When did you get past the anger??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
When did you get past the anger??
29
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 6:17am

I am reading a book called "Live, Laugh, Love Again" about recovering from divorce. It is ok. They talk about the phases of grief etc. and the parallels to divorce.

Here's the thing: I am still in the really angry/hurt stage (with a little denial still hanging around and alot of anticipatory grief for the impact on my 4 yo and 6 yo).

When did you get past the anger?

My timeline: Oct. 15 I mentioned counseling; he mentioned divorce; Dec. 11 in counseling he said he wanted to call it quits. He's been saying he wants to move out Feb. 1, Feb 15 ... the child psych and I convinced to wait til after my 4 yo's 5th bday in mid-March, especially since we have just begun mediation and won't have financials worked out yet.

So, I am still really angry. But, I am supposed to treat him with courtesy and respect. He has been hiding things and lying (I still don't know if there is an ow, but I do know there is some dicey stuff going on)-- and I am supposed to face this with a smile and negotiate "in good faith" when he isn't being honest? Ieeeee!

When/how did you get over it?

Thanks!

M

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 8:18am
Hi M
I am not much help as I havent gotten there. The OW surfaced around the end of November.
STBX wanted to keep us both I said that was not acceptable so he filed for divorce the first part of January. Day before yesterday is the first day I did not freak out or cry at all. then the next day, yesterday I did it good again. yelled, cried, just totally freaked out in pain. I even slapped my stbx. and I never hit people. He will be here a couple more weeks maybe. Just the other day I was still at the point where he could just look at me and I started crying like a blubbering idiot.
Feel ok this am. I dont know what triggers my freak outs. We go sign the D papers on Wed so should be done in a week or so.
So lets see that is 8 weeks and I am still psycho. Feel ok this a.m. but have learned not to count my chickens before they hatch with this roller coaster ride.
others will chime in here soon. I hope I am realising this is going to happen and nothing I can do about it. The stbx and the married woman are on a fast train and they dont care who they run over in the process. I have got to get off the tracks before they run right over me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 9:01am

I relate to the fast train image. My stbx is moving very fast and was moving way before I knew about it. I know *something* or someone triggered the motion because I began noticing changes in habits and behavior about 6 weeks before the D word came up.

And I also relate to the doesn't care who he plows down image -- this man does not care about me, for sure, and not about his children (he pretends to himself and me that he does). His latest thing is to tell me I should be earning more on my investments, so he doesn't have to pay spousal support -- excuse me? I have a top knotch investment advisor ... they are growth stocks, not income stocks. He owes me spousal support because *he is leaving me*, a sahm for the last 6 1/2 years, and it is going to take time to get back into the workplace and my kids (4 and 6 yo!!!), who have NEVER been in daycare, need time to grieve and have mommy around before I add the change of full-time employment to their lives. He has an obligation to support his children and that means supporting me to some extent for a period of time. Oh my God!!!!

He has already ruined what was supposed to be my special year with my oldest dd; was gonna have 3 mornings a week with her while her sister was in preschool (older dd is in pm kindy), but nooooo, I have spent hours with lawyers, counselors, etc. and my poor kids have been with more sitters than ever in their lives.

Ooops, there's my anger ;-)

