What would you make of this

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
What would you make of this
10
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 10:24am

I dont want to be nervous for nothing but I cant help to think that my ex is up to something. As you guys know so far the exchanges have been going rather smoothly. For that Iam very glad but Im wondering what's up his sleeve. This saturday was a makeup day and again the exchange was good, had a little conversation. Shortly after he got him he calls me asking whats wrong with his lip, asking does he have stitches in his mouth. Im like what? Then I told him he bit his lip and it's a scab. He says it looks like stitches and he was gonna pull it off. I said dont b/c then it will bleed. He was still talking about how it looks stitches. He seemed annoyed ofcourse. So I said I think I would know if he got stitches. Then he asks whats on his nose. Is his face clean. He was starting to piss me off but I kept my calm. I told him you know how he rubs his nose from allergies and again it is a scab, dont pull it off, it will fall off on its own. I mean it was a small scab. And as for the one in the mouth, again small, it was the upper lip and you had to be looking in his mouth to even notice it. He says okay and hangs up.

Later that day he called and gave the baby the phone. He didnt talk though. lol. He gets back on the phone and told me he bought him a bike and asked if I thought I could get him one, I told him he has one. So he's talking about how one of the therapist was saying it would be good for him to learn how to peddle to strengthen his legs etc. Fine. He called a couple of more times and even sent me two pictures of the baby on the bike. I was glad to get them but the strange thing is the complete turn around of the attitude. It freaks me out.

Then later came time for the drop off. Again no problems but then he asks me does the baby go to school everyday? I was like what? So I said ofcourse. He like well I dont know because when I visited the school a few weeks ago they said he doesnt attend school regularly. I said what are you talking about? He said Im just telling you what they told me. Now Im thinking this is bulls#%t. But I dont let him know that I ticked off because I think he's up to something, I dont know. Then he like he's going to PA on Wednesday and he wanted to take him. I said he's in school. When I was telling my sister about it when I got back upstairs she found it odd about his comment. But she said well all this week school is closed for the holiday remember. I didnt even realize that at the time.

Now all of a sudden he wants him on a weekday. Am I overreacting?

What is he trying to pull about this he doesnt attend school regularly. I dont see how the school could tell him that, I will be calling them to see what's going on.

What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 11:56am

I hope there is a sign in/ sign out sheet at your child's school (as there is at practically every single licensed run facility).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 12:13pm

He has an attorney who, I am sure, is advising him to at least act like he is willing to parent with you. So he is trying to go the extra mile ie the pictures, phone calls etc. Maybe he knew ahead of time that the school was closed this week and wanted to see if you would use that to deny him a visit, maybe not.

Things are going good and he is seeming to be putting his son first, I would let him have the extra visitation. First it will look good in court, like you are going above and beyond to make sure he has a good relationship with the child. Also dad sees him so little why not let them have that time to bond. He seems to be listening to the Dr's and interested in doing what is recommended and that is a very good thing indeed.

Based on what you have posted here your son sounds like he is sick a lot, could the school have said something like that? How often in the last month has he missed due to being at the Dr or home sick? It could have just been an off hand comment that your ex took wrong.

Remember you guys are in a custody battle so each of you is looking to make mountains out of mole hills. You aren't doing anything that he can make an issue out of in court and neither is he. Just keep taking the high road and things will work out in the long run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 12:16pm

Forgive me about the baby thing. I do actually refer to him as my big boy when I talk to him. When I vent here I just dont think and say "baby".

He gets picked up by bus and dropped off by bus everyday. I just found it odd that he made that statement. Unless ex was lying about it. The last time our son (lol, you know I almost put baby again) was out was last friday when I had to take him to the dr. b/c the day before the school called me to pick him up due to a fever. Prior to that, he was out when I was waiting for them to remove the carpet from his classroom. So that statement alarms me as Im sure knowing ex, he will try to use that against me in court as another "reason" why Im not fit to have him.

Im still considering the whole Wednesday visit but Im just so nervous and I hate to do something nice for him when he has been such a sob and is telling all these lies about me in court. I feel like he may have something up his sleeve. When I offered weekday visits he said no, he's in school. I keep telling myself to think about what's best for our little guy.

What is your take on his statement? Would you be alarmed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 12:39pm

In the last month only once which was last friday. Prior to that he was out a week in mid March and that was because I was waiting for the school to pull up the carpet and put down an alternative covering on the floor. Other than that he's been there and goes there whenever school is open. I mean if he's sick with fever or very bad cold he doesnt go which is natural but thats only if its extreme.

You know when he sent the pics I thought maybe he felt guilty that he didnt take the ones I was trying to give him and so he sent those two to me. I took pics of DS for easter but for reasons you know why Im hesitant in offering any to him but I want to. Its just that he likes to make me look bad in front of other people ya know and I dont do that to him.

