When did you start feeling OK?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
When did you start feeling OK?
7
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 8:38am

Around here, we often ask, "when does the pain stop?" Can any of you remember

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 4:47pm

Basically for one reason or another the past 4 years have been hellish for me. Ex moved out in March or so...and it took until August to get our separation agreement signed. By purest of coincidence, I also got a new and exciting job the very same week. There have been a few great moments in the past month where I have been able to stop and assess just how much less stressed out I am.

Going to work and telling the kids my name is Ms Waring. Not feeling like all I can chat about over lunch is my rotten husband. Meeting other adults. Getting a paycheck!!!! If the job hadn't worked out I would probably be pretty down in the dumps right now.

But mostly I'm so happy to be more relaxed at home and with my kids. Last week, dd6 and dd9 were helping me with a papier mache project I needed for a display in my library, it was a bust of a woman. We were relaxed and working well together---I said something about how well her boobs were turning out. DD6 laughed and said "Mommy, you are just like a teenager!"

Well, what do you know, I FEEL like a teenager!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 7:13pm

I'm a newbie here and my STBX hasn't moved out yet (20 more days!) but I will say that the lead up to the "separation" was much worse than the time since he announced he wanted to be divorced. The feeling was mutual, but it was still scary. I stopped crying almost immediatley after that -- within days. And I had been crying A LOT. I am still scared about finances and it gets me down at times, but as soon as I knew he wouldn't fight me for custody, I knew I would be okay.

Kate

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 11:13am
The divorce was final, and I'd managed to pay the bills and have some extra money left over the first couple of months.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 12:38pm

I can't recall a specific point, but it seemed to have been happening gradually this past summer. I've been divorced 2 1/2 years now, but my situation was complicated, and still is. I don't think the bad times are completely behind me, but things have calmed down a lot.

I had to quit my job because my son was having so many problems this summer. I am not sure how things will turn out, but somehow I feel that things will be OK.

For a long time, I used to think I shouldn't have divorced my ex - maybe I should've given him more chances...because I didn't divorce him because I'd stopped loving him, I left because of his porn problem.

However, when we sat down with a psychologist recently to discuss our son's problems, I found out my ex hasn't done much work on himself. He quit using porn 'cold turkey'. After hearing him calmly admit he looked at child porn during the marriage and knowing he's done so little work on himself, I felt so strongly that I'd done the right thing in leaving him. Even if the ex doesn't relapse, I feel that I and my son are better off on our own than if we'd stayed under the same roof! Somehow, we'll be OK.




Edited 10/2/2006 3:20 pm ET by abbynwb
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 2:09pm

After a year of seperation from stbx and the final hearing set I am taking a sigh of relief and am starting to feel okay.

This past year I have been taking care my children, bought a house of my own and paying the bills on time. Somewhere between therapy and CoDA I started noticing that because I am healing and changing into a better mom and woman the kids have become themselves for the first time in their lives. it can only get better.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 8:56pm

Good question! My divorce will be 10 years out next August. I remember knowing I'd be OK about 3 years after the divorce. I was finally working a good job, had remarried, and I realized I it had been like a month since I'd given my 1st marriage or my Ex a thought. Before then, I was always turning everything over in my head and wondering "what if?" My Ex always sends my mother a birthday card and this past week he announced he was remarrying in January. The irony is its a lady with three children, a house, a job, and all the things he said he didn't want with me. I'll admit I had one punch in a pillow at the irony of it all. But then, I'm very happily married again and I hadn't given him any thought until my Mother showed me his letter. It's good to be nearly a decade away from all the pain.

Wisdomtooth

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 1:24am
Day after Thanksgiving 2005. My X was still dragging out our divorce (his stated goal was to use up in legal fees all the money I was awarded by keeping this going til our daughter turns 18- she's now 2 1/2). He flew into one of his rages when I came to pick up our daughter because he thought we'd agreed to 10 pm and I thought it was 10 am. I simply remained calm, tried to compromise, to no avail. He stormed into the house while yelling I couldn't have her back til he felt like it, maybe Mon. For once I felt nothing. No anger, no sadness, no sorrow. Just acceptance that he is who he is and I did the right thing by getting the He!! out of there. I knew he'd have to give her back Sun morn because he was going to have to go to work and I was confident both of my kids who were with him would be safe because his parents were staying with him. I knew then I was back to being me: the stable, strong, competent, cheerful me that my kids missed. I was free of him and I was better off that way.