what will end this nightmare?
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what will end this nightmare?
| Fri, 10-20-2006 - 6:43am |
DDay of his A was last Halloween. He's been back and forth three times. Finally asked him to leave in June because he wasn't making an effort and still involved with OW. Ok, I truly was fine before I took him back the third time ( April )...but now I am getting physically and emotionally upset constantly. I have filed for divorce and can not wait till all this is over. I do not want him back under any circumstances, everything has been sucked out of me except the anger and sadness as to what happened to my family and the consistant and continuing lies and betrayal Everytime I feel as though I'm on an even keel, something happens to put a wrench in my life. He was forced to sell his office building 2 1/2 mos. ago and it was pitiful to see what remained after all the back taxes and debts incurred. We were able at the 11th hour to keep our home from foreclosure at the same time. Three days ago I e-mailed him that I couldn't see him because it was disturbing..he askes me out all the time, is constantly here till he moved away two months ago etc )Talk about coincidences, the next day I found out the the OW is back and has been living and working with him. I can not tell my adults daughters this, or anything, because they are at a point where they can't take another disappointment ( he has taken money from them, used credit cards in their name, and has destroyed their credit as well as mine, the OW was his secretary and has aided and abetted him on his financial indiscretions) but I believe my eldest daughter knows and that is killing me slowly. I'm in IC and on meds, have a fabulous support system, but I cannot get him or her or the situation out of my mind. 24/7 no matter how much I am active or work on motivational techniques. My health is failing rapidly dispite all efforts, Please let me know about the light at the end, how long it took, what helped...because this is worse than cancer. I have never been one to lay down and die, I've always been strong, but I do not recognize myself. It's been a year..and I'm not healed. I need to hear from those who have gone through this, no one in my support group has. Thanks. C

You sound so fragile, I certainly hope you are getting a lot of good quality counselling. The only thing I can really say (and it may not be what you want to hear) is that this is a choice that you are making. You choose to think the thoughts; you choose to let them affect you; if you are ailing physically, it is a choice to not care for yourself.
You need to find your own power, your dreams. Victor Frankl (if you haven't read Man's Search for Meaning, this would be the time to do so) showed so many years ago how a sense of purpose, a goal, finding meaning in your life for yourself will carry you through the worst atrocities that life can bring. Search your soul for a purpose that has nothing to do with the ex, the OW, or your marriage. Look inside of you.
I wish you peace and health.
Thank you for your frank reply. And yes, I have my fragile moments, too frequently for my liking. As far as my health is concerned, I am doing everything in my power to help myself physically, including eating well, sleeping, meds, exercise, faithful doc. appts. etc. But I can not seem to stop the "committee" from entering my head. I am meditating ( just bought a dvd on Tai Chi to try a different approach), I volunteeer at the Senior Citizen Group at the Y and teach Desk Top Publishing, am working on my art projects, reorganizing my house, cleaning up my massive yard, and getting out and about daily...I read fiction and go onto Motivational sites before bedtime in order to have positive thoughts, but still the negatives and pain pop back. Even prayer and visualization aren't helping. I've used all the tools in my arsenal, that's why I wrote this morning, for some advice or methods that have worked for others. I am familiar with Frankl's work but have not read him. I shy away from anything that smacks of the Holocost and man's inhumanity to man. But have read countless other inspiring books, especially Broken Open and In the Meantime. I've downloaded e-books on life choices, how to find and achieve your passions, etc. till my PayPal acct. almost dried up. The only thing that does seem to have an effect is the various concepts and work sheets I found on the coping.org site.
In counceling I became aware that most of this head trip is due to the fact that I haven't had the oportunity for closure face to face with him and also how to deal with a narcissistic, passive/agressive personality. It's the constant dialoque that I need to say that runs through my mind. Although I've written and sent him so much insightful material and have bared my soul, he refuses to read and/or reply, just like never addressing any problems in the marriage or with the kids. So all of that is moot. I have been journaling to vent but it's still like I'm talking to myself. Thank God, so far, I haven't answered me!!!! ( but then, that may be the answer...lol ) and then I stopped doing anything helpful for him and began concentrating just on fixing me. I do not want to depend on meeting someone new to fill the vaccum, I want it to come from within. I want my daughters to get back the loving relationship they had with each other and I want to be with them without walking on broken eggs too. I'm aware that I can only control myself but it rips me apart to see such pain and distrust. And I want an amicable divorce ( because we had an amicable marriage, but his deceit is provoking me into taking him to Domestic Court for support.) All the proactive decisions I made were not of my choosing, but had to be done for financial and health reasons, not out of spite. I just want to hear from someone who has made "it" and how, and how long did it take.
