 months now, hoping that I can make him feel less responsible to support us alone. I have a college degree + experience and cannot get even a temp agency to call me back. One prospective employer brought the reality home loud and clear when she told me after 8 years of being out of the workforce, they wouldn't even consider me. So I tried to be proactive and started volunteering at our local science museum, which I enjoy very much and hoped would put something recent on my resume. Nothing has come from it yet, but atleast it is something for me to do.
My beautiful home came at a huge cost to my marriage, since once again it seemed to put even more pressure on my husband to work - despite that our mortgage was even lower than before thanks to an inheritence and previous home equity. Since I am home it is my responbility to take care of the family needs obviously, though now my husband works out of town during the week so I take care of literally everything (yard work, housework, errands, etc). I am not really complaining about that - it gives me a strange sense of accomplishment.
Once we moved also my great friends seemed to evaporate. We moved 15 minutes outside of the city and we may as well have moved to Mars. I rarely hear from anyone, even though I attempt to make contact. Once again though, can I complain when everyone has their own lives to manage?
So I came to the realization that I could not hold my marriage together alone. I have been on anti-depressants for a couple years and honestly feel as though now I am using them as a crutch to numb my unhappiness. In order to keep life for my children as smooth as possible, I stay in my home during the week while my husband is working out of town and manage everything as usual. But when he is home I have an apartment I go to, leaving the children to spend weekends with their father. In my state you have to be legally separated for a year before you can divorce. Its horribly lonely there. I am trying desperately to find things to occupy myself and get out of the apartment. As I said, I have tried to make contact with my friends but they don't seem to have time. My children seem to be handling things well so far since really it hasn't been a huge change for them, and I am truly happy for that. But I don't know how to get myself thru the horrible guilt. Shouldn't I be happy with what I have? Despite when I did see my husband, he flat out ignored me and pushed me away. I even suggested marital consuling but he told me there was no reason.
I don't really know what it is that I'm hoping to gain by posting this. I am so unhappy when I am with him, I cannot possibly be wrong in leaving. But how do I start again when I am so incredibly dependent on him? I never thought finding work would be so hard after being home with my children. It makes my feeling of worthlessness even more pronounced.
Wow this is long. I am so sorry. If you've made it this far, congratulations - you have a lot of patience. And thanks.
The successful husband is an emotionally unavailable workaholic that makes great effort to consume ALL his free time with being away from home (working or not). My father died last year and I had to practically twist his arm to go to the funeral, even though he liked my dad very much. I spent 3 weeks out of state to handle my father's affairs with my siblings and when I returned, my husband told me he didn't even miss me. I should have known since he's never really been around for the important times in my life - after I delivered our first child, he went to work and I saw him only when it was time to pick us up from the hospital. I wonder sometimes if his need to work constantly is something I put on him even though his first wife had the same complaints.
I have been looking for work for almost 8 months now, hoping that I can make him feel less responsible to support us alone. I have a college degree + experience and cannot get even a temp agency to call me back. One prospective employer brought the reality home loud and clear when she told me after 8 years of being out of the workforce, they wouldn't even consider me. So I tried to be proactive and started volunteering at our local science museum, which I enjoy very much and hoped would put something recent on my resume. Nothing has come from it yet, but atleast it is something for me to do.
My beautiful home came at a huge cost to my marriage, since once again it seemed to put even more pressure on my husband to work - despite that our mortgage was even lower than before thanks to an inheritence and previous home equity. Since I am home it is my responbility to take care of the family needs obviously, though now my husband works out of town during the week so I take care of literally everything (yard work, housework, errands, etc). I am not really complaining about that - it gives me a strange sense of accomplishment.
Once we moved also my great friends seemed to evaporate. We moved 15 minutes outside of the city and we may as well have moved to Mars. I rarely hear from anyone, even though I attempt to make contact. Once again though, can I complain when everyone has their own lives to manage?
