What was it like with young children?
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| Sun, 01-14-2007 - 8:13am |
You know, I have spent so much time reading about children and divorce and worrying about what it will be like for my young kids, that I haven't asked you all, who have btdt, what is was *really* like for your young children.
Mine are 4 and 6 and adore their Dad who is home every night for dinner, cuddles them to sleep every night and it there every weekend to "play."
Some of you have shared your story and offered encouragement that they will survive this, but I thought I should specifically ask to hear about what it was like for folks with young kids, especially during the first months/year post separation.
What helped, what didn't? Did you do stuff with Dad or was everything separate? What about holidays that are traditionally *family* times?
Thanks for sharing your story!
M

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I'm new here and would like to know the same. My kids are 3 years old and 6 weeks. We will probably be moving out of state when this is done, but we are just starting now, so 90 days will be here. All my 3yo son's friends have Daddys at home, and the Moms are all stay home Moms. Is it better to let Dad stay in the house (we don't fight but are terribly sad all the time)? How do you explain it to the kids? Anyone move away from Daddy? I guess he'll visit a few times a year? Will DS even remember him? DD won't know who he is at all.
I still can't believe this is happening.
I wish I had a nice pretty picture to paint for you, but in my case the divorce was not a good thing for the children. Sorry. Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Thanks, Brenda.
I am so so sorry to hear how your boys are suffering. Almost all the divorce professionals I have encountered use the glass half full language and don't seem willing to acknowledge the trauma and pain possible until, of course, the kids are already a wreck in depressed, non-functioning, etc.
I am hoping I hear enough encouraging stories, though, so that I can go into our encounters with the child psychologist, etc. with a hopeful frame of mind.
My dd (6) just finished crying in my lap (over her hair style), saying "its too hard; I can't do it," but when asked she doesn't know *what* is too hard. Well, I do! And this is just the beginning; he hasn't even moved out yet; they don't "know" yet ...
I hope things get better for you and your boys and I appreciate your honesty!
Hugs to you!
M
Hi,
I am in a similar situation but also wanted to post my opinion as being a kid growing up with divorced parents. I was 9 and my brother was 12. My brother was glad my dad was gone but I became severely depressed until I was 13. I somehow forgot what my dad was like and my mom was working so many jobs to care for us that she wasn't home a lot. I blamed her and wanted my dad back. My mom made the right decision but our situation was too much for me to handle. I think being 9 is a bad age to go through divorce. You are passed the point of being a baby and not remembering a lot of the times prior to divorce, but you are too young to understand all of the other sacrifices that your mom is making to take care of you. At that age you think everything is going to be the same but one parent is leaving. You don't have the intelligence to think of all of the other affects. Now, my father wasn't a good one. So that is probably why it didn't affect my brother so much. My brother actually is the one who triggered my mom to leave him. She was going to stay with him for us and I guess my bro came downstairs one night and asked her why she was with him. etc. etc. For kids in these age ranges that have two good parents that are just not happy it would probably be much harder for the kids because they don't understand the complexities of a marriage and the relationships between man and woman going beyond parents.
On another note, I am a mom of a 2yr old boy, who is pregnant and due in 2 months. I want a divorce and I think that the younger the kids the better for them down the road. It isn't life altering at young ages because they have no recollection of life before compared to life after. They really just have life after. If both parents stay in their life and do not paint negative pictures of the other parent then I think things can work out well. I often wonder if my happiness should count when it means breaking apart the family. We are lucky if my husband even is home a whole day with us on the weekend. He sees our son about 2 hrs a night and a little on the weekend but he seems to have his priorities somewhere else like his motorcycle and things he wants to do. He thinks a half day on the weekend is spending time with our son. It wasn't always like this but has gradually gotten worse. Plus, I know I am not in love with him for more than just that.
i have been thinking out of the box. More as a parent. We always hear from our parents and we think this for our children. "We just want you to be happy." We hear that and say it to our loved ones and it is true. If my son were in my shoes. I wouldn't want him to spend his whole life unhappy for the sake of the kids if he knew he could provide a good life. etc etc. i don't have any girls so this is actually more relevant to daughters since they more than likely end up as the main parent. I think that everyone deserves to believe they had a happy, satisying life before they pass on. We only have one life to live and if we second guess our intuition where will we end up???
Good post M - I will be reading with great interest!
Rose
It has only been slightly over a month since the actual physical move so we're just in the beginning stages of some confusion. My kids are 2 1/2 and 4. They stay with their dad on weekends and Tuesday nights, so they never go more than 3 days without being with either of us. For the better part, I have been very pleasantly surprised at how well they have been adjusting to the changes. And that is to say that I have seen no difference in their behaviours, even with the move to a new house.