hi there. I am sorry you are feeling so bad. i remember feeling that way (even tho the divorce was my initiative, it was a very very difficult time for me). what helped me - was learnign to be honest with myself, and going thru therapy. i mean real therapy - not *just* support groups, self help books, motiviational exercises. I mean - those things HELP, but in my opinion, they are not "enough". the progress that i made was due to therapy. i think that by the time i got to the therapist, i was already quite advanced, but i "needed" that extra help that she was able to give me.
when you say "meds" - what kind of meds are we talking about? i am no doctor, but i think that there are times in people's lives that they need extra help - its possibe that an anti anxiety pill would help you for a while.
you are doing everything you should be doing - keep it up. you are right - you can't "fix" anyone else. i was like you for the longest time - i was always trying to fix others, smooth things over. and i finally realized that what i needed to do was work on ME. and i did.
hang in there.
Hello there--
I too, am recovering from a 20 year marriage to a passive-aggressive (mine's also an alcoholic) nitwit. I filed in June 2005, and the divorce will be final at the end of November. Personally, it wasn't painful for me to see the marriage dissolve; I didn't love him anymore. It's been harder to reclaim my emotional assertiveness, because for 20 years I was told that everything that went wrong with his and my life was MY fault.
It sounds like you've got yourself on the right path. I recently found the book "Emtional Vampires" by Dr. Albert J. Bernstein. It's been terrific for dealing with passive-aggressive persons. Every DAY it gets easier to deal with my X. The more I'm away from him, the more I'm getting back to my old self.
Another helpful thing for me is a cd called "Anxiety Relief" by Martin Rossman. It's guided relaxation. I've suffered from chronic fatigue and other health issues.. the running dialog in my head (of which you spoke of) is such a killer. The cd has helped to teach me how to turn off that dialog, or to at least re-train my inner dialog to more positive chatter. Part of the method IS to talk with yourself... to learn why you're holding onto things, and to figure out how to resolve them.
It surprises me constantly how much I'm growing every day, and don't realize it until I've looked back to 3, 6, 12 months ago, and where I am now. I don't think there's any set length of time for healing... the phrase "time heals all" is not true. It's what you DO in that time that makes all the difference.
Your X will probably never give you feedback for what you've sent him. It's just the nature of the passive-aggressive. Dr. Bernstein's book goes into this-- how the passive-aggressive/histrionic personality has ZERO insight into what makes them tick, and how it makes the rest of us "crazy".
Keep the faith. You don't need validation from your X. You're doing a great job.
Oh, before I forget, I found that acupuncture was a TREMENDOUS help with the stress. It sort of re-set my anxiety levels back to normal, and the release afterward was incredible. My acupuncturist also does ear acupuncture, and she found places on my ears that I didn't even KNOW hurt. These places corresponded to places on my body that were over-stressed, like my adrenal glands, chest/heart, etc. When those places were released, the differnce was like night and day. Same thing with getting a massage. We all carry stress and emotions in our bodies and our muscles remember the stress. Getting a massage will help rid you of the stress carried in your muscles, and will rid your body of toxins as well. This is really a HUGE part of healing your total self-- the mind AND the body.
Take care
Edited 10/20/2006 6:56 pm ET by susieyippin
It does take a few sessions of acupuncture to see/feel results... but it is SO worth it!
That is so true about the double speak... My X doesn't even realize he does it! We were working with counselors for our DS this past spring, and they noticed how he contradicts himself frequently... how he tries to weasel out of things... his excuses... lemme tell you, it is so LIBERATING to be able to notice how X operates-- once I became aware of how MUCH X uses passive-aggressive methods. It's so easy to put into practice methods of counteracting the passive-aggression, and it feels AWESOME to not be sucked into his drama all the time. It's unbelievable how much energy they suck out of you!