So I came to the realization that I could not hold my marriage together alone. I have been on anti-depressants for a couple years and honestly feel as though now I am using them as a crutch to numb my unhappiness. In order to keep life for my children as smooth as possible, I stay in my home during the week while my husband is working out of town and manage everything as usual. But when he is home I have an apartment I go to, leaving the children to spend weekends with their father. In my state you have to be legally separated for a year before you can divorce. Its horribly lonely there. I am trying desperately to find things to occupy myself and get out of the apartment. As I said, I have tried to make contact with my friends but they don't seem to have time. My children seem to be handling things well so far since really it hasn't been a huge change for them, and I am truly happy for that. But I don't know how to get myself thru the horrible guilt. Shouldn't I be happy with what I have? Despite when I did see my husband, he flat out ignored me and pushed me away. I even suggested marital consuling but he told me there was no reason.
I don't really know what it is that I'm hoping to gain by posting this. I am so unhappy when I am with him, I cannot possibly be wrong in leaving. But how do I start again when I am so incredibly dependent on him? I never thought finding work would be so hard after being home with my children. It makes my feeling of worthlessness even more pronounced.
Wow this is long. I am so sorry. If you've made it this far, congratulations - you have a lot of patience. And thanks.

A good friend of mine volunteered at her son's school, which lead to a good job. Is there any job that you could do from home? I know some insurance companies let people work from home. Friends, I am not trying to read to much into this, but sometimes they stay away cause they know something.
Have you thought about going back to school? It might help you land a job.
It doesn't matter if you live in a mansion or a shack. Love makes it a home.
You are really independent!!! Wow, you run the show while he is away five days a week and emotionally unavailable on the weekends -- that makes you strong. You are well on your way to surviving as a single mom.
It is good that you can afford an apartment.
It is good that you are trying separtion on for size without making it a big deal for your kids. With time and individual counseling, I think you will sort out what is best.
You also sound like a planner (job hunting), so I am sure you know to collect all the information about assets and liabilities and to contact a lawyer just to get the lay of the land.
Are you in VA? VA requires a year separation, too.
I have to dds, age 5 and 6 -- not too diff from you. We told them yesterday that we are divorcing. It is been a difficult 36 hours and will continue to be challenging. We have them with a counselor.
I hope you can make a good decision for you and your children. You sound smart and *independent.*
I am in north central NC, about 1 hour from the VA line. My heart is with you and your children... With hope, we'll come out better on the other side.
Thanks so much for your support! I'm going to keep plugging along....
Not trying to bring you down, but would hate to hear of anyone else go thru this. She was a very nice lady. Luck was not her friend. I still miss her. This was 10 years ago. Her baby went on to medical school. She is doing great. Wants to specialize in cardioligy. To save another Mom.
Thats why I said we never know what is around the next corner. Good for you on going back to school. I wanted to but couldn't afford it. I wanted to go into nursing. Passed all the test, but money was to tight. Wishing you the best.
I think it's good that you are getting out and volunteering. I think that it will help you get a job, make new friends and keep you sane. Have you agreed to get divorced or is this a "trial" separation? Do you think that he is involved with someone else?
I know things are depressing right now but you sound like a strong person with a realistic view and he sounds like a real snore who is completely self-centered.
Good luck with the job search. Oh and get off the anti-depressants.
I have never thought someone else may be in the picture, until he told me two weeks ago that he is going to Maine to whitewater raft with my brothers (!?!?), staying with my mother (WHAT???) and flying to Boston first so he can have dinner with this girl he used to work with. People he used to work with have told me that everyone thought they were involved years ago, but she moved to Boston. She is still not married & has no children of her own. She used to send gifts to my husband & my children but not to me, which at the time raised every red flag in my head - but she was like 700 miles away. He also admitted to me years ago that he had a serious crush on her. I still wasn't phased because he was always home, I knew who he talked to on the phone, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I THOUGHT I knew. So this weekend is his big trip and I've already talked to my mother & brothers so they are aware of all that is happening. I'm wondering if he isn't trying to save face with them by going up there.
Oh and those antidepressants will be toast. :) Thanks!