Don't feel that way. You're not stupid, you just still love your husband. I don't know if the sadness ends. I still feel sad. But ... it's gotten easier because I've finally been able to look back on the past few years and have seen things for what they had become that I just apparently was in denial about. And I also realized that he's not coming back so I have to move on (or at least try to).
The other thing that has helped me is that I started seeing a therapist about a month ago and I see her twice a week. Being able to talk things through with her has helped in many ways but mostly I have been able to curb the "need" to talk to him about it all. I think that's another thing that stinks when you've married so long is that he was also my best friend and now that relationship is no longer either.
So, don't be so hard on yourself. I hope everything works out for you and your husband. For now, start thinking about you and your kids and if he wants to be a part of it, make him work for it. He left you. And stop cooking dinner for him -- I'm assuming he's not an idiot and knows how to cook some type of meal. If not, suggest to him that he go out and buy a cookbook:-)
I think it is totally amazing that there is a place like this where people in similar situations can connect and help eachother work through things with the benefit of someone elses experience.
This whole situation does stink, and you are right, I need to take care of myself and the kids and let him fend for himself.
I agree with the others. I am going through the exact same thing, however, my husband said he wants to work on the issues he has with the marriage to decide whether he wants it or not. I am the giver in the relationship and he always got his way most of the time. He told me to go out and get a better paying job that makes more money to help make his dreams come true. Sound right to you??? No. It isn't. It is mentally draining being on the roller coaster. I found out that he signed himself up on facebook for dating and yet calls me when he wants to have sex. Basically, what I am trying to get at here, is I think your husband already has made up his mind. Mine wanted to keep me until he found someone else because he doesn't like being alone, yet he didn't want me.
I started the divorce proceedings and the day he got served, he e-mailed me asking what could be done to save the last 10 years. I fell for it and put the divorce on hold and went on a date with him. I ended up sleeping with him and 2 days later it is back to the same old stuff. The eye opener for me was when I went to a school function for my step son. My STBX arrived and he was fiddling with his right hand and I noticed he had put his wedding band on his right hand and was trying to pull it off to switch it over and it got stuck. This was after telling me he wanted to save us. I asked him about it later and he said he still wasn't sure and would only be if we could resolve the issues that he had with the marriage. I e-mailed him later and told him to not contact me by phone or e-mail anymore.
The good news is, he signed the settlement agreement, so I can move on with my life. I have had so many people tell me that if someone is on a yo yo as to their feelings with you, cut off all contact
As a man, I understand the clinging. I finished a LTR 4 months ago, and while I loved her dearly, she was just playing games it appears. She would vanish for a week or so (We did not live together)not answering the phone, and then would call as if nothing was wrong. She would make it sound like we were fine, and then we would fight over BS, and then she would vanish again. I lived for almost a year on the hope we would figure it out. Now I realize it was just a pipe-dream and, in moving on, rediscovered myself and am enjoying life a lot more. People I work with say I am so much happier and nicer to be around.
Get rid of him and move on to a newer, better guy.
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Don't feel that way. You're not stupid, you just still love your husband. I don't know if the sadness ends. I still feel sad. But ... it's gotten easier because I've finally been able to look back on the past few years and have seen things for what they had become that I just apparently was in denial about. And I also realized that he's not coming back so I have to move on (or at least try to).
The other thing that has helped me is that I started seeing a therapist about a month ago and I see her twice a week. Being able to talk things through with her has helped in many ways but mostly I have been able to curb the "need" to talk to him about it all. I think that's another thing that stinks when you've married so long is that he was also my best friend and now that relationship is no longer either.
So, don't be so hard on yourself. I hope everything works out for you and your husband. For now, start thinking about you and your kids and if he wants to be a part of it, make him work for it. He left you. And stop cooking dinner for him -- I'm assuming he's not an idiot and knows how to cook some type of meal. If not, suggest to him that he go out and buy a cookbook:-)
I think it is totally amazing that there is a place like this where people in similar situations can connect and help eachother work through things with the benefit of someone elses experience.
This whole situation does stink, and you are right, I need to take care of myself and the kids and let him fend for himself.
Hi Lost,
Sorry you are going through this.
I agree with the other posters.
I am overwhelmed that people out there are actually taking time to send me such thoughtful responses.
Hello,
I agree with the others. I am going through the exact same thing, however, my husband said he wants to work on the issues he has with the marriage to decide whether he wants it or not. I am the giver in the relationship and he always got his way most of the time. He told me to go out and get a better paying job that makes more money to help make his dreams come true. Sound right to you??? No. It isn't. It is mentally draining being on the roller coaster. I found out that he signed himself up on facebook for dating and yet calls me when he wants to have sex. Basically, what I am trying to get at here, is I think your husband already has made up his mind. Mine wanted to keep me until he found someone else because he doesn't like being alone, yet he didn't want me.
I started the divorce proceedings and the day he got served, he e-mailed me asking what could be done to save the last 10 years. I fell for it and put the divorce on hold and went on a date with him. I ended up sleeping with him and 2 days later it is back to the same old stuff. The eye opener for me was when I went to a school function for my step son. My STBX arrived and he was fiddling with his right hand and I noticed he had put his wedding band on his right hand and was trying to pull it off to switch it over and it got stuck. This was after telling me he wanted to save us. I asked him about it later and he said he still wasn't sure and would only be if we could resolve the issues that he had with the marriage. I e-mailed him later and told him to not contact me by phone or e-mail anymore.
The good news is, he signed the settlement agreement, so I can move on with my life. I have had so many people tell me that if someone is on a yo yo as to their feelings with you, cut off all contact
As a man, I understand the clinging. I finished a LTR 4 months ago, and while I loved her dearly, she was just playing games it appears. She would vanish for a week or so (We did not live together)not answering the phone, and then would call as if nothing was wrong. She would make it sound like we were fine, and then we would fight over BS, and then she would vanish again. I lived for almost a year on the hope we would figure it out. Now I realize it was just a pipe-dream and, in moving on, rediscovered myself and am enjoying life a lot more. People I work with say I am so much happier and nicer to be around.
Get rid of him and move on to a newer, better guy.
Magic
Update ~ its been a couple of weeks since I first posted about my situation.
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