I took the initiative of making the phone calls to him for him to talk to DS during time he doesnt have him. But I guarantee you he wont acknowledge that in court. I would consider the extra visit on Wed but again Im leary because what if he lies about it in court like he lied about ME not giving him his makeup visits when he knows full well he got them. Damn, what do you do in a situation about this?

What kills me is he wants to portray himself as being so interested in our son and why I hope it is true and all innocent then why the heck hasnt he got the carpet in his place pulled up yet. I asked him if he did and he said no. So what's up with that?




Edited 4/17/2006 12:53 pm ET by luvred2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 12:51pm

I know this is very hard to deal with, it is very emotional.

His lies about you in court have nothing to do with his relationship with his son. He is the dad and deserves to be a part of the childs life. He acts like a jerk with you BUT you do not get to use his relationship with the child as a punishment for bad behavior. Things are going good, acknowledge that and hope that things will go good in court too. He may be scared and feel overwhelmed by the system and thinks he has to come out on the defensive or he will be walked on. Maybe once he realizes that things are not going to always be against him he will lighten up a bit.

Bottom line, and this was very hard for my DH's ex to get in the beginning, you have a LOOOOOONNNNGGGG road ahead of you with this guy. You can choose to either nit pick and worry and needle every minute he spends with the child or you can recognize he has as much right to love this kid as you do. He has every right to go to the school and ask any question he wants to, he is the dad. He has every right to spend a free day with him. Right now you are calling the shots, you have 80 to 90% of the time with him and your ex has very little. Yes he has behaved badly but again is it your place to deny him time with his child because you are mad about things he did to you, an adult?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 1:13pm

Im not saying his lies are a reason to keep him fromt the baby and Im not keeping him from the baby. Its only Monday, I will make up my mind today about Wed. But when he lies about "my" not giving him access to our son that is something to be concerned about. That is a serious accusation that could get me in a huge load of trouble if the judge believes him. He's using that as a reason for the courts to say I shouldnt have custody of DS because I not willing to let him have him. Otherwise why lie to begin with knowing it didnt happen like that. That is a serious issue and that's why I concerned. Say I let the extra visit happen and I bring it up in court. I know it would look good on me but he lies about it saying it never happen. Then who looks bad. Im all for extra time for the extra bonding. But what's the point if ex will deny it ever happened? Then how am I able to show I willing to go the "extra mile so to speak" that Im cooperating more.

They made this a war from the moment they said I was mentally unstable. And now I should do him a favor? Even in spite of all that I still make the phone calls during his off time, tried to share pics with him and he refused to accept them. I dont withhold our son from him to "punish him" for his bad behavior. I just want to protect DS. It's a very emotional situation as you know. Ive read about how parents will take their child to another state to try to obtain custody there. I know this may sound extreme but Im just venting here. I have concerns. Why hasnt he pulled up the carpet yet from his place. He said it would be up by the last time we were in court, well I asked him saturday if it was up yet and he said no. So he is not innocent. It just feels like he's getting sympathy as if Im hindering him from having time with his son when Im not.

As for him questioning the school, he did not do this on his own. Again I wanted him to talk to the therapists because he always denied him having any problems with his development. I didnt expect that he would take his speaking to the school and try to use whatever info he got against me. I mean Im going to talk to the school about his statement myself to see if maybe he got it wrong. I just have to be careful and make sure a judge doesnt have a reason to even consider wanting to take custody away from me.




Edited 4/17/2006 1:35 pm ET by luvred2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 3:15pm

" Im all for extra time for the extra bonding. But what's the point if ex will deny it ever happened?" The point is the extra bonding time.

Do you guys have e-mail? You could send him an e-mail that says "You asked for extra time with son on such and such date and I am agreeing to that. Plan on picking him up at X and returning by X. If you have any questions or concerns call or e-mail me"

E-mail is such a great way to have "proof" of correspondence etc. You also could call your attorney let him know that you are granting the time but want a letter confirming that sent to ex's attorney so that there cannot be any miscommunication about extra time being offered.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 04-17-2006 - 4:11pm

I didnt think about the email. Thats a good idea. I did talk to him earlier and he said he didnt know for sure, he would let me know tomorrow. So I will send him an email discussing this and ask him to confirm this via email. Lets see if this works. Since he is unsure (big surprise) I dont know if I should try to reach the attorney with this and he isnt even 100% sure yet. This is the problem with him.

I do get the point about the more time together. I just want to be able to have proof that I am cooperating and willing and can refute any more lies he may tell in court.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 7:26am
If you had a 3rd party witness the exchange and note the exchange every time then there would be no way he could deny that the exchange happened correct?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 9:24am
The only problem with that is its hard to always have someone there ya know. I will figure out something. That's if he even still gets him. He can be unreliable at times.