When did you get past the anger??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
When did you get past the anger??
29
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 6:17am

I am reading a book called "Live, Laugh, Love Again" about recovering from divorce. It is ok. They talk about the phases of grief etc. and the parallels to divorce.

Here's the thing: I am still in the really angry/hurt stage (with a little denial still hanging around and alot of anticipatory grief for the impact on my 4 yo and 6 yo).

When did you get past the anger?

My timeline: Oct. 15 I mentioned counseling; he mentioned divorce; Dec. 11 in counseling he said he wanted to call it quits. He's been saying he wants to move out Feb. 1, Feb 15 ... the child psych and I convinced to wait til after my 4 yo's 5th bday in mid-March, especially since we have just begun mediation and won't have financials worked out yet.

So, I am still really angry. But, I am supposed to treat him with courtesy and respect. He has been hiding things and lying (I still don't know if there is an ow, but I do know there is some dicey stuff going on)-- and I am supposed to face this with a smile and negotiate "in good faith" when he isn't being honest? Ieeeee!

When/how did you get over it?

Thanks!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 9:48am

M;

I'm sorry that you're facing this. You're right, there are many, many stages of emotions when a divorce is in play. The "timeline" for healing is as individual as each of us are. It's different for each of us. It's based on our experiences within our marriages, it's based on our ability to cope, our level of strength, our support system, etc.

Having to live together, knowing that it's over is one of the hardest things you can have to go through. Keeping up "face" for your children is tough, but knowing that in the end it will be the best thing for them, should be enough to keep you going, and finding the strength to get through this!!

Allowing yourself to feel, allowing yourself to grieve, giving yourself time, is tough too. But right now, that's all you can do. Accepting that this man will be part of your life, because of your children is hard too. I know, I've been there, and am still there! My divorce was final last week, and I'm still reeling from the stress of the whole thing! It takes time. That is the best gift you can give yourself right now.

Letting go, and I know it's hard, working on yourself for you and your children will be for the best. Ignoring the nonsense with him, telling yourself that you are almost to the light at the end of the tunnel, finding support, reading, going to counseling? All of these are positive points. You're well on your way!!

I hope that I've helped a bit. Just remember, that all of us on this board are here for you!!

Laurene

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2007
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:55pm
Hey, nymava. How ya' doin? Me?? Not so great. I've been reading the same book. I'm actually going to start it over, hopin that I'll be closer to "the message" than the first time I read it!
Anger!?! Yeah, I know how that feels. I drove around my neighborhood for over an hour because I didn't want to come in to my big, empty house and be alone tonight. My kids are at my Mom's 'cause I have to be at work at 6 am and my ex is nowhere to be found. ANGER?!? I KNOW I'm supposed to try to get over it, but, considering that I have to completely rethink my life, my childrens' lives and the fact that I have to sell our home and figure out where I can move to in an incredibly overpriced area, I'm having a hard time "getting over it". I know I'll never heal until I do. Sigh.!. But...I'm just not there yet. And I'll bet the women in the book (which I do think is a very good read, but needs to be read AT LEAST twice) took longer than it seemed in the time line presented.
I actually drove around tonight thinking "Would it be better if he died, or if I did?" YUCK!! That he could drive me to that point!!!!! There is no answer to that question, by the way. At least not if you are a Christian (but I can still have my fantasies!:)
Point is, your anger, I think, protects you from the very kind of thinking that almost led me to a very destructive path tonight. DON'T GO THERE! Be angry, but be justified. Keep your children AND YOUR SELF!!!! always at the forefront. And remember, you're not alone. Lost that thought tonight, and almost lost!
With love and great affection,
A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 12:21am
I wish I had the answer. Stbx is still living here. I just filed friday and we are waiting to tell the kids until I have an apartment. My level of anger depends on what stbx is doing. For a few days this week I was fine. I even felt good about everything. Then last night he went out until 4:30am. I was furrious. I wanted to throw things or kill him. I hate the fact he thinks he is free to do what he wants. There is no way I would go on a date until its all final. I hope I am over the anger soon. I hate the way it makes me feel.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 3:15am

Wow, I just thought about this question and how it applies to my situation early today.

STBX (cheated on my several times, left me and our son for his new German GF) and his GF are in town (he lives out of town temporarily and she is visiting him here for the next three months) and I happen to live 1/2 block from STBX best friend, where he went to watch the Super Bowl. I had to interact with him for a few minutes while dropped off our son. But all day, knowing he was around just made me so irritable that I seriously wondered why--like, how can I be this pissed off every time he is around? I KNOW I have no feelings for him, not even sentimental ones. And yet I want to beat him with a baseball bat everytime I have to spend five minutes speaking to him either in person or on the phone. And I think what it boiled down to is how he is totally and completely snowing his girlfriend. Everyone we know knows that not only did he cheat on me with her, but he also cheated with me behind his new GFs back, and he cheated behind her back with another young gal for months the whole time his GF was in Germany. She is the only one who doesn't know and oddly enough I feel sort of sorry for her. Knowing he hasn't and never will change and knowing this poor woman is so sprung on him and that someday she is going to be in my shoes (they are getting married as soon as we are divorced)....THAT is what makes me angry.

