When does he move on?
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| Fri, 06-01-2007 - 7:21pm |
My ex-husband and I have been done and over with for going on 2 1/2 yrs now. In the course of that time I have moved on and started seeing someone. Now I know that my ex does not like this person, but try's his best to stay out of our relationship. However, since we have been apart, even as recently as last week he will say things and do things to let me know that he is not over the past. And it's not all the good things that he still brings up. We can go for months and have good conversations, then one day out of the blue I will get a nasty phone call or email telling me what a horrible person I am, what a horrible mother I am...etc...He has even gone so far as to start verbally attacking my family. I have told him time and time again that I will not let him talk to me and my family like that, and every time he does it. I have told him that he needs to let go and put the past in the past and leave it there. And every time I get the same answer, "I know I need to let go." I have to deal with him on a daily basis b/c of our son, but I don't know how to deal with him when he gets like that. I don't know what I can say to him in order to help him get over everything. We tried getting help to keep us together and I found out later that the only reason he was going to counseling was so that he could try to use anything I said against me in court. Yet he is the one that can't seem to let this go! Every time he brings things up from the past he try's to play the victim, like it's all my fault. He even goes so far as to play the victim, and plays out his sober story for anyone that is willing to listen.
He has tried dating again but everytime it doesn't work out the way that he would like I get blamed. How do I make him understand that I just want to move on with my life and not rehash all of the old drama? Any advice that you can offer would be great!

I am in the same boat, my abusive stbx sends me greeting cards every important holiday, including our anniversary and we've been seperated for 9 years!
He even told my daughter that he wouldn't sign the divorce papers! Jerk!
The sad reality is that the answer to your question "When will he move on" may be: never. My STBX is similar in many ways. I have come to the realization that his denial over the reality of the situation and the impact of his actions is so deep that he will never "get it". All I can do is make sure that his inability to let go of the past doesn't affect me or the kids.
I don't have any advice, but the one flag I did see in your post was that you seem to give audience to your Ex's emotional outbursts. If this is the case, perhaps you may want to examine whether or not your tolerance is perpetuating the behaviour pattern. I don't allow for any personal questioning or emotional downloading from the STBX. I hear it because we're still in collaborative law together, but outside of the lawyer's office, I make sure it's all business and nothing personal at all. That's not to say that I'm not nice, or that I don't do him the occasional favour, but if he makes inappropriate comments I very blandly point out that they are inappropriate and I don't care to discuss it.
It appears that your Ex has a hold on you due to his own emotional immaturity. Don't let him do that to you. his problems are not your problems anymore.