What would you do ?
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| Wed, 03-01-2006 - 2:41pm |
I have been a SAHM since the beginning of our marriage(our son was 6mos old when we got married)...My H was very controlling and abusive ,and I couldnt work bc "there are men at work" etc....also I think it was just another control thing bc I had to depend on him....
He always made the money,and I went to school for awhile,times got tight ,and I had to stay out of school for a semester and get a job(of course this didnt work bc of the jealousy thing )I controlled all the money ...paid the bills etc....
NOW ....I have to do something ....would you (A) get a job making minimum wage (trying to support three small kids)and pay over half of the money for child care .....doesnt make much sense to me ....
OR
(B)go to school ...go to work ....and raise three small kids all at the same time ?maybe eat and sleep on the weekends ?LOL
OR take him up on his offer (offered me almost all of his paycheck every week so I could go back to school)of course I only would accept half ....please realize that this offer is not him just being a good person ,its a control thing ....and child support is a pretty good chunk where I am from ,and would nt be that much less than what he is offering
I really feel like a HUGE BUM,,,,letting him do that ....even though I would be a full time student ....do people do this ?I dont know what to do ....I feel like I need to go to work bc its the right thing to do ...BUt I NEED to get to school , for my future and my kids .....

Just a question while Ithink about this.... how can he offer you "almost his whole paycheck" to go back to school and still survive himself?..... and Why would he do this?
I mean, that seems like the best choice to me.... after all, you've "given" to the family, and his "giving back" to you now would not be such a crime... and you shouldn't feel like a "bum" for it.
Also, depending on how long you've been married and the total picture..... you might "qualify" for spousal support as well as child support, which is designed to do exactly what it seems he's offering..... to give you compensation, for the time you spent supporting him and your family while he worked, that will allow you to be able to pull your fair share to support yourself and help support the kids in the future.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
well he is living with his parents (REFUSES to get his own place )so therefore he doesnt have any bills of his own.....I JUST paid 4000.00 cash for his truck that gets him back and forth from work ,that was the last little bit of my savings .
I JUST CANT file for divorce right now bc I am scared to tell him that I want a divorce ....there is NO telling how he would react ....for one he WOULD quit his job....two...he would be beating down my door..trying to harass me ...or calling me all hours of the night telling me that he has a gun in his mouth ....been there done that WAY to many times ....
I am just between a rock and a hard place at the moment ..and trying to do the best thing for my kids....
oh ,you asked WHY he would give me his money ?....simply bc he wants me to be dependant on him ....you see that way ...he still maintains SOME control...still has a say in what I do ...for example"I pay rent there ,I will come there anytime I want "etc...
Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c
I'm sorry, aren't you moving to another state to be with the OM? Is this money to keep you in the state so that you don't move?
I would get the best job a could and go to school part-time. Collect the child support and use that to pay child care.
I came from a controlling abusive relationship and I can't imagine why you would want to give that same person control again.
Sounds like a ploy to keep you from moving the kids 1000 miles away. Just my opinion.
What would you do? I would find my way to the message boards for "Dealing with Domestic Abuse" then sister board "Domestic Abuse: New Beginnings". Back in 1998, married 19 years, found out what domestic abuse was and could never go back to the way I had been living. Took me 5 years to get away and I could never have done it without the help from those two boards. Patricia Evan's wrote two books, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Survivors Speak Out" that opened Pandora's Box for me. Hope this helps and, if needed, get a good lawyer, I didn't, not sure there are any good ones. I had to leave California, moved to Arizona, just to get as far away as possible. Starting over at 59 is really hard but I am not sure if I would be alive today if I hadn't left. Terrible way to have lived my life, don't want anyone else to. Please take care, you are not alone.
Luv, Sherry
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NOT at the moment ....maybe in the future ....but I have WAY to much confusion going on right now to worry about that at the present time ....I was just looking for info on possible custody arrangments IF I decided to do that in the future ....
I agree that the money he has offered me is a ploy to keep me here ,,,and under his control ...I just dont know what to do ...
Even though he tells me its not my fault... I cant help but feel it is in some way ,...he did tell me he needed me to do more, and that he wasnt feeling connected to me because of the distance ...But he really didnt give me a c
You don't take the money. The only money you should take is Child Support and Alimony (if you are determined to be eligible for it)
I hate to be direct but you really need an attorney. Get to court and get the child support and potential alimony worked out. That will help you establish a budget and then you can determine what you can do. Also, have you considered student loans
Bottom line, do not make any deals with him. Get to court have it put in an order and then go from there.
If in the future you want to move then you won't be yet again under his control and at his mercy.
these are not the only two options that exist in the world. there are other options - such as striking out ON YOUR OWN, seeing what government loans/grants for which you may be elgible that are earmarked toward school, housing etc.
if you are going to be able to do ANYTHING with your life - you have to move out from under his thumb. this is a man (and i ue that term lightly lol) who is abusive and will continue to be abusive - in fact, if you do show signs that you want to leave or change things , then he will probably get worse (after a honeymoon period). i have BTDT. i walked out on a very wealthy husbnad with NOTHING. i am struggling financially but i have set goals for myself and i am on the way to achieve them. i went back to school last year - part time, i am working full time, and i took loans and got some grants and tightened the belt a little more because that is what i want to do now for myself. this is where i need to be.
the point is, though, that i couldn't have made it without help - therapy in the initial phase and i also got alot of help from my friends. therapy is where you need to start - also speak to a social worker and lawyer about your rights. start by gathering up the information so that you can make an educated choice.
good luck