What was your process - Accepting it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
What was your process - Accepting it!
6
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 1:36pm
ACCEPTANCE.
God, im having hell doing that. What were your most successful steps in gaining that with your situation. Please share your methods, rituals, chants anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 2:36pm

Realizing that it WASNT my fault no matter how many times he accused it to be,

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 6:42am

Hi there,

You have no choice but to accept it. Chalk up the first year coming out of a divorce or any bad situation as a growth period. You will go through many emotions and many stages. It is a grieving process of losing what was, whether it was good or bad. Savor each moment because they will make you strong later on. If you are really having a tough time, seek counseling. A good counselor will get you back on track. Be kind to yourself, reach out to friends, make new friends, go for walks, take a mental day off and do nothing.....no one knows you like you. Slowly you will climb that mountain and peak over to the other side....a much wiser, happier person. Yeah, you will always have those days that you want to make it like was, but it's like wishing you were a child again. You can't go back, but you have the opportunity to truly enjoy what you have now! You won't ever be able to go back to today again either.

Hang in there,

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 8:39am

I'm not sure you'll like my answer.

For me, the main thing was time. It took me a lot of time before I finally accepted the fact that my marriage was not the place I should be, that STBXH was always going to blow off my concerns no matter how many times I told him things needed to change, and that it just wasn't going to get better. Most of this (very gradual) acceptance took place during my marriage and only in my own thought processes, so it came as a shock to a lot of people when I finally left. I had done a great job of putting on a "good marriage" face, also, and only the most perceptive people had noticed that anything was amiss.

The other thing that went a long way toward acceptance was actually DOING all of it. Not just packing and leaving, although that was part of it. It was each step. It was leaving. It was filing. It was finding a job. Dating again. Taking care of what needed to be done without his help. Building a relationship is a long process, and so is dissolving one. That's not just because of the legal aspect of it, either. It's amazing how the heart and emotions will adapt to the physical, outward reality of a situation.

I hope you have supportive people around you. That's a big factor, too.

You'll make it.

- Mija

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 9:26am

I think that i gained my acceptance LONG b4 my marriage ended. I was only staying b/c i kept thinking he MIGHT change. He MIGHT stop drinking. He MIGHT stop being abusive. He MIGHT stop calling me names. He MIGHT become a responsible father & husband. He MIGHT start working full time & not keep losing or giving up jobs. He MIGHT contribute financially. He MIGHT help me more around the house. He MIGHT "see the light". Then i realized .... i was SO done waiting ... & waiting ... for what MIGHT happen, & what in reality, was NEVER going to happen - at least not while married to me while i took care of him.


Along the way i gained that acceptance mostly little by little, b/c i knew that I deserved SO much more. I deserved respect & equality & to not live every single day at the mercy of his moods. God i HATED that. You never knew what you were waking up to, or what you were walking in to.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 2:27pm

I don't know that I have totally accepted my situation, but I do know that it has gotten easier as the months have gone by. It will be a year in July when I noticed there were big problems and a year since he met OW. During that time, I have spent many hours in therapy: couples and individual. I have spent more hours than I care to admit thinking about how to get back at STBX and OW. I finally just had to stop. Like I said, I don't know if it is acceptance or just exhaustion. I couldn't handle the way I was and how tired all the thinking and rethinking was making me. I think everyone has their own breaking point. Once you find it, you may not totally accept the situation, but you will be able to start moving forward. After my day of "acceptance" I have stopped spending countless hours wondering why I wasn't good enough. I haven't stopped thinking about it, but I can count the hours on one hand and for me that is a huge improvement.

On a strange side note, I really don't like Cher all that much, but over the last few months it seems like every time I turn on the radio I hear "Do You Believe in Life After Love" blaring at me. At first, I just turned off the radio or changed the station. Now, I can honestly say, the song comes on every time I am thinking about how sad or angry I am and I think it is reminding me that there is more out there for me. There will be love for me somewhere. I went and bought the CD and I listen to the song when it doesn't mysteriously come on the radio. Maybe that is my own little ritual.

neverdull

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 5:48pm
Books!.... mostly by Iyanla Vanzant.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~