what sort of support from friends?
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| Wed, 07-18-2007 - 3:28pm |
I'm writing from the "outside" of divorce. My boss just told me that she and her husband (who also works with us) are divorcing after several years of marriage. She made it clear that the decision was his, not hers. It has been an especially hard year for her because she also just completed a course of treatment for cancer. Although we are not especially close, I'd like to do what I can to support my boss in what is obviously a difficult time.
To those of you going through painful divorces, what kinds of gestures have you wanted or appreciated from your friends and acquaintances? Has it been helpful to have acquaintances ask you to go to lunch or dinner? What about little things, like being complimented on a great outfit you're wearing or being thanked very graciously for your help on a project? Are there expressions of support or concern that you have NOT appreciated, or found burdensome?
I'm sorry if this seems like a mundane question. I have a good general sense of how to respond, but I can't put myself in her place, and I don't want to act in the wrong way.

How thoughtful of you to ask these questions! I wish you worked with me. :)
I am only on the second week since my husband told me he no longer loves me romantically. I appreciate the offers my friends and family are making to go to dinner or the movies, but I am just not feeling up to it. Their persistence has been difficult for me, because they keep asking and telling me why I should get out of the house, and I keep having to exert the energy--energy I don't really have right now--to explain why I don't want to go to dinner (because I have no appetite) or to a movie (I'd just be sobbing through the whole thing). So I would shy away from offers such as that this early along in her grieving process.
What has helped are the offers people have made to do anything they can to make my life as smooth as possible right now. One woman, a colleague, offered her ear and shoulder, and her sincere concern and nonjudgmental, unbiased perspective (because she does not know me that well) was very appreciated. Someone today gave me four gerbera daisies and a slice of pie, and it was such a kind gesture. (Flowers are something that perk me up, as long as no one gives me roses or something elaborate that makes me think about the flowers I used to get from my husband!) Maybe a card alone would be nice for you to offer.
I would let it be known that you are there for her, if there is anything you can do to help her cope--any task she's simply not feeling up to, for instance--and beyond that, not bring it up too much on the job. It's going to take her every bit of energy she's got to just get through the day, and as someone who also works with her soon-to-be ex, I can tell you the workplace is no longer what it used to be.
Hope this helps! Good luck.
I think that you've taken the time to ask this question tells what a kind and thoughtful person you are! :o)
In my opinion, just offering your support (in whatever way feels right or appropriate) would be appreciated by your boss. You sound like a genuinely sweet person, so just listen to your heart and I think it will lead you in the right direction! :o)
I am unable ot give legal or medical advice. My opinions are based on my experiences and my personal research.
Hi Missmira,
If she knew you were out here asking this advice, I'm sure she would feel very touched. Having your spouse leave you is devistating, and many people say it's worse than dealing with a spouse dying in a lot of ways. I haven't lost a spouse to death, but my spouse did leave me and I can't imagine it would be a whole lot worse in most ways if he would have died (except for his sons losing their dad forever). It is definetly something that makes you grieve. There are many deaths, many things you have to let go of, when your spouse throws away all of the memories and dreams that you thought you both shared and treasured together.
I don't know what your boss' living situation is, but I am living in "our" house until it sells, am not in my own home town with relatives and long time friends around, have no kids of my own, am almost 45 years old with mostly married-with-children friends, and most of their kids are not all out of the house yet.
I also lost most of our couples friends in the area where I live since we lived and hung around my ex's friends and their wives and I don't have any of my own kids. I do have stepsons that are grown, who are in now in a very awkward situation with their dad having left me, and they are trying to stay as close as they can feel comfortable with - thank God for that - but... they are still very young and have new exciting lives of their own.
That all leaves for a sometimes lonely, scared, overwhelmed, depressed person. The house is up for sale so I am trying to keep up with things, sometimes doing well at it, sometimes not. There's always something that needs to be mowed, trimmed, watered - in the summer, shoveled - in the winter, cleaned or fixed - all the time. I don't mind some of it but this house and yard are too big for just me. I have chronic back pain so can only do so much at a time.
My x mowes the lawn, but has never been much for worrying about maintaining a house or yard in the first place, especially for the last couple years, so even if I ask him for more help, he might do some of it, but the emotional stuff makes it not worth having him around any more than I absolutely have to.
I have reached out to people, went to a 10 week "rebuilding" support group/workshop, go to church, and try to make plans with family and friends, but there is still a lot of alone time, and still alot of responsibilities - until this house sells.
Even as people are trying to help themselves though, it is still so nice, and helps with the healing process, to have people in their lives that want to help.
I would try to find out if your boss might need some help with anything around her house or her yard, or with her car. She may know enough people, or be able to afford to pay people to help her with everything, but don't assume anything. Also, try to find out if she has people to take her to doctor appointments or even just running errands, or shopping, if there are times she is feeling too sick, or isn't supposed to drive herself.
Just figuring out who to call when you need help with certain things around the home, with the car, with insurance, or taking over any other things your spouse may have handled in the past, can be overwhelming when it's suddenly all in your hands, especially on top of all of the emotional stuff that goes with a divorce, and of course physical illness on top of all that too would have to make it even worse.
So, to me, any sincere offerings of tangible help has been what I have appreciated more than anything. I haven't even taken up most of the offers I've had, but just knowing there are people that have offered their help means a lot to me. Of course it is appreciated very much when people express their sadness or concern for you, but the real offers from people that can help when you may need it are very comforting to me.
Find out if she has people to socialize with. If she needs people in her life, you may be able to fill in some of those openings, or you may know of someone else that could.
It's nice having friends offer you their ear and their time as well - just for companionship, whether it's a visit at your own home, an invitation to theirs, out to dinner or a movie is also priceless, especially on the weekends. Weekends and holidays have been the hardest times for me. Even when I have plans, it's still hard coming back home to the empty house on a Sunday or a holiday, after visiting with friends or family. Sometimes just having someone to talk to on the phone on those evenings helps.
Didn't mean to make this so long, but now that it is, I'm hoping a lot of people read it and realize different ways to help anyone out there who is somewhat alone, for any reason.
Take care,
T