when do you know it's time to seperate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
when do you know it's time to seperate?
12
Thu, 02-03-2005 - 12:31pm
Hello All:
First time joining board. I have been reading discussions similiar to my own situation. I felt it was time to talk about my situation. Together for 11 years, married for eight years with two kids, 3&8. I have felt I need to seperate frmo my husband for 15 months now. He is not abusivie or any of those things. He is a great father & a great guy. The marraige has felt completely dead to me for at least 5 years. We grew apart. My husband works 60 hours a week, has no desire to socialize with others, and in general, "drones" into the TV alot. He has admitted to depression and that he feels very insecure to change jobs or make any type of change. He misses out on alot that goes on with kids activities, etc. We have had my discussions over the years about my general unhappiness in the marraige. After so many years of trying to talk to him abut it, I have given up. I feel like he has been emotionally void from the relationship for years. He does not want to seperate, needless to say. Infact, he has become so clingy, it is driving me instane and making me feel more guilty about my feelings. Over the years I have developed little crushes on other men, and no, I would not even entertain cheating ever! But I know this just shows how lonely I feel in the relationship. I feel happy and confident in every other part of my life. I have not tried marraige conseling, nor do I want to, to be honest. I would just like us to seperate for abit and get some space to figure out what to do. I can't force my self to feel in love, but I have twp kids to thing about. What should I do? By the way, this board is awesome, hearing your stories, has already helped my immensely!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 9:32am
Thanks to all of you for youre imput on this. It is helping me tremedously! Sometimes you have trouble seeing straite when youre in the middle of emotional turmoil. I have decided to do the marraige couceling. Although I still feel like "Why am I paying somebody to tell me what I already know that I feel". I am doing the couceling for my husband(he really wants to work it out) and my kids. What's funny, is he suddenly will "plug in" whenever I start talking seperation again. It's making it harder becuase he doesn't want to seperate. But you guys are right, I can't keep sacrificing my own happiness for the kids and husband. So we'll see how the couceling goes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Mon, 02-07-2005 - 1:20pm

I am in a very similar situation as you I had those crushes years ago and begged my husband to go to counseling. I see my own therapist which is a godsend. I believe that marriage counseling will not work for me and my husband because I have had such growth over the last 10 years and he has not. I still consider it from time to time. I did act on one of those crushes and have a loving man who wants to marry me. Even though I do not want to marry him it makes me realize ALL that I am missing in my marriage. We have not had physical intimacy in almost two years. My marriage is dead and I want to be single again. What I am afraid of most is his depression and how he will handle it.

Good luck and remember everyone will give you advice but only you know what is best for you!

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