What is wrong with me?
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| Fri, 07-15-2005 - 4:41pm |
My H had given me every reason to leave. Even after that we went to counseling for 1 month. We then had to move due to his job. I still wanted to work on it through counseling. Yes, he does have to work long hours and there is not a thing he can do about it. Yet I still wanted him to make time. He said he couldn't. Well, we were moved to a horrible area in which I could not get a decent job. So I worked at a diner. There was a big city an hour away but he did not want me to work in my profession so far away. I was unhappy and he knew it. I just needed him to make me a priority but instead he would visit friends during his lunch break. On his 1 day off a week he would go and spend at least 5 hours playing with his buddies. I stopped loving him before we went to counseling (we only went before we moved) because of his repeated unforgivable behavior(no need to go into them). After we moved I just got so fed up and misserable we decided it had to end.
Now I am half a continent away and by far happier. I am staying with family. He is willing to stay married as long as it takes for me to get a job and my own health insurance. (I have been gone for about a week)I am terrified of dating, I have never liked it, I just don't want to do it. To top it off I now miss him and don't want to get divorced. I leaked a little bit of that to him when I called to see how the paper work was doing.
He said, "Do you want me to try to get it done and over with soon?"
I said, "Well, I need the insurance now and when I think about not being Mrs.XYZ I cry."
He said, "We don't have to get divorced. Lets go out of town next month."
I want a magic eraser to come and undo the past in which made me not trust, love or be happy with him. Yet it was his actions that caused me to feel this way. Why do I want to hold on to something that has failed so misserably? Has anyone experienced this? Can you PLEASE give me some insight? I know I made a good decision to leave but what in the world is going on with my mind?
Thanks in advance,
Cheri
P.S. We have no kids, are legally seperated and already have the stuff physically seperated.

"I am terrified of dating... I now miss him and don't want to get divorced.... and when I think about not being Mrs. XYZ I cry."
Now that you are away from the day to day strain of a poor relationship, now that his ignoring you is not in your face, a lot of the "bad" has been lifted from your shoulders. This leaves you free to contemplate an unknown (firghtening) future, and to miss what you thought you had when you first married. You don't want to let go of the dream man who made you a Mrs., loved you and made vows to you.
But that dream man is not your husband. Your husband is the man who did terrible things to you and is now staying away from you every minute of every day. He prefers hanging out at work over spending time with you. There is nothing to go back to. Your sweet fiance is dead, eaten by this cruel man. So sorry, I know how that hurts. But I can guarantee you, YOU WILL LIVE, GROW STRONGER and build a good life.
<<<<>>>> FROM ROSE.
I agree with this statement 100%.
Sometimes we miss and want the past as it was, when we seemed happier and were in "love". We miss the person that our spouse "was" and want all things to go back to "normal".
You don't want the man you described in your post, if you did, you would remain miserable and unhappy forever. You would risk YOUR LIFE and YOUR FUTURE to be with someone who just isn't there anymore. Is that what you want? I don't think so.
We miss the habit of being married. The dream you have should be of a great future and living for YOU instead of for him. Something happened and you were tricked into thinking he was something he isn't. Learn from what happened and move on in a positive way. Get rid of the habit and make new dreams :)
Hugs to you and good luck.
Angelena
Thank ya'll so much. I really needed to "hear" that. I feel to scared to tell any of my close friends or family because of all that has happened if I even mention his name they become enraged. I know leaving was the best thing. I was just getting frustrated with myself for feeling the way I do. It's nice to have an opinion from someone who is on outside looking in. With my mind and emotions right now I don't trust myself at times to analyze such things. Hopefully this is just part of the process of letting go. How long did it take for ya'll to stop missing the ex?
Thanks so much,
Cheri
Cheri, I understand how you feel. I am at the beginning of my divorce journey. When I have my moments of doubt (many times a day), I'm afraid to share it with family and friends...they know how I was treated all of these years, and they probably think I'm nuts to even entertain the thought of staying married!
I will tell you this - when my STBX and I separated the last time, I found a wonderful group of women on a support board. This was about 2.5 years ago. Most of them are now either very happily remarried, engaged, in good relationships, or are happily single. It gives me hope!