When to call it quits?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
When to call it quits?
10
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 9:00am

Is there ever a sign that just says now!! I think I want a divorce and I think that WE need it.

But I feel so scared of the unknown-how am I going to afford the divorce and living on my own? I just get so upset when I think of how it used to be. And then there is our 2 year old daughter.

She is my everything. I know that he loves her but he doesn't treat her the way I think she deserves. I wanted to take her to the park and he didn't so I always end up having to do it myself. I try to give her a good childhood but feel resentful every time dragging out all her things or loading her into the car. I always think she'll ask in the photos where is dad at? And my reply is always going to be-he was at home. He is the military and when people see me out without him they always assume he's deployed or TDY, but my reply is no he's at home. It just really gets old for me. He doesn't treat me the way I deserve either. He just doesn't care to talk to me or act interested in me until he wants something. i.e. sex. Which I have NO interest in because I have no relationship with him anymore and thats what I tell him. Now that we are married he doesn't have to try anymore. We don't go out without our daughter. We don't double date with friends. We just stay home. I'm upstairs scrap booking or something and he's downstairs watching TV.

He is very temperamental and will yell at the smallest things. I had a really stressful day at work and told him about it Friday and then last night he mocked me about it. I was telling him I wish that the little things would change, like when I come home from work for him to just say hey how was your day? But then he said he won't ask that-because he doesn't care. How do you NOT care how someone you "love"-how their day went?

Anyways I just needed to vent and get my feelings out, because I think that this divorce is going to happen but I just don't know when.

-Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 11:54am

Sweet,


It does sound like your husband has quit the marriage. How long has he been acting the way you describe? Has anyone new entered his life in the way of friends, new boss, or new associates? Is he using alcohol or drugs? Has someone important to him died, moved away or ended their relationship?


Some of what you describe sounds like depression to me: isolating himself from activities, refusing to go out and play with his daughter, not socializing, the "I don't care" attitude. What doesn't fit is his taunts about your bad work day. That's just juvenile. It says "I have bigger problems than you do."


So, what is going on in his life? If you can discover that, you may discover why he's sullen and withdrawn and acting like a high school kid.


I'd also strongly encourage you to go see a marriage counselor, even solo. You need help figuring out how to react or not to his behavior. It would also be smart to see a divorce attorney to find out your rights and obligations. If you do decide to end your marriage you need a plan, i.e. how you'll address housing, money, and visitation.


Good luck,


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

Avatar for jenn1018
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 12:30pm

Sarah -

I used to be in your shoes - I know exactly how you feel.

I finally got to the point where I felt like if I had to do everything alone with my daughter, I might as well be alone. My ex was just way too selfish. He didn't feel the need to do anything he didn't want to even if it made others happy.

Once we split he cried up a storm about missing us and wanting to be with us. I just gently reminded him how he never wanted to be with us when we were together and if he just wants to "see" our daugher he can look at a picture.

Atleast now when he sees her - he is active with her because he is forced to. Me being around made it way to easy on him to do nothing. Leaving him was a hard thing to do and it took me 9 years but looking back, I wish I had done it earlier. Now my daughter has an attentive and active father.

Good luck to you - don't live your life lonely and married for too long.

Jen

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 4:08pm
jenn1018.. We share the same stories. My DD now has her father. They travel and do lots of things together. When we were married it was always just me and DD. Sad but true.
Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 5:06pm

I know how you feel. I was with my ex from the time I was 18 until my mid 30s. After we had children, it was the same. He spent very little time with us and when he did go places with us, I always felt stressed, walking on eggshells, hoping we wouldn't make him mad. Once we went to a local festival as a family and he kept disappearing. After we got home and I was angry, he admitted that he was barhopping as I wrangled our little girl, our toddler and our dog in a crowd of people in Chicago! He embarrassed me at family weddings and work Christmas parties by pouting and being rude to people and then insisting we leave, much earlier than anyone else. It was awful to be out with him, yet I longed for him to be part of our family. I hated feeling like a single mom, when we were very much married. Once the decision was made, and believe me, it took YEARS and several seperations - each time with him promising to change and only sticking with it for a short amount of time, I felt so much better! I no longer was responsible for him, his problems, his happiness. After he moved out, I did things that I would have NEVER considered with him because he'd have made it too hard. For example, we lived about an hour from Chicago. I loved bringing the kids into the city to go to the zoo, museums etc. It was easier to take them alone than with him and one day, not only did I bring my kids, but my neighbor's two kids too! It was EASIER than going with just my kids and my now ex!

It was no better at home, he was always in his own little world while we would try to dance around him and keep him happy. The kids couldn't make noise while he played his favorite video games or they would get screamed at, we had to make sure no one woke him when he slept on the couch etc. If I needed him to help pick up a child from school he wouldn't/couldn't ever do it - even when he was unemployed! *I* would have to take time off from my job to do it. It was EXHAUSTING and a lot like having another child.

