When Do You Just Do It?
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| Fri, 07-15-2005 - 2:10pm |
Although I have posted on the Betrayed Spouse board many times in the past, I am new to this board. After a two year separation from my STBX, I have reached the decision that I want a divorce from him. I've been through so much pain and disappointment over the past few years and had contemplated divorce on a regular basis, but usually because I was angry or hurt and wanted to get back at my STBX. Now, to my amazement, I want a divorce because I realize that I am a different person than I was when I was pleading with him to work things out. I have changed so much during our separation that I no longer want to be in a relationship with him. I'm finally enjoying life again and realizing that I can take care of myself and my two young children without my STBX. I'm accepting that the marriage is over, but understanding that a new phase of my life is beginning as well.
The problem that I am having is that I have prepared all of the papers and set aside the filing fee, but I have been procrastinating over the past week about taking them to the court. A friend of mine told me that I'm not running off to court because this is not a pleasant task. She compared it to paying a bill or going to the doctor - they are things that you know you have to do, but because there is no joy in them, you try to put them off for as long as possible. I made the mistake of notifying my STBX that I was filing because I didn't want to catch him off guard. Despite all of the problems in the past, I have really moved on with my life and in many ways have put the pain behind me. I don't want to crush him in court or even fight over visitation for the kids. Since he has really never pursued reconciliation, I was hoping he would agree to the divorce and that we could work out the terms in the near future. Instead of agreeing, he asked me why I was filing so soon and accused me of divorcing him to marry someone else (I don't know if I will ever marry again!). He then threatened to seek full custody if I filed. I'm not afraid that custody would be granted to him since he is always on the verge of eviction and I usually have to plead with the kids to go to his house. But I am afraid that he will give me a hard time on issues like child support and visitation. He was also verbally and emotionally abusive to me during our marriage, and part of me is afraid to deal with that behavior again. Since I can't afford an attorney, I'm going to have to face him myself. I just need the strength to walk into that court and hand over the papers regardless of what he may say or do. I didn't think that this would be so difficult.
When do you just have that "lightbulb" moment? Have any of you dealt with the fear of having to confront your STBX in order to move on with your life? I'm really confused.

No wonder you don't want to go in. You have real fears, you know this man and what he can do. You hesitate to tickle the sleeping dragon. But you have already told him you are filing, the dragon's not going to go back to sleep. The cat is out of the bag.
There's a good chance he realizes that getting the courts involved means he may be expected to do more to support his children. And abusive, controlling people hate any indications that they are not the god of your universe. They also hate that the people in the courthouse will get to see him "shamed." But you don't have to worry about his feelings anymore. Just live your life the way that you wish to live it. Walking on eggshells (or tiptoeing around the dragon) doesn't work. It might slow the process down, but doesn't stop it or cure it.
Hi indigo, welcome to the board.
I agree with rose on this one.
Hugs to you and good luck! We are here if you need us.
Hi Melanie,
I am most likely the same Indigo that you remember from the Betrayed Spouse board. I started posting there in 2002, and stopped late last year when I stopped feeling like a betrayed spouse and started feeling like a separate person again. Sorry to find you here, but I'm happy to hear that you took control of your situation and that you have found joy after reaching your decision to move on to a better life. I spoke to my STBX on Friday, and we are meeting this week to discuss the terms of the divorce in my hope to move it through the court more quickly. I am not going to waver on child support, but I am willing to negotiate visitation and decision-making for the kids. I'm just really starting to see that being with him was not so great, and that I wouldn't go back to being his doormat for anything. Thanks for the support.
Thanks, Rose and Angelena. I know that my STBX is afraid to have the courts "tell" him what to do, and to have the public find out how he has treated me. You're right, I have let the cat out of the bag, and although I haven't backed down from filing, I do have my fears of confronting my ex on the real issues. In the past, whenever he felt like avoiding discussions regarding our marriage or support, he just clammed up and refused to acknowledge anything. The court will be a forum where he has to address these problems, and if necessary the decision will be made for him in the kids best interest. That at least makes me feel better.
Although this step is necessary, it's also a bit scary so it's good to know that there are other people out there who understand. Thanks again for the support.
Hi again indigo,
I've actually never posted at the Betrayed Spouses board.