What would you do/ am I unreasonable???

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Registered: 03-26-2003
What would you do/ am I unreasonable???
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Sun, 05-21-2006 - 11:19am

Okay, so the kids are going to RI to stay with ex for a month starting 6/17. I am moving out of state the following day and will have our new home all set for them when they're done with their visit with dad. Ex works 3rd shift (3pm-11pm) and I e-mailed him asking who would be watching the kids at night (he'd already told me they'd be at the YMCA daycare during the day). This is a concern of mine because he's not the most responsible of parents (snort). I can honestly imagine him leaving them alone and that scares me. So he e-mails back that he's trying to get his hours switched to first shift, but if he can't he is planning on having his partner watch them in the evening because she (I'm assuming it's a she) will be home then. Uh, this is not okay with me. I have no idea who this person is and the children have never met her. I also didn't know that they were living together and I'm not very comfortable with that either. I am moving cross country to be closer to my BF, but we will not be living together because the children are not ready for that yet. I'm so afraid they'll be turned upside down with this entire situation, but I also don't want to be a real %*$&. I have to honestly say that I'm also seriously concerned about the mental state of anyone who would think that ex is a decent partner/live in boyfriend and that worries me even more. What if she's an alcoholic too? What if she's suicidal and depressed too? What if he met her on Adult Friend Finder (ick)? I have sole legal and physical custody and I know that I can pretty much do what I want in this situation, but I'm walking a fine line between what is good for my kids and what would hurt them. I do not want to pull the plug on this visit, but I will if I have to. I am trying so hard to do what is best for them. Any advice??? Am I being unreasonable?

Melanie

PS I told ex that I needed more information about the partner and have received no response - it's been three days. UGH!

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Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 12:33pm

Oh, MAN! This is a tough situation. You're not being unreasonable, but what to do? I would tend to say let the visit go on as planned. I know that's easier said than done, because I'd be FREAKING OUT. But...if you sense anything that is seriously wrong, pull the plug on the visit and have them come home.


On another note, since you do have sole legal and physical custody, you can make sure your ex remembers this by gently reminding, "Since I have sole legal and physical custody of the kids, it's really important that I find out more about the child care arrangements you have in place for their visit before I let them go...." That may put the bug in his ear that you can, in fact, cancel the visit if necessary. That may be enough to have him be more forthcoming with information.


Mel, I wish I had better advice for you. I

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Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 1:44pm

I would say let the trip go as planned. At some point you are going to have to trust them in their fathers presence and in the presence of his girlfriend, whether you have met her or not, and given the fact that you two live very far away its a pretty good chance that it will be difficult for you to physically meet. Since you can't physically meet her, maybe you should call and speak to her on the phone if you are that concerned with them being alone with her between the hours that they will be out of daycare and your spouse will be working, since he works 3-11. Is he planning on taking ANY time off??? What is the point of them visiting if he's not going to be spending any time with them?

I think if they are excited about visiting you should let them visit, I know its scary, but I think at some point you are going to have to let them visit, he's set up day care for them and he has someone watching them at night while he's working. It's not ideal that you haven't met her yet but he's not being totally irresponsible. I think you should make an effort to maybe speak with her if you are concerned. I wouldn't keep your kids away from a trip to visit I am sure they are excited about going. Sounds like you are communicating through email, I wouldn't...call so it can't be avoided.




Edited 5/21/2006 1:45 pm ET by sniffle_sally
Avatar for eatatmoms
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 2:40pm

I agree that calling and speaking to him and to her is ideal, but he calls the children only sporatically and I don't feel that I can have a conversation with either of them with the children present. He doesn't answer if we call him (he's avoiding me perhaps??) so we only communicate via e-mail. Not ideal at all and he often takes weeks to respond to basic questions I need answered. As for being responsible, he is far from it. He didn't have any childcare arranged until I e-mailed and asked. His original response was, "Need to set it up, will get back to you soon". Then I got the e-mail about the Y daycare and when I asked who was taking care of the children at night he responded a week and a half later with the partner answer. I completely underdstand that they will be around his girlfriend and I accept that, but I don't know anything about her - not even her name. I can get past the fact that I don't know how she could be with him knowing his past (he left his children behind, refused to work for two years, is an engineer, but is working as a factory line worker etc.), but I need to know SOMETHING about her. As for him taking time off of work, I don't know what he has planned. He did take the week off when they visited at Christmas but he doesn't have vacation days and his next child support payment was very very low (and it bounced). I do not want to keep them from visiting, but if I don't hear from him soon with more information I may do just that. To make this situation more complex, my ex was living with his GF a few months ago and DD was VERY upset about it. He then told her that he got his own place and he must have lied to her. She is going to be very unhappy about it.

I have a very dear, wise friend that described my ex perfectly. He said he's so passive it's to the point of being controlling. Nothing could be more true.

Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 3:13pm
Oh Mel - so hard. I dont know. I suppose maybe, is there anyway you coudl INSIST on meeting the gf, if she is going to be caring for your kids- at some point BEFORE the vaca?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 5:36pm

Well, ya know.... some people don't check their e mail but once every week or so.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 04-19-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 6:54pm
I understand. He may not check his email often etc. and so forth, I would be diligent about continuing to call, I would ask to just talk to her on the phone so you feel comfortable with them being with her, not to grill her just so you have a chance to talk to her, I mean its hard to meet someone when you live in seperate states, so you have to improvise the best you can. Call him at work if you have too. You want him to visit with his kids right?? I guess at some point you are going to have to trust him and let them go visit I understand that you are worried, and that he has been irresponsible in the past and that he's behind on cs and that you don't know his girlfriend and he didn't have a job for years etc and so forth. He's got a job now so I guess it is AT LEAST one step in the right direction...so I understand your hesitation. Can you give your children a cell phone so that they can call you whenever, like those new cell phones from verizon that only have 4 phone numbers stored in them and 911 right in the middle we bought one for my grandmother for emergencies. That way you can always call them on it whenever you want and you know they will be right there. A little bit of piece of mind so you can talk to them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 5:31am
Has he ever met E? Does he know ya'll are moving to Texas? I don't think it matters if he cares or not since you have sole legal custody. I can't imagine letting my kids go for a whole month under these circumstances. I wouldn't trust him either. I think he's got until June 1 to make it right or they're not going. That's what I would do. Just curious - why does it matter what DD thinks about dad having a girlfriend? Both of you have SO's right? Neither of your kids really know the new people in your lives.
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 8:49am

Hi prettyvagas!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 9:34am

Perfectly said Karen!

Mel

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 9:50am

bounce me @ wildlucky4me@comcast.net


:-)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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