You are right, you and your little girl DO deserve better. He has checked out of this marriage. You've done nothing wrong. Now is time to begin plan B.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 09-10-2007 - 7:15pm

Sara and all who have replied....I simply can not believe how similiar our stories are. I mean it's absolutely amazing. My husband also yells or becomes agitated at any little thing. I don't call him during the day because I don't know what personality I'm going to get. Some days or even moments he's happy go lucky, wants to play and crack jokes. The next...he's irritated. He will play video games and/or sleep for hours. What brings me here today is his most recent selfish act. I came in from work, the kids wanted a snack, the kitchen was a mess. I'm trying to get situated....he's on the computer. I assumed he was doing work so I hold my tongue. Then the cell phone rings. He tells the guy I'll call you back I'm trying to finish my Fantasy football selections. I was livid. Just to be sure I didn't hear wrong I asked him if I heard correctly. He replied "Yes...I HAVE to do this". I said I could use some help here. He replied "I HAVE to do this NOW...I paid my money". In his shallow mind, he honestly thought I should understand. Like....was he serious!?!?!?! One other example. Earlier this month I sent him a schedule of the days I could pick up the children and the days I'd need him. On one day, my son had karate and my daughter had dance. I told him weeks in advance. He called my that afternoon, ofcourse with an attitude, and was livid because I didn't lay out her ballet pants and I didn't give him exact directions to the karate school. Now this was his first week in karate...I had never been there either. But excuse me...who lays out ballet clothes when I take her and who provided mapquest when I had to find out where to sign him up. If it's not perfectly laid out for him....he's irritated. But guess what....he calls me today at work and announces that tomorrow morning he has to be in Minnesota and has to leave the house by 6:15 am. He's responsible for dropping off the kids and he drops this on me with less than 24 hours. Never asked if I have a morning meeting or whether my schedule can accomodate this. I'm just supposed to figure it out? Here it is he has weeks of notice to prepare for ONE day and he drops this on me and I'm supposed to just figure it out.

Sorry for the long vent....but he is absolutely unbelievable. When he's in a bad mood, I even try to keep the kids away from him because he's always aggravated about something. We walk on eggshells constantly. Like you, we're always alone....out to eat, park, activities...it's always me and my children. I love them so much. How could he be ok with missing out on the lives of people you supposedly love.

Finally, I KNOW that I'm not perfect and I certainly don't pretend to be but his selfishness is simply unbelievable. I mean really....Fantasy-freakin' Football....and he was seriously angry and irritated that I was upset? I thought "Am I being punked...is this candid camera"??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Tue, 09-11-2007 - 11:27am
well i'm glad my husband isn't the only jerk.we will be married 20 yrs tomorrow and i have been a single mom pretty much, he never goes anywhere w/us he doesn't even acknowledge his own 5 sons -except to yell i'm miserable and i just don't know what to do so i can relate to u guys.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2007
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 12:18am
I can relate to what you are going through. I am remarried and my current husband is just like yours. He is distant, not helpful, etc. You're right. You and your daughter deserve more. However, I have learned that MOST men are that way. They treat you great when dating but then act indifferent once married. If he is abusive and/or cheating, then I think divorce is a good choice. But, if that is not happening I would advise you to think long and hard about divorce. Read many books on divorce and talk to others that have gone through it. When you have children, divorce is a devastating thing. You would eventually recover and be fine but your child will never be the same. I have two boys and got divorced 5 years ago. They are now 8 and 10. Our divorce was "friendly" and they get equal time with both parents but they have suffered greatly. Right now I am reading this great book called "Between Two Worlds" I think the author is Elizabeth Marquardt but not sure of the spelling. Divorce is sometimes necessary but you should be informed about what you are getting yourself and your daughter into before making the final decision. Hope this helps. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Wed, 09-12-2007 - 8:19pm

I sympathize w/you - I really do. I'm in a similar situation, however we are separated.


And the thing is I wish there was an answer to this - don't we all, lol.


One thing that I know that I have done is I have went to the library & gotten every book you can think of on marriage. And the

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2007
Sat, 09-15-2007 - 5:25am

Oh my goodness!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Sat, 09-15-2007 - 12:38pm

Mine never had an actual affair, he however did maintain "friendships" w/the opposite sex..did the myspace stuff which I thought was totally juvenile for someone of his age. It's one thing if you do one w/your wife & kids together, but to do one by yourself -yep selfish.


I would probably still be there if it hadn't been for his persistence that we "separate" - only for him to only apologize a wk after we moved out. I didn't have a bad life - and I don't think reconciliation will be completely off the table until we actually divorce - that'll be in June next yr. But if I were to "reconcile" there would have to