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 10:04am
Hey M...........you just go right ahead and vent your anger. You gotta do it. Dont get like me and slap your stbx LOL guess I shouldnt laugh but he beat the crap out of me couple times oh 23 years ago. A few slaps will do him good.
I guess that is abusing him but he wants to stay here a couple more weeks and I am ok when he is gone but when he is here the pain and anger start in. He ran me down a couple times when we were spatting and I just cant take it.I think its cause of the belittlement over all those years and now the OW ........it like made it all mushroom together with the big whammy.
I hope he gets a big surprise if he marries her.
Of course your stbx needs to give you spousal support. Its funny they cause all this stuff then try to figure out creative financing to get out of things like he said about your investments!
I am only getting spousal support till the end of April. I am hoping to stop pouting and freaking out so I can get some things made to sell on ebay. I think I will do ok.
I can if I want draw SS in a little over 4 years. Would get less but what the hey.
I know honey how hard it is to now have to putyour kids in daycare. that is so hard. I did stay home with mine most all their lives but now they are 24 and 28 so I should have had my career going stronger. Well I did......bought a new car. I always has rattle traps when I left it up to him.
I dont know why these men with small children can even look at another woman. What is wrong with them? Their kids and wife should come first. ......How on earth does getting sex and ego strokes from another woman pay so much importance in their lives ? above the woman they married and their children? I mean even if he sees them alot look at how this is making their lives change.
My kids are 24 and 28 and they have had some extensive chats about what their dad has done. My son looked at me once and said Mom what is this? there is NOTHING wrong with you! My daughter disowned him for a time. She will probably never speak to the new step monster. They know I was a good wife and mother. I should have made more money and contributed more that way but he kept me in such a state of depression and my self esteem was always getting knocked down.
I would just make him sit down and tell him that no way he is getting out of spousal support. I have heard that you can sometimes get enough to continue the life style you have led ie even go get a degree. your job has to pay enough you can live and raise the kids in the same lifestyle. I am not sure but ask your attorney.
Anger is ok..........its normal. especially for a betrayed woman. Let it out...... shoot punch pillows, yell and scream at him when the kids arent around. Ihate it when my stbx says I must be nuts to show such anger and why am I so mean toward him and the one that really gets me is he says: Why Arent You Over It?
gggrrrrrr
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:04pm

Hugs to you for having put up with so much for so long!!

Sounds like your stbx is a manipulator like mine; makes my rationality seem irrational. I get out of his context and hear from other people and am reaffirmed that I do make sense and he is ...

Yes, I know it is ok to be angry, but I am wondering how others have gotten past it because although I am curteous and polite I don't think he deserves such treatment. It outrages me that someone who is inflicting such harm should be treated with "respect."

Enough ... I need to climb out of this ...

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2007
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:44pm
Well for me it took about 8 months before I got over the hurt and anger that I had for my ex we had been together for over 12 years and she want a some one new. At first it was all about me and what I wanted but as time passed it turned more so to my children and now that have found the most important thing in life isnt to be with my ex it is my children and always has been I just let the anger and hurt over come everything that was important in my life. I wish you the best of luck and god bless you and yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 2:51pm
There was alot of crazymaking. They make your reality wrong. You dont know if you are coming or going. My stbx use to be warm you know come up to me loving and when I responded he would back off. Oh I could think of all kinds of things. a whole book probably. Well tomorrow we go to sign the divorce papers. Then I think it just goes before the judge. my stbx is not spose to be going to court. I am always paranoid now. I dont trust anyone after this betrayal.
C
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:06pm
My husband walked out the day of our daughter's family birthday party which was 3 days before her 5th b-day. Just went to work and never came home........that was in August and I am still angry. It seems to be a slow simmer that kind of sucks the life out of you. I don't know if I am still angry about our relationship or angry that I am watching the kids hurt. I keep hearing that about a year after, everything all of a sudden feels better. I guess time will tell.............................
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 3:57pm
You know I hate to burst anyones bubble but reading all the members posts It just makes me wonder if I ever want to even live with a man again.
I dont think have the energy to take a chance on finding someone good. too hard to do and takes too long. All I need is a boyfriend, some romance and dinner then he can go home so I can work on my hobbies!
I have my soul to my stbx and for what? To be left for a woman he hardley knows.
That is sad that your X couldnt have give you some clues or warnings. I am so sorry. I am so sorry for all the pain on these boards.
You know I think as a society we place too much importance on a loving marriage. why make them important if they are so hard to aquire?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 4:46pm

Oh wow ... I am SO sorry. Yeah, I figure there will be a whole new round of rage as I try to comfort my two little kids. As I watch them crumble because of this. Shame on him.

That is my perspective. I know lots of folks on this board initiated the divorce, in part, because they felt their kids would be better off. I respect that, but that is not my story.

Hugs to you and I hope it truly does get better for you and your children!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 5:38pm

Hey M

When I got divorce in Nov 14th 2005 I really didn't get over it until 6 months and then I was past the anger when it hit one year why for I finally realize we werent meant to be and I am not a failure I tried to make my marriage work and he said the same thing " I no longer love you " but life gets better over time so hang in there and your not alone

HUGS

 

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