The self esteem is there, dormant, waiting to come out. Just remember to not be too hard on yourself, you'll get through this. The best part is realizing that you're NOT crazy! Passive-aggression is considered a personality disorder, so I guess THEY'RE the pot calling the kettle black. ;-)
C,
My heart is breaking as I read this. The first thing I want you to remember is that your girls need you - they only have one mother. When you leave this earth, that's it. I buried my mother 2 years ago and I'm well into my 30's. But guess what? I think about her each and every day and what I wouldn't do to have her here with me just one more day. Imagine what your girls will go through if something happens to you. This mess will be even more difficult for them to deal with but they will make it and heal as long as they have you. I'm so so sorry that this has happened but you can't give up. I'm glad you have a good support system but there are certain things that only YOU can do. No one can make you get up and take care of yourself. It has to come from within. Keep praying and trusting God and take it one day at a time. I know you probably don't want to hear that but its true. As difficult as it is, you will be fine but its going to take time. I'm not going to curse online but I have a few choice words for your ex. But I'll just say this about him: every dog will have his day and a good one will have 2!!!! There is no good going to come to him because you reap what you sow. You can not go around in life and mistreat your wife and children and think that any good will come to you. And that OW - well, she'll get hers too. As hard as it is, try to focus on one day at a time so that you don't feel so overwhelmed. If you can just focus on making it through the day, you will probably feel less stress. And whatever you do, always remember that you are entitled to feel however you need to feel about the whole situation. Have you considered bringing charges against him for messing up your daughters credit? Keep talking about it, crying, screaming, whatever it is you need to heal. You and your family are in my prayers and please feel free to email me anytime you need to talk.
well Cee, yes, people do make it. it takes time, and somtimes you REALLY need to use meds and i truly truly beleive that 'real' therapy, one-on-one, really helps too, and then you just have to reach down, deep deep down, and force yourself up and out. (of course, it helps if you are on the therapy/and/or/meds route).
i will give you a very brief synopsis of *my* life:
got married verrrry young to a guy i was totally in 'lust' with, though i thought it was 'true love'. due to religious /social norms, it was just not 'done' - to have premarital sex in our circles - so we 'had to' get married. too young, too stupid, too inexperienced. had a child, and when he was 3 we got divorced. my son's bio dad basically wrote his son off, was in touch with him for a few years and then just disappeared from his life. meanwhile, i worked very hard, just struggled to keep afloat, was totally working in 'survivor' mode, couldn't think beyond getting a level-entry job so i could pay the basic bills. all i wnated to do, at that point, was 'get married'. so i did - married the first guy would was willing to get married. even tho there were a million red flags just slapping me in the face - i ignored them, and got married. it was h*ll on earth, but i kept up appearances, i lied to everyone and myself that things were wonderful, i enabled my ex, etc etc. my son was hurting too, but i was not aware (he learnt from me to bottle up everythng), it was only when my son was in such a bad way that he was talking about suicide that i 'forced' him to a teen clinic and luckily they saw that 'we' (the family) needed family therapy, so my then-husband and i had separate sessions, and my son had his own sessions, and at some point my then husband just stopped going because 'he didn't need it' and i continued on my own. one day my DS and i packed up and simply moved out - my ex was on a 'business trip' so we just left. i had no money, no house, no car. but i knew that for both of our sakes i had to do it.
that was three years ago. since then i have gotten a promotion at work, i went back to school to finish my degree,lost some weight (still got a ways to go), and got my life back on track. haven't found that special someone yet, not really dating, but i will do that when i am ready. still have no money or car. i live in israel where the financial circumstances are just horrible but this is where i am, for now.
so - yes, you can do it, it takes time, but you can do it. don't be afraid to ask for - and get - help. i think that was one of my huge problems - to open up to others, to get help, to admit that i needed help. but you know - we all do. and the help is out there.
hang in there!
Now, the only thing holding me back would be myself...my age and health are on the negative side but my many talents and intelligence far, far outweigh the first two limitations. I'm on the road to healing, but it seems so slow even though I thought I used every trick in the book. My last ditch effort was this am when I called him and asked him to come and take away anything he has left in the house and to chose what he would want from the house. He is a generous person by nature because he needs to always be the good guy, so it won't be a problem tomorrow. He understands why I do not wish to have contact with him at this time and this is also helpful. Being left behind in this house is not as painful because everything that has been done here, I've done it. So, looking around at whatever is here isn't a memory one way or the other. As far as mail etc goes, it'll be forwarded and as of Monday any contact regarding finances and/or the house will be handled by my lawyer. There should not be any reason for contact at all and that will be a great deal of stress gone. So, that's another baby step taken on my road for closure. My major focus is getting him/them out of my head..so I'm heading for a nap,a new book, and an evening of fun with friends and then hopefully go to a corn maze.
Thank you for sharing a part of yourself and please know what a spectacular woman you are.
Ya done good, kid!!!! Cee