What is wrong with me????

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
What is wrong with me????
4
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 9:32am

My ex husband and I split up in September of 2003. I was very unhappy and ended up cheating on him with someone who gave me everything I was missing in my relationship. I was extermely happy when things ended. I filed for divorce and when I saw my ex at the hearing, I changed my mind, only to refile again a week later. All the bad feelings I had when we were married came right back.

It's been almost a year since the divorce was final, but for some reason I can't seem to be able to have a relationship with anyone else. Every time I meet someone I like, I start to miss my ex husband terribly. All I do is compare the new person to him and it drives me nuts. I always end up pushing the new person away. I start to criticize the new person and I end up being really mean to them. All I see is their flaws and think about how much better my ex was in certain aspects of the relationship.

I know I need to get over him and move on. I've met great guys who give me most of the things I've always wanted from a relationship, but I don't know what gets into me and makes me miss my ex.

Has this happened to any of you? If so, how did you take care of it? Am I going absolutely nuts?

HELP!!!

Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 9:39am
What it is that the affair or other guys can "give" you? Do you feel happy and satisfied and fulfilled with your life as it is? It sounds like you have not dealt with the problems in your marriage that led to the affair and the divorce. You know if you were back with your husband, you would not be happy, right? Why not? What were those problems? Do you feel you are idealizing the marriage, focusing on the good things you miss and not the bad things you don't? It also could be that you are just not ready to move on yet, you need time and space to be single a while longer. Have you gone to therapy to explore these issues and figure out what is behind them?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 9:56am

My ex husband cheated on me with someone else. I do not condone infidelity of any sort. I do think that maybe the marriage should have been worked on before you found solice in someone else.


Infidelity only gives you temporary happiness. The "bliss" wears off eventually only to be followed by guilt, sorrow and lots of other feelings that you just can do without. It never solves the initial problems.


I am a firm believer that you have to be happy with you before you can be happy in a relationship. I feel like you have all the regret and guilt that goes along with the affair that you had which is why you just can't move on. You feel unhappy with you and for that you can't be happy with someone else.


I would suggest counceling. Sort out the feelings you have.


Hugs to you,


Angelena



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2003
Fri, 04-08-2005 - 12:19pm
Actually, I went to counseling when I first thought about getting a divorce. This is before my affair. I asked my EH for a divorce and he convinced me to go to counseling together. We did for a whole year. Then, he found out about my affair. We split up and I went back to counseling for about 6 more months. Yes, the guilt for hurting him hunts me every day. He did admit that he had a lot to do with things not working out and for me looking for the attention I needed somewhere else. I don't know what to do. I'm just wondering if I'm ever going to be able to have a "normal" relationship with another guy. My EH and I were together for 8 years and he was the first person I ever fell in love with. When I talk to other people about the relationship it seems like I can only remember the bad stuff, but when I compare him with the person I'm with, only the good seems to surface. I can't stand it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lilypie First Birthday tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Sat, 04-09-2005 - 9:30am

I haven't gotten to the point of even realistically thinking about meeting anyone else (x is still living with me!), much less dating, but I am afraid of what you are going through. I think I'll be right there. Right after X told me he didn't want to be in a relationship any more, all I could see was how wonderful he was and we were. My sister has had to remind me several times that I wasn't always happy with everything like I thought I was.

I hope things work out. Maybe you do need time to yourself right now. Good luck and keep us posted. And know that you are not alone in your feelings.

- Ruth