when does it finally sink in?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
when does it finally sink in?
5
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 9:38pm
Tonight my husabnd and I finally decided to start preparing for a divorce. Our marriage of 22 yrs has been difficult for several years now and it is to the point where he thinks his only options are to kill himself or get a divorce. Naturally I'm going along with the divorce for my DDs sakes. So I called the bank today and got some info on buying out his half of the house and got some names of some lawyers but it doesn't seem real. This afternoon after supper we sat down and played cards like we had 100 times before. Every once in a while it kind of hits me and my stomache heaves and I think - I'm getting a divorce. I'm going to be alone. I'm 44 yrs old and have invested 1/2 of my life into this marriage and now it's over. He can't move out until I buy out his half of the house due to financial issues so it's kind of business as usual except for the fact that WE'VE DECIDED TO END OUR MARRIAGE!! I just can't believe it. I would welcome any suggestions from those who have been through a divorce that they didn't really want.
Thanks so much!
Grace
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 1:02am

Hi Grace... the feelings during the transition of it all... while you're working out the details... and adjusting to the changes are sometimes.... unbearable.... but so worth it in the end.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 1:39pm

Hi Grace...

After 2 divorces...along with a 4-year interlude with "the girlfriend from Hell" (which involved dissolving co-ownership of a home)...Pianoguy knows EXACTLY how you're feeling right now!

Based on my 3 "splits"---I can only tell you that my feelings for all 3-EX's differed at times from sadness and anger...to relief, optomism and pessimism! Although I haven't been lucky enough to rediscover the long-term "peace and comfort that a good woman is capable of providing"---I think my '5-years of singleness' has made me more aware of a lot of things about myself.

I've learned the types of feminine behavior I'm capable of accepting, compromising with, and that I CAN'T HANDLE! I've discovered issues "I won't back down" on...as well as a few that need to come to the surface.

Divorces and (the subsequent) loneliness have made me more aware of the problems that ACTUALLY EXISTED...but that I (or my spouse) CHOSE TO IGNORE?

It takes a lot of guts to admit WHEN YOU'VE SCREWED UP---instead of blaming the problems on YOUR PARTNER?

Perhaps if each of us has enough fortitude to recognize our personal flaws---BEFORE they come to the surface in a NEW relationship---we MIGHT have a better chance of keeping that relationship solid and (hopefully) happy?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 2:45pm

hi Grace-

I am one who didn't want a divorce, but didn't have the choice to stay in the marriage because my xh filed. I have been divorced for a couple of months and seperated for several more on top of that. I still wake up every single morning not believing where I am. I am 42 yrs old and have two daughters. My x may think that he's better in his situation now, but for me it's like I am walking in a dream. It's business as usual for my x and I as well. He drives truck and is gone just as he was before we divorced, but when he gets back we see each other all the time. It's very confusing to me why I am okay to hang out with but not okay to be married to. Half a life time is a long time to spend with someone and than have to worry about making changes. I think if we are up to it or when we do get up to it that change can be really great. It just takes the time to get there. It's scary, isn't it?

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 3:43pm
Yes, Robin it is so scary. I never imagined my life would turn out like this. I also have 2 daughters who are telling me that they are "fine" with this divorce since they think that everyone was happier when we separated for 5 months 3 yrs ago. Of course, there was a lot I didn't tell them. I have this miriad of feelings each day - relief, anger, fear but mostly ...unbelief. My husband, in addition to believing that the reason he is so unhappy is due to our marriage (rather than his depression), he also believes that we should hang out together after we get divorced - go to the movies, get together for dinner, etc. I feel the same way you do... I'm fine to hang out with but not to be married to???!!! So what happens when he finds a new love? Once again I'm tossed by the wayside? I can't imagine many love interests being OK with their new boyfriend "hanging out" with his ex wife! So do I let myself be used in the hope of avoiding lonliness or do I break all ties and worry about HIM being lonely (and perhaps suicidal).
I'm scared, sick, hurt and relieved all in one!
This just shouldn't be happening!
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 5:28pm

OH MY GOSH, GRACE!! THOSE ARE THE EXACT FEELINGS AND FRUSTRATIONS THAT I AM HAVING TOO! ARE OUR HUSBANDS FROM THE SAME MAN PLANET? I don't know what to do with this friendly relationship, either. I have thought at times that if we could just continue down this path maybe things would heal themselves and we could be a family again. Than on the flip side I'm thinking, family again, is this possible? I think my xh has depression and a mid-life crisis in one. There are days were he won't contact me and than out of the blue here we are hanging out again. GOOD GRIEF!!! I am thinking to myself that this is ok, at least I'm not completely alone all the time. But I am realizing, very slowly, that my heart is incredibly lonely for someone that really, truly cares for me. You too? I am afraid that my xh will find someone too and that I will be dumped for her. I spend time hoping that maybe someone will drop into my life first, but than I have anxiety over leaving my xh for someone else. I am so screwed up!! Crap, maybe I'd better go back to therapy! LOL!!! I thought I had married my soul mate. I'll just bet you did too. Do you still love him? I truly do love my x I just dislike what he's done to our family. I don't think he likes the choices he's made either, but just doesn't know how to or is to scared to come home.

robin