What would you do/ am I unreasonable???
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| Sun, 05-21-2006 - 11:19am |
Okay, so the kids are going to RI to stay with ex for a month starting 6/17. I am moving out of state the following day and will have our new home all set for them when they're done with their visit with dad. Ex works 3rd shift (3pm-11pm) and I e-mailed him asking who would be watching the kids at night (he'd already told me they'd be at the YMCA daycare during the day). This is a concern of mine because he's not the most responsible of parents (snort). I can honestly imagine him leaving them alone and that scares me. So he e-mails back that he's trying to get his hours switched to first shift, but if he can't he is planning on having his partner watch them in the evening because she (I'm assuming it's a she) will be home then. Uh, this is not okay with me. I have no idea who this person is and the children have never met her. I also didn't know that they were living together and I'm not very comfortable with that either. I am moving cross country to be closer to my BF, but we will not be living together because the children are not ready for that yet. I'm so afraid they'll be turned upside down with this entire situation, but I also don't want to be a real %*$&. I have to honestly say that I'm also seriously concerned about the mental state of anyone who would think that ex is a decent partner/live in boyfriend and that worries me even more. What if she's an alcoholic too? What if she's suicidal and depressed too? What if he met her on Adult Friend Finder (ick)? I have sole legal and physical custody and I know that I can pretty much do what I want in this situation, but I'm walking a fine line between what is good for my kids and what would hurt them. I do not want to pull the plug on this visit, but I will if I have to. I am trying so hard to do what is best for them. Any advice??? Am I being unreasonable?
Melanie
PS I told ex that I needed more information about the partner and have received no response - it's been three days. UGH!

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Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....
I think that she's trying to communicate with him to define what "those circumstances" really are.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Ugh... the plot thickens. I got an email today from him. The entire e-mail says this: My partner is my girlfriend. We live together. She is 38 and has an 8 year old son. It is safe to leave the kids with her. Here is the YMCA info: with the Y address.
Is there any information there? She's trustworthy because she gave birth 8 years ago? Does she have custody of her son? If not, why? What is her name??? I can't believe he thinks that's all the info I need to send my kids there and have her watch them from 3- bedtime. Not to mention that they are going to flip out (I mean flip out) if this boy lives with my ex. He pretty much abandoned them, has spoken to them less than once a week for the past year and seen them twice and he may live with another child. As far as I know, they do not have a home phone and I only have a cell number for my ex which he does not answer when we call (although I never call, my kids do and they often leave messages for him that go unreturned). I'm looking at this in so many ways, so bare with me if I'm rambling. On the one hand she may be looking forward to having my kids around to play with her son. He may be a great companion for them and honestly may become a step brother one day (if this is as serious as it sounds). But let's say she does have custody and she's a good mom. Why oh why isn't she concerned about how my children are going to react to this sitation? Why hasn't she tried to contact me, or the kids to find out about them. Their dad has spent barely more than a week with them for the past year, what can he tell her about them?? As for reaching my children once they are there, I am taking the advice about getting them a cell phone (thank you!!) and I'll just put them on my plan so they can call me and I can call them for free any time we want. I worry so much about them being miserable and me being in Texas and not being able to help them. I worry about my son's peanut allergy and my ex and the other people who live with him eating peanuts around DS. I'm also wondering when he was planning on cluing my kids into this situation? It's not that I feel 100% that this woman is so bad, but I do seriously have a hard time with her judgement if she thinks he's a good mate. As a single mom, if I met a man who left his kids in another state and hardly talked to them or saw them I would RUN! She apparently thinks he's a good boyfriend? Agh, I obviously need to mull this over....
Mel
PS In my divorce agreement there is no visitation time stated. It's up to me. I'm trying to be generous. sigh...
Because my children will be devastated. I honestly also don't want to be the parent that ruins their visit with him, I may just allow him to do that for himself. After sleeping on it (barely...) I'm feeling better about it. Although I know nothing about this woman I also don't know that she's harmful to my kids. I need to remember that most people are kind and good. I do need to get the fundemental info about her and I would like to speak to her, but once that happens, the visit will happen too. I can choose to freak out and be upset, or I can let my ex lay in the bed he made for himself. I need to stop taking responsibility for him and let him do it. Even if the kids' visit is unpleasant, I don't think it's dangerous. I guess I've made my decision.
Melanie
Well, we could guess all day long about her, and let me tell ya... people "fall in love" for all kinds of reasons (right or wroong), and there's no telling what he's told her about the situation.
I, too, tend to feel like the situation isn't "unsafe"....maybe it's not "ideal", but... I think that you'll help prepare them, and getting that phone is a great idea!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hey pretty....
Do you have kids?
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Aye aye aye... okay I got more info. I want to throw up. I'm coming to realize the amount of anger and fury I have about my marriage and I know I'm going to have to deal with it, or it is going to make me physically ill. So, I have her name and her profession (she's a massage therapist) and she does know that my DS has a peanut allergy, she and my ex quit smoking, I have a phone number so I can call her regarding this arrangement so I do feel better about all of this. The part that makes me dizzy and queasy is that she has full custody of her son, which relieves me on the one hand (means perhaps she's a decent mom?) but that also means that my ex has a little boy our son's age living with him whom he's kept secret from our children. I can accept all the BS he's put me through for the 17 years we were together, but I cannot believe that he would allow this to be sprung on our kids when they arrive in three weeks. My heart is absolutely breaking for them and once again he has shown me what a piece of crap he is. He sees this boy every day, but calls his kids less than once a week. Ugh ugh ugh....
I'm going to have to pull it together to call the girlfriend, because while I'm wildly angry at him, she's really done nothing wrong other than trust him. I do need to talk to her, get a "feel" for her and what she's like, and fill her in on my kids.
sigh...
Mel
OK Melanie.... I'm so glad that you got more info and that she is willing to compare notes with you.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
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