What is your opinion? Custody issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
What is your opinion? Custody issues
4
Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:20pm

First I'll start with some backstory: I left my husband in the fall of last year. He was both physically and mentally abusive towards me. I'm also pretty sure he was cheating. Our home was explosive, with the littlest things ending in a fight. One such fight was so bad that I locked the children and myself in a room and he ripped the door off the wall, frame and all. Shortly after that I left. #1 mistake, I didn't take my children. When I left, I had no job and no where to live except a friends couch. (my ex claims I had both, but I can offer written proof to dispute that.) I didn't take my kids because I didn't want to rip them from their home & out of their school to take them into my "unknown". (He was NEVER abusive to the kids, and I have never claimed that he has been) I took only my clothes and tolietries. I now live an hour away from the house.

In January there was an altercation between us that ended up with charges being brought against him. The county DA had him served in the first part of June with an arraignment notice. He of course called me and started issuing threats. I went to court and got a restraining order and temporary emergency custody of the kids. We have a hearing soon to decide if that restraining order should remain intact. My biggest worry is the custody of the children. I've filed for divorce, seeking primary custody of the kids. I also filed for temporary custody while the divorce is pending. I know he's gotten himself an attorney, which is a luxury I can't afford, so I've asked the court to make him pay for my attorney to protect mine and the childrens rights. Like I said, I'm VERY worried about custody. I'm afraid of what may happen at that upcoming hearing. His case hasn't been tried regarding the charges brought against him. I know that he waived his arraignment, but I don't know what that means. He had the kids for about 8 months without me living there. Our son has a speech problem and needed to be in speech therapy. My ex didn't take him. Once I had custody, I started making the calls to get him in the school districts speech program. Our son also lacked socialization because my ex left him with the grandparents while he worked. I asked that he be enrolled in a preschool program and I'd pay for half. My ex didn't do it. Now that he's with me, he's in a liscened preschool program. My daughter has some agression issues. She doesn't know how to handle her anger and lashes out at her brother and sister. I've talked to the ex about getting her in to see a counselor, but he didn't do it. I've already scheduled the first appointment. She also needs her glasses replaced, and has for months. I've scheduled that appointment as well. When I went to get the kids after custody was given to me, the house was disgusting. I only got pictures of the bedrooms though. Last week, CPS called me and asked if I had custody of the kids. Apparently they'd been out there to inspect and told him to clean it up. At their revisit their requirements hadn't been met, and they were verifing custody before taking action.
My ex's new job requires that he work out of state a lot. He was leaving the kids with his elderly parents while he was out of town, both of whom are in poor health and could literally drop dead at any given second and are now living with him because of that reason.

Well, now he's walking around telling anybody who'll listen that he's not violent, that I'm a liar, and he's got an attorney that fights for "father's rights" and that he'll get the kids back from me. His reasoning is that since he's got the (community property) house and I live in an apartment with my boyfriend, that he'll get the kids. He only wants the kids to hurt me. He hasn't tried to give any money since I got the kids, but he made sure he gave a present to my mom for the kids. I'm afraid of what he might be able to pull off because he's one of "those" guys. He can put on a show like I've never seen before and pull the wool over anyone's eyes. He says he has recordings of us arguing on the phone, that "proves" I'm a psycho. I know I've yelled and screamed and probably said things I shouldn't have when we've argued, but so has he. I have emails from before the Jan. incident that are mind-blowingly bi-polar. I have more recent voicemail recording and text messages that show the same. I filed harrassment charges against him in May when he wouldn't stop calling my cell phone. Its ugly, no doubt. But I'm only trying to do what's best for the kids. So if you've made it this far, what do you think my chances are?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 10:04am

You need a lawyer. I know you said the money is an issue but if you get in touch with a local women's shelter, they may be able to help you with free legal services in your area. I can't tell you what your chances are. If CPS is already involved and is looking to see that you have the kids, I bet that will go a long way to helping you.

What you and your children are gong through in terrible and your first priorty is making sure their needs are met (and it appears you are doing just that) and your own needs (are you doing that?).

Again, get legal help and come here for support.

Avatar for jinx56
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 10:48am

I agree with the PP. You need to get a lawyer. Call your district attorney's office and find out where the free legal clinic in your area meets. Sometimes it's only once a month, but there will be attorney's there that will help you. Ask them about pro bono work. Most attorneys set a certain amount of hours each month for free work. As being someone that has sat in on my fair share of divorce hearings, (I was a paralegal) CPS, and the pending assault case are going to go a long way. Also, most judges can see through BS, and usually side with the mother unless there is a glaring reason not to, like mental health issues.

Hope this helps...


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 7:12pm
I, too, was in a verbal and mental abuse situation, sometimes turning physical and it was escalating. For the longest time I was afraid to leave because he would threaten that he would get the kids. Get your self an attorney. I was lucky enough to find one pro bono. The first 4 months we were separated I didn't get a dime from the x. And I couldn't afford an attorney. I got an order of protection so he was ordered out of the house. My husband couldn't take care of my kids needs for anything. He tries to act like he is the best father, buying them things they want, not what they need. Thank God, the judge saw through that. It didn't help that the x let the family home go into foreclosure and I was forced to find a different place to live. I have got full physical custody of the kids and he has visitation. I agreed on joint custody as far as decisions regarding the kids, but if we can't agree we have to go into mediation. I don't think you will have any problems getting custody, just keep all documentation. It will help you in court.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 1:22pm

Thanks for your replys. :)

This weekend my mother delivered "gifts" from my X to my kids. $3 worth of hotwheels for my son and a $5 barbie for my DD. The man makes over $1000 a week! I have a meeting to see if I qualify for a pro-bono attorney. I hope so. I already filed for divorce and asked for the max amount of child support, primary custody, the house (so I can sell it before he can do further damage to my credit), and spousal support. I'm hoping that the judge will be able to see thru his charade. I'm completely broke, and starting to worry about how I'm gonna afford food next week. And he's doing this as a way to continue to control me. I can't believe his "attorney" hasn't advised him that he looks like a jerk for not even trying to get money to me. He got gifts to the kids without contacting me.

And for what its worth, my kids aren't acting like they miss him too very much. They talk to him every night, but thats because they "have" too. I have to stand there and prompt their conversations. They are smarter than the seem to be, huh?