I've gotten past the anger over what could have been and should have been--it's been six months since I kicked him out. But it is hard getting past the anger I have that relates to how very well I know him (together 23 years, married 16) and how I watch him just lie to everyone around him and cheat as easy as it is for him to breath and yet he still has friends. People in his family still come to his aid. These types of things continue to make me angry.

Robin, Jesse's mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:00am

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I know that other line of thinking. Been there, too. The place I get saddest, it seems, is at church. A friend commented on my looking sad yesterday and, having held it together all that time, I just lost it *again*. Then had another friend preach at me about how my kids were going to be fine, etc. Made me furious; I had to walk away.

I will pray for all of us, but especially for all the little children hurt by this tragedy. For some children divorce is the good news, when the marriage was horrible for them, but for my children and many others, divorce is the beginning of a lifetime of hurt and loss -- as one person said, divorce isn't a one-time event; it impacts them over and over again (a funeral that never ends). Ok, enough negative thinking. I will do my best to build a happy healthy life for my children and myself. And you too!

God bless!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:13am

Oh, wow, I am so sorry. Having to be around him must make it really really hard. Betrayal after/during so many years together. Oh, I just can't imagine ... my heart aches for you!

I hope he disapears some how; moves, something, for your sake.

I know my stbx is mentally ill (bi-polar??) and I know he has been lying and continues to do so even when I plead with him to come clean so I can go into mediation knowing he is being straight with me and can believe the children will be ok in his care, but he continues to hide things and lie. He may have cheated on me; wouldn't be surprised.

My anger mostly comes from the fact he is putting his sick self ahead of his children's happiness. They are so good, and flourishing and learning and growing and happy. We parent well together ... and he is going to destroy that! Just doesn't give a damn.

The child psychologist we are working with picked up on it ... she said to him "They are going to be traumatized; you have to take that in."

And then there is the anger over how this will change my/their lives ... I am in school so I can go back to work and the course work is huge on top of all the divorce stuff I have to do and the kids now are with more babysitters than they have ever had in their entire lives because I have to meet with lawyer, mediator, child-psych, my own counselor and go to school!!!! I will probably have to sell the house and they will have to leave friends etc... All to feed his selfish need to live as he likes.

Ok, so I am not past the anger ... or the sadness ... but I soldier on, for my kids' sake!

God bless you as you try, too, to overcome!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:31am

You sound alot like I did when I first left XH. Yes, I left. He refused to help make the marriage better. He told me to go to my therapy, fall back in love with him, and let him know when it happened. WTF?

So after I left 5 years ago, I would say "I'm NEVER getting remarried." Then about 2 years ago, I said "If I ever remarry....." and my friend almost fell off her chair! Now I KNOW I'll remarry. I've regained faith in men. Well, not MEN in general, but one man in particular. I didn't go out looking for him, he was my best friend before the divorce and continued being my best friend without any pressure.

I WANT to live with this man. I WANT to have that kind of connection with him. I chose poorly the first time, and not only that, but I know know what I want in a relationship and the divorce has taught me that I need to be more proactive.

It does get better. It's not that time heals all wounds, it's that with time, things past move farther into the past and into dim memories.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 10:08am

Hello to you. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I think some anger may linger forever, or for a very long time - or at least that is how it works for me. I really have to channel my thoughts, and then when I use my reason I can let it all go, and the emotional buiding come crumbling down. If I just build up on emotions, and talk about it, the whole anger beast is still there looking down at me, teasing me...

Remind yourself how strong you are. You are! and how good at what you do. Remind yourself that your marriage existed and was good - it made you and the kids happy while it lasted, and even if it does not work anymore, the past remains good. Value your memories, and don't let them hurt you.

Your ex will have to support you while you go back at work. Don't worry about that - it is going to be good for the kids to gain little by little more indipendency. In a couple of years, the younger will be in school, and the older will be a 8 yrs old... too young still to be alone of course, but a little smart kids with lots of potential. It is amazing how fast they grow, and soon they only need to know we mommies are available, and for the rest in fact we become - ahem - disposable. It is good that you have to build yourself a life outside... build it thinking of the future, and considering not only the money side, but also what you would like to do and learn.

Maybe you could ask support for a couple of years, while you go back to school: sometimes that works if one has clear plans...

Good luck, and don't let anger suffocate you. You can fight that big monster, by remembering the good times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 11:21am

I don’t have the answer to your question because as ‘loveless’ as our marriage was I will always hurt for our DD. One thing I can say based on my experience is that I’m sorry for my parents staying together for the kids. Divorce is hard but I’ve had to live with the daily pain of knowing that my father never loved my mother as she deserved and it hurts me EVERY DAY. Did this affect my relationships with men? Yes, somehow I was drawn to men just like my father (sad). What I really want is for my child to see me in a healthy happy relationship or none at all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 11:51am

..... I want that, too :-)


Maybe.... someday.....

Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~