What is normal?
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| Tue, 01-09-2007 - 9:28am |
This is by far the most difficult thing I've ever gone through. This tops being let go from my job last year.
In my situation, I am the one leaving. H never suspected anything was wrong despite numerous fights, threats of leaving and me wanting counseling. He always refused counseling. For me it became easier to ignore the problems and my unhappiness because fighting with him was extremely emotionally draining. He was emotionally draining in general because he was always unhappy and angry and full of hate for people. It was so hard to live with. Add to that alcoholism. That only made it worse.
This is the third time I told him I was leaving with him. This time I am not going back. No more chances. But he can't comprehend it. He thinks I'm bi-polar or have some other mental disorder affecting my ability to think rationally. He doesn't think he was "that bad" to me because I had chosen not to fight with him about it. Even his family thinks I've lost my mind because I never indicated that I was unhappy. It was just easier to ignore it.
It's been 6 weeks. He still calls me, emails me and begs me to stay. To not break up the family. I feel guilty for hurting him so bad. I get so upset when he calls. I just want him to accept this, but he won't. I HATE to see anyone hurting. No matter how unhappy I was, I never wanted to hurt him. But I can't live with him anymore. He was like living with a bully.
Is it normal to feel this guilt? I will not go back. I refuse. He's had his chances to make things right, but he always reverted back to his old ways after barely trying. I had my issues too. I feel we are too different. I always knew we were not compatible, but looked past it. I can't look past it anymore. I am a happy person. He is a grumpy angry person. Why should I live with someone who drags me down constantly? I don't love him anymore but I do feel guilty about hurting him and it makes doing this extremely difficult. The worst part is he refuses to believe I could have been so unhappy with him. He shows pictures of me smiling. He brings up things we did together as evidence that I was happy. He refuses to believe I was "playing the part" of the happy wife, but really I was miserable with him.
How long does it take for someone to accept that it's over. Do they really ever accept it? It's been only 6 weeks and despite my telling him plain and clear many times I do not want to go to counseling to reconcile, he begs, pleads, plays on my guilt. When all else fails, he threatens me with child custody and refusing to sign divorce papers.
What is normal? Is the guilt normal? How long does it take for people to accept the fact the marriage is over?

Prgrl,
You only mention alcoholism once in your post.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Yup!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
prgrl34,
I agree with what other posters have said - you can't make him feel one way or the other. That's up to him.
If you read many of the posts, you'll see that you are not alone in feeling guilty. So many people post every week about the guilt they feel or how they can't bring themselves to ask for a divorce because they don't want to hurt the other person. The way I see it is you have to recognize what's right for you and do what you need to do. Take care of yourself!
I read somewhere (I don't remember where) that it usually takes about six months for the person who didn't want the divorce to come around and realize that it's really happening and to start to accept it. I don't know if that's true or not or where they got their information. From my personal experience, it has taken my STBX about 11 months to get there. It's tough waiting for them to come around, but you need to stick to your guns.
Good luck to you,
Carole