The ony time that is difficult is when my ex comes to pick them up/drop them off. That's the only time he cries and says that he wishes we could be a family that lives in the same house. I know this is because he feels torn about leaving one parent to go with the other when he loves us both and he is not yet old enough to understand the concept of loving someone even in their absence. He is a high spirited kid, so any transition is difficult for him, be it leaving to be with his dad or going to/coming home from school, so a part of this is just personality. I just explain to him that we are a different kind of family, that he will see me/dad in a couple of days and reassure him that we're all going to be fine.
I don't know what the raod ahead holds for us. I am pretty confident that we'll be just fine, but if not I won't hesitate to take whatever actions I can to get the help required for the kids.
Thank you for that response.
Two follow-up questions ...
1) What reading have you done/are doing that has been helpful?
2) Whose idea was the divorce and have you been able to be "amicable?"
I want to keep things as positive as possible for my kids, but my feelings about the divorce and my spouse are anything but. I am having a very hard time, saying "Sure, that'll be great for the kids" with a smile on my face when he makes some of his ideas/plans known.
Thanks for sharing further, if you are willing.
M
A lot depends on what's happening around the house. I would imagine if the parents are fighting a lot, then the kids might not be quite as upset, although they would have plenty of other issues leading up to the divorce.
My son was 8 and my daughter was 5 when my XH and I divorced. Probably it was particularly hard on them because there was no abuse and very little fighting, so they really didn't see it coming. My son (now 9) is still not satisfied with the answer of "we just were not happy together." From his viewpoint, everything seemed fine. How do I just tell him that I didn't want to be married to his dad anymore, or that I wanted to see other men? There's really no way, so I just have to leave it at "we weren't happy together." Maybe some day he'll understand, but not now and I just have to accept that.
I have to think about the alternatives...if it's an abusive relationship or full of fighting, obviously it's more harmful to the kids' perception of marriage if the parents stay together. Is unhappiness worth the price if it means staying together for the kids?
In my case, I realized I had made a mistake and spent a couple of years trying to deny it. I had an affair with a guy I had met, and I made the relationship public only once I left and filed for divorce. If I had stayed married, I think I would have let my self-confidence go and become more unhappy, or I might have crossed the line into infidelity. Neither would have been a good scenario for the kids.
Anyway I think divorce is never really good especially where children are involved, but marriage can sometimes be worse. Sorry about your situation, and I can certainly sympathize. Best of luck to you.
Edited 7/30/2008 2:40 pm ET by marymom67
Hi! I am actually engaged to a man with children. The divorce process is so long and he and I have talked about it in a lot of detail that I was able to see a lot of how the children were affected. It was over 3 years ago when he and his wife separated and aside from the initial devestation that they children experienced upon hearing the news (they were 5, 6 and 9 at the time) the children have done exceptionally well since. The older two really haven't shown much in the way of issues. They both excel in school, there have been no emotional problems, they are adjusting very well. The youngest does still have a hard time dealing with the separation because she doesn't understand it. But it's not affecting her in any other way except for her occassional bouts of tears. It's important to note as well that the oldest two have friends whose parents are divorced so they don't feel so "different." The youngest doesn't know anyone whose parents are divorced and she doesn't like the fact that hers are when no one else's parents are.
Now...here's the reason WHY there are so few problems. The divorce was very amicable and both my fiance and his ex decided early on to always do what was in the best interest of the children (within reason). He currently does all his visitation at their home so there's no travelling back and forth right now to different residences. This, of course, will change when we get married and move closer to them but for right now it has meant minimal disruption in their daily lives. He sees them every day of the week except Mondays and Fridays. He and his ex both go to their sporting events together, their parent-teacher conferences, their concerts, etc. Recently, I have been going to some of these things as well which means all 3 of us are there. It is vitally important for the kids to see that their mother accepts me so that they feel they can love me without betraying her.
It's all around the best situation you could possibly have when it comes to divorce and the children's emotional wellbeing has barely suffered. I know not all divorces can be like that but you should strive to make it as amicable as possible in order to minimize the effect on the kids. The ones who were traumatized by divorce growing up were the ones whose parents severely PAS'd their children (Parental Alienation Syndrome) and who fought bitterly in court over silly nonsense instead of just raising their kids. There needs to be a positive, co-parenting relationship in order to succeed.
Good for you and the parents of these three children